"Melissa" (not her real name) is someone who struggles with terminal self involvement. She doesn't know she's this way; she has denied it when confronted about it in the past. Yet this is one of her "Big L" life problems. Her second "Big L" life problem is that she's paranoid. The way her paranoia comes through is that she's basically afraid of everything. Yes, that's what I said. She's afraid of everything. Melissa can't go anywhere or experience anything without coming up with some reason to be scared to death about "it" (whatever "it" is!). Now I know I could have described Melissa as being merely "anxious" here, but I'm not. Anxiety is also about feeling afraid much of the time; being paranoid, however, kicks the intensity of that fear up about 10 notches on the mental Richter Scale.
Melissa's self involvement and her paranoia feed each other in the same way that feeding cows to other cows fuels Mad Cow disease. Melissa pays SO much attention each and every day as to how everything "scares" her...that she has not given herself any room (or permission!) to just be still, let alone relax, let alone enjoy her life's experiences, let alone adopt an attitude of gratitude. Melissa and others of her "type" just can't do this on their own. Personality wise, Melissa cruises between two distinct groups of personality disorders: one the one hand she is very dramatic and erratic (the "Cluster B'ers" as I refer to them)...yet on the other hand she is also very anxious and afraid (the "Cluster C'ers"). If I had to choose between the two sets of personality disorders, I would say that Melissa is a Narcissistic Borderline and a Paranoid Personality Disordered individual in need of a tremendous amount of professional help and support. I should add that Melissa may also struggle with a major mood disorder such as those which keep you down...or suddenly take you somewhere else you don't want to go without a moment's notice. Briefly, personality disorders are fueled by life's EVENTS....mood disorders, on the other hand, don't need any fuel for a major mood shift to occur. You can "wake up" and feel like you want to die without having ever set one foot out of the bed when you are mood disordered. With a personality disorder, you don't want to die until ABC and/or D happened "first" to trigger you once you woke up.
Let me give you some examples of how life events trigger personality disordered behavior. If you were to see Melissa in a restaurant and she thought she smelled smoke, "There's a fire we have to get out of here now!" If you were with Melissa when she felt uncomfortable in the same areas of her body more than twice, "OMG I think I have cancer!" Does this mean that Melissa is also psychotic? Well, it is true that when a person believes their own "version" of reality more than the actual facts, psychosis is a very real concern. However, with someone like Melissa, she has not shown signs of "staying stuck" in her psychotic thinking about any given paranoid delusion once it has been somehow "resolved". In the context of the restaurant example, as soon as she would be walked through the restaurant to "prove" there was no fire going on, she shuts up. Once her bodily symptoms end and/or she is told by her doctor that she does not have cancer, she shuts up. Until the next "event". That's how personality disorders work. You're fine until "the next event". Then you lose it. However you are going to lose it, that's when you do. Because you are triggered by "the next event" that you perceive as stressful in any way, shape, or form....
In her chosen profession, Melissa views herself as quite the "expert". So much so in fact that she's not very good at the business of (a) listening to others at work, (b) accepting constructive criticism, and (c) learning from her own mistakes and/or anything "new" for that matter. As such, Melissa's work history is filled with stories about bosses from hell, co-workers from hell, anyone-she's-come-in-contact-with-at-work from hell. Are you catching my drift here? The common denominator between Melissa and all her "hellish" experiences on the job over her 20+ year career is, of course, Melissa. This is Melissa's terminal self involvement at work combined with her paranoia. And, oh by the way, if you don't "support" Melissa when she tells you these things or don't "do" what Melissa thinks you should say or do as her "friend" or "spouse" or "family member" when she's upset about her job or her career path or her attempts at finding the "perfect" job blah blah blah (which is 99.999% of the time!)...then you are the devil as well! This is where the Borderline aspect of her personality disorder comes in to play. And oh, God forbid that you have anything going on in your own life that may take the attention away from Melissa's drama of the moment. That's not happening. Even if she called today when you just found out you had a week to live, Melissa's initial response would be something like this: "Oh, I'm sorry....you know, I feel like I have a week to live too after what happened to me today!" That's narcissism for you with a capital "N"...always busy putting the focus back on who matters most all of the time and anytime at all---and that would not be anyone else but "Me! Me! Me!"
In the field of psychotherapy, Melissa's "type" of client is very challenging. Sadder still, her type of client is becoming more and more common in today's "It's All About Me!" culture as well. Which says "what" about the society in which we all live and function? Not much, I can tell you that.
