Problem Suffering vs. Problem Solving...

When you think of your childhood history growing up with the parent(s) you did...how did he/she/they go about solving their significant problems?  For many of us, the problem of "money" was a significant issue---as in never enough and where did it all go so quickly.  As such, did your parent(s) actually ever solve and/or resolve that problem in their relationship for more than a minute?  Just asking.

In my case, my parents did not.  In actual fact, their whole lives were one big exercise in "suffering" over the ongoing and never-ending problem of "not enough money" between them.  Watching them fight and argue over money throughout my childhood, what I "thought" I learned from them was only the tip of the iceberg.  I never considered what their repeated drama about "money" taught me about becoming comfortably familiar with suffering over the same problem(s) more so than actually solving, resolving, or dissolving them.  By the time they each passed away, they had been through bankruptcy a few times...and the only "asset" to their name was a incoming monthly social security check.

When we think of suffering, we usually think about "it" as more to do with being physically sick or hurting emotionally in our present moments.  Rarely do we think about or consider how our present problems not yet solved...or resolved...or dissolved....contribute so significantly to our present suffering.

Just to recap...we can only "solve" a problem when it is our own problem to solve.  I can't solve your problems for you...and you can't solve my problems for me.  You wouldn't go to AA for me every week if I was a drunk;  neither would I brush your teeth for you every morning if you didn't care about maintaining your oral hygiene.  So---that's the first thing to remember about a problem you have.  If it's your own to solve...then it IS your own problem to solve and not anybody else's.  Using our money problem example, if you are someone who doesn't make enough to support yourself financially---why in God's name would you expect someone else to---and then get angry when they don't?  What kind of stupidity is that for real?  I mean, if you don't work---you don't eat.  It's that simple.  Needless to say, if you don't have a job--or don't have a full time job---or don't have job(s) that makes you enough $$ to support yourself financially---that is YOUR PROBLEM and nobody else's to solve!

Secondly, "resolving" a problem means that two or more people ARE involved in the problem's existence...and each party negotiates and agrees to "what" they each will do to resolve their present and shared problem.  When each party does their part as agreed, the problem is ultimately resolved.  (Messy house, not enough time spent together as a couple, kids' doing poorly in school, a family member with a drug problem who keeps asking for our "help", aging parents with increasing demands on our time and lives, etc. etc.).  In this case, the problem is shared because it takes two or more people working together to "resolve" the problem once and for all.

Last, "dissolving" a problem means making the decision (either individually or as a couple or as a family) to NOT let that particular problem "be" a problem for me/you/us any longer.  This is basically about accepting the circumstances as they are and not getting all hot and bothered about them anymore.  (the neighbor's yapping dog....the fact that your spouse is always late...his drinking issue...your infidelity...etc. etc.).  Yes, do you not think people actually "decide" to accept their spouse's drinking, infidelity, gambling, stealing---or whatever else they are willing to tolerate?  Of course they do!  Not that I agree with this type of logic, but it occurs all the time.  Just ask Wendy Williams (allegedly!).  ;-)

When we do not actively work to actually solve, resolve, or dissolve our present problems...guess what happens?  They keep popping up over time...they keep us stuck in a cyclone of arguing, fighting, and/or crying over them...and they teach everyone around us that "problem suffering" is its own thing we should and can get comfortably familiar with---and used to!

Funny how that works eh?  Staying stuck in our existing problem(s) is the gateway for learning how to accept ongoing suffering as associated with these unsolved, unresolved, and "can't accept it for what it is" problems!

I have worked with many individuals who have, after a while, complained about the issue of "Why am I doing all the work here?!" when, in fact, their partner/adult child/co-worker (whomever he or she is!) is doing very little---or nothing at all.  Yep, that's how it can go too.

The problem is "shared" and needs to be resolved.  You are doing your part....but your partner/adult child/co-worker isn't.  It can be like that.  And when the person who is actively working on the resolution of problem realizes that....there may need to be a shift from "resolving" the problem together---to "dissolving" the problem on your own.  Why do I say that?  Because if that other person involved isn't interested in doing their work to resolve your shared problem...your next step(s) become more limited.  You either dissolve the problem in your own mind ("Let it go!  Let it go!)...and, as a result, "accept" what is as something that can not change.  When you can't make the change(s) yourself to resolve the problem you share...you have no power to make the other person's change(s) for them.  Like the old saying goes, "Unless he's wearing a diaper, you can't change him!"  (LOL!)  This is how and why codependency as a lifestyle is such a sh** show of crazy.  People spend their lives trying to fix, save, and rescue someone else they love and care about---and all they really do is teach the other person to remain under-responsible, ungrateful, and unfortunate as a person!

Sometimes we just don't choose as wisely as we thought we did.  We make foolish and poor choices because we didn't think too deeply about the magnitude of our decision making at the time we made them.  We meet and get to know someone who has an issue with "lying"...and we keep overlooking it.  We put up with someone who gets "heated" pretty quickly when we don't agree with him or her...and we believe it's our own fault for their unexpected anger/angry outburst.  What.  The. F.?!

