When Fantasy Ruins Reality...

Fantasy is supposed to be the stuff of fairy tales.  At least that is the way it was back when I was a kid.  I can remember my mother telling me how my grandmother (her mother) was treated like "Cinderella" by the in-laws when she was stuck living with them back in Croatia for the first 13 years of her marriage to my grandfather.  My grandfather, mind you, was not there with her;  he was globe-trotting as part of his attempt at full-time employment.  Until I read about Cinderella on my own, I had no idea who my mother was talking about.  Needless to say, the story of Cinderella had a huge impact on my life as a kid because I actually knew of someone from my very own family who lived a life like hers.

Then Snow White came along.  I did see "Mirror Mirror" by the way at the show earlier this year.  I also was obsessed with her story going as far back as third grade.  At that time, I asked our teacher if our class could produce the play at our school.  I don't know how we managed, but the next thing I knew I was up on stage playing the Wicked Queen wearing one of my mother's long black dresses.  Even then I knew that being wicked had its perks;  who wanted to be Snow White anyway when you were the tallest, heaviest, and loudest kid in class to begin with?

The older I got, the more I realized how often and how much I "liked" incorporating fantasy (and fantasy thinking especially!) into my day-to-day life.  When everyone else had a boyfriend in middle school, so did I!  Not in "real life" mind you...but I could create a boyfriend in my head without any "real life" restrictions whatsoever!  I can't remember now who I told my friends "was" my boyfriend outside of our school---but whomever he was, he looked just like Davey Jones (from The Monkees don't you know)?

I can even recall in junior high telling kids from my church how my "boyfriend" from school played football and adored me unconditionally.  I had a photo of one of our school's football players as "proof".  I got it from a friend's boyfriend who took the photo.  Of course, I wrote "Dear Mary" blah blah blah on the back of that photo to prove my points even further.  "You are the best girlfriend I could ever hope for.."  HAHA!  Too bad I didn't even know the guy because I sure sounded like good girlfriend material to me!

Fortunately for me, my "fantasy life" took a major detour when I entered sophomore year and emerged somewhat of a butterfly after losing 30 lbs. and no longer being self-conscious about the braces on my teeth.  I was asked out and went out;  I joined the glee club.  I became class president.   I got a life, to put it bluntly. 

But what about those others who don't take seriously their own opportunities to "get a life" and live each day in the real world?  Madame Bovary was one such character from fiction.  She started out heavy on the fantasy in order to cope with an impoverished and lonely home life without a mother;  she ended up dead by her own hand after a string of broken hearts and promises.  Madame Bovary took "avoiding personal responsibility" to new heights by dreaming her big dreams (often and always!)...while ignoring the actual "work" it would take to transform her "dreams" into reality.

This is the big problem when it comes to one's own fantasy-driven beliefs...and associated behaviors.  You may "want" to believe yourself as being special...but believe me honey, we are ALL special cases.  Not just you.  You may "want" to believe you are deserving of that great job making great money and living in a 3,000 sq. ft. condo on the ocean....but that ain't happenin' anytime soon if your "real job" is at the local Speedway.   You may "want" the partner to beat all past partners who will love, cherish, and adore you to the ends of the earth.  But if you're nothing more than "cute" or "hot" (or whatever you call yourself these days)...remind me how that fact alone counts for everything?

In the end, fantasies can ruin a person's reality beyond anyone's worst nightmare.  Fantasies do NOT replace planning your work...and then working your plan.  Day by day.  Month by month.   Year by year.  If you want "good" to come into your life...you MUST be "real" about how that is going to happen given your own strengths, gifts, talents, and resources.  While you are at it, you must also look realistically at your limitations so you don't talk yourself into another "Oh I'll deal with that tomorrow" kind of excuse...

Nobody wants to wake up one day at 55 or 60 years old and suddenly realize, "What the )$_@# have I done with my life?!"  Not anyone.  And in this case, who you gonna blame for that if it happens?  Your fantasies?  You ARE the only one who can step out of your fantasy-driven universe into real life with the rest of us.  All it takes is making that first step in the right direction.





 

Finding What Works....

One of the things I emphasize in therapy is the need to discover "what works" in calming, soothing, and relaxing you which does NOT also involve a destructive or self-destructive substance and/or process.  This also applies to whatever works in energizing, motivating, and stimulating you.  I know it may sound strange to put it this way, but not everyone gets it about how to change their mood, anxiety level, or feelings without involving something that is "bad"for them or someone else.  For example, the act of arguing with another person actually does end up releasing endorphins when the fight is "over" because of how much energy (albiet negative!) was expended during the fighting process.  It's like getting a good workout, but in a very bad and wrong kind of way.  You are exhausted, you are tired, and yet---you are relaxed and much calmer once the drama is finally over.  This "link" is often ignored by those who don't initially understand me when I ask if they may be addicted to "drama, crisis, and chaos".

Fighting with someone else also has the potential to energize, motivate, and stimulate a person as well...once it begins that is.  This is why disagreements can so easily escalate for so many people into knock down drag outs.  Nobody is aware of or understanding the "pay off" that keeps them locked into the fight mode.  You can feel "up" if you will (energized, etc.) and then "down" (calm and relaxed) all within whatever time frame the argument/fight covers.  Which is, once again, why so many people become and stay "addicted" to fighting and arguing without understanding why.  Now you know why.  At least I hope you do.

Now imagine, if you will, the person who may struggle with a significant mental health issue.  This, as one example, may be the person who suddenly finds themself feeling extremely irritated, angry, and "ready to blow" without anything "bad" happening to trigger it!  How do you "change" that mood state when it may be what you feel before breakfast is even on the table!?  Drink a red bull and chase it with a cup of coffee in hopes you'll feel calmer fast?  Sounds crazy?  Not really when you think about it.  Caffeine does have a calming effect on those individuals who struggle with racing thoughts, inability to concentrate, lack of focus, etc.  Did you know that "in the old days" of identifying whether or not a child had ADHD (attention-deficity hyperactivity disorder), parents were often told to give the child a cup of black coffee in the morning?  If the child was able to focus and concentrate "better" as a result, ADHD could not be ruled out.  I remember a client many years ago who would drink a full litre of Pepsi once he got to work and by lunchtime...and then another between noon and three p.m.  In his case, he did have a major mood disorder as well as ADHD...but he certainly didn't link his caffeine addiction to his daily attempts at calming, relaxing, and soothing himself during a hard day at the office.

Finding what works to make you feel better "now" usually ends up involving unhealthy things when you aren't paying attention to yourself to the extent you should.  Alcohol is NOT the only way to calm, relax, and soothe yourself before trying to fall asleep at night.  What about picking up the most boring book in your house and reading it in bed?  Or making sure the temperature in your bedroom is not too hot or not too cold (for you) first?  There are all sorts of things you can do to help yourself accomplish your goals when it comes to changing your mood states...but when you do and then keep repeating the wrong thing---it's not a good thing.  Ever.

For me personally, discovering "blogging" online has definitely assisted me in both energizing, motivating, and stimulating myself on demand....yet it also has the power to calm, soothe, and relax me as well.  Which reminds me...it's time for bed.  Good nite!