Terminal self involvement doesn't occur because babies are "born" to mothers named Rosemary and fathers named Lucifer. (Although I've had a few of those in my practice nonetheless!) Instead, all this "garbage" is more taught than inherited. And that's one of the saddest facts of life of all. The only thing that should be "terminal" in life is what we absolutely can't control (death and taxes). All else? Well, I believe most everything is resolvable when you commit to the process and can admit how you, yourself, fed the beast of your own dysfunction....with those other cows.
Until we meet again....
Melissa's self involvement and her paranoia feed each other in the same way that feeding cows to other cows fuels Mad Cow disease. Melissa pays SO much attention each and every day as to how everything "scares" her...that she has not given herself any room (or permission!) to just be still, let alone relax, let alone enjoy her life's experiences, let alone adopt an attitude of gratitude. Melissa and others of her "type" just can't do this on their own. Personality wise, Melissa cruises between two distinct groups of personality disorders: one the one hand she is very dramatic and erratic (the "Cluster B'ers" as I refer to them)...yet on the other hand she is also very anxious and afraid (the "Cluster C'ers"). If I had to choose between the two sets of personality disorders, I would say that Melissa is a Narcissistic Borderline and a Paranoid Personality Disordered individual in need of a tremendous amount of professional help and support. I should add that Melissa may also struggle with a major mood disorder such as those which keep you down...or suddenly take you somewhere else you don't want to go without a moment's notice. Briefly, personality disorders are fueled by life's EVENTS....mood disorders, on the other hand, don't need any fuel for a major mood shift to occur. You can "wake up" and feel like you want to die without having ever set one foot out of the bed when you are mood disordered. With a personality disorder, you don't want to die until ABC and/or D happened "first" to trigger you once you woke up.
Let me give you some examples of how life events trigger personality disordered behavior. If you were to see Melissa in a restaurant and she thought she smelled smoke, "There's a fire we have to get out of here now!" If you were with Melissa when she felt uncomfortable in the same areas of her body more than twice, "OMG I think I have cancer!" Does this mean that Melissa is also psychotic? Well, it is true that when a person believes their own "version" of reality more than the actual facts, psychosis is a very real concern. However, with someone like Melissa, she has not shown signs of "staying stuck" in her psychotic thinking about any given paranoid delusion once it has been somehow "resolved". In the context of the restaurant example, as soon as she would be walked through the restaurant to "prove" there was no fire going on, she shuts up. Once her bodily symptoms end and/or she is told by her doctor that she does not have cancer, she shuts up. Until the next "event". That's how personality disorders work. You're fine until "the next event". Then you lose it. However you are going to lose it, that's when you do. Because you are triggered by "the next event" that you perceive as stressful in any way, shape, or form....
In her chosen profession, Melissa views herself as quite the "expert". So much so in fact that she's not very good at the business of (a) listening to others at work, (b) accepting constructive criticism, and (c) learning from her own mistakes and/or anything "new" for that matter. As such, Melissa's work history is filled with stories about bosses from hell, co-workers from hell, anyone-she's-come-in-contact-with-at-work from hell. Are you catching my drift here? The common denominator between Melissa and all her "hellish" experiences on the job over her 20+ year career is, of course, Melissa. This is Melissa's terminal self involvement at work combined with her paranoia. And, oh by the way, if you don't "support" Melissa when she tells you these things or don't "do" what Melissa thinks you should say or do as her "friend" or "spouse" or "family member" when she's upset about her job or her career path or her attempts at finding the "perfect" job blah blah blah (which is 99.999% of the time!)...then you are the devil as well! This is where the Borderline aspect of her personality disorder comes in to play. And oh, God forbid that you have anything going on in your own life that may take the attention away from Melissa's drama of the moment. That's not happening. Even if she called today when you just found out you had a week to live, Melissa's initial response would be something like this: "Oh, I'm sorry....you know, I feel like I have a week to live too after what happened to me today!" That's narcissism for you with a capital "N"...always busy putting the focus back on who matters most all of the time and anytime at all---and that would not be anyone else but "Me! Me! Me!"
In the field of psychotherapy, Melissa's "type" of client is very challenging. Sadder still, her type of client is becoming more and more common in today's "It's All About Me!" culture as well. Which says "what" about the society in which we all live and function? Not much, I can tell you that.
Terminal self involvement doesn't occur because babies are "born" to mothers named Rosemary and fathers named Lucifer. (Although I've had a few of those in my practice nonetheless!) Instead, all this "garbage" is more taught than inherited. And that's one of the saddest facts of life of all. The only thing that should be "terminal" in life is what we absolutely can't control (death and taxes). All else? Well, I believe most everything is resolvable when you commit to the process and can admit how you, yourself, fed the beast of your own dysfunction....with those other cows.
Until we meet again....