Problem suffering is not the solution.  It never is.  Time will  pass and your suffering will NOT end.  It will only become more intense...and potentially more complicated.  That's a fact.

Live in the truth.  Stop trying to play God in the lives of those you claim to love and care about.  You are not the solution.  You  never were.  Just a reminder....

Until next time...

Revelations....

What is your earliest memory of experiencing a major "Ah ha!" moment that you knew at the time you should NEVER ever forget?  It's funny about those moments, isn't it?  We tend to remember them when they are positive in nature;  we just as easily tend to forget them when they are not.  That's how it is.  Today's blog post is about revelations and the power they have to help us....to hurt us...and/or to keep us stuck in the never-ending middle of our present circumstances....

When it comes to our close personal relationships, the disappointments come easy.  We all have expectations.  I've blogged about that endless times before.  We expect what we do from whomever and whenever---and when what we expect doesn't happen, we initially feel that major pinch of disappointment.  Left unresolved or ignored altogether, the disappointments will mount as it relates to that particular person and our own expectations of them over time.  "I have asked you every time we get together to please be on time!" as one example.  "Do you think your clothes truly belong on the floor instead of inside the laundry hamper?" "Did you really need to drink those six beers again tonight?"  blah blah blah....

As disappointments mount because of what-we-find-offensive behaviors haven't changed...this is when anger rears its ugly head.  Anger is its own dysfunctional reward for the frustrations associated with being and feeling disappointed (over and over again!) and the inability to negotiate and compromise mutually-satisfying results.  Now add to the mix how the offender feels being told that he or she should change and do this because you asked---or said so.  Now we have the double whammy of anger working in both directions.  Nobody likes being told "what" to do, let alone feeling "I love you, now change!"

Over time, that anger can catch on fire and turn into rage;  that's not any surprise.  That anger and rage can also morph with time and more drama into deep resentment and bitterness.  When it gets to this point, the people involved in the relationship become basically as "bad" and as screwed up as each other (both abusive, both caught up in their "problem suffering", and both unable to see their way out of their present circumstances!)...or one has finally decided to find the courage to jump ship and leave the relationship for good.

When we were a young couple, my husband and I knew another couple where the wife was "too fat" for her husband.  And everybody knew it because he was that kind of husband...aka a d**k.  Although we didn't see them outside of the context of a social group we were part of...I felt terrible for her.  She literally walked around with her head down more often than up.  And he (for God knows what delusional reasons!) thought himself to be quite the BMOC (big man on campus) type.  Yes, he happened to be in shape, but his communication style was abysmal.  If he wasn't talking about what interested him, he wasn't interested!  You know, the one note song type of person:  ME ME ME ME ME!

ANYWAY, after about a year of him beotching about her weight whenever our group got together, word on the street was that he was having an affair with a beanpole from work.  One thing led to another and eventually the original couple here got divorced (and thankfully, no minor children attached to that hot mess either!).  About two years later I ran into his ex-wife.  She looked fabulous.  She had lost all the weight and was remarried and happy.  I asked her what motivated her decision to lose the weight she did;  she said it was getting rid of her first husband.  We laughed.  I understood.

Revelations can be like that too.  When the harsh judgments, false accusations, and nefarious behaviors fly fast and furiously...while the emotional support is extremely slim and/or non-existent...what else is there to know and realize?  We can only kid ourselves so long before we end up losing who we authentically are as a person---and our own ability to take proper care of ourselves on a regular basis.  The woman here released herself from her narcissistic and abusive spouse so she could finally be freed of his undue and never-ending negative influence over her.  Good for her!  The truth was revealed and she paid attention to it, acted on it, and got the heck out before it was too late.

My last blog post was about the Wendy Williams saga.  Since writing that post, more drama.  Of COURSE...more drama!  Allegedly her husband bought her a $40,000 watch;  oh no, wait!  The watch wasn't bought this way and when---it was bought that way and upgraded.  WTF?!  I tell ya, this is turning into Watch-what-happens-live-gate faster than one can blink!  He allegedly wants to separate;  she allegedly wants to remain married.  WHATEVER DUDES!  If all these allegations about their marriage are true, guess what?  Wendy likes it like that!  Women have been putting up with their husbands' alleged affairs since the beginning of mankind!  And...??  If she or any other woman is willing to tolerate what she has for however long, then that's what she is choosing to do, period.

This isn't rocket science.  We make choices every day.  We realize certain truths every day also when we are open to receiving them.  I asked a pothead once if they ever stopped to count how much dope they smoke in a day;  this person told me the better question to ask would be when did they ever NOT smoke dope for a day.  LOL.  Can't argue that logic.  We are who we are and we know what we choose and why.

I'm all for choosing revelations and the power they have to transform us into better people.  Life may not be easy, but it isn't cheap either.  Every day is a gift;  squandering our gifts on the wrong people, places, or things...not a good way to live just sayin'.  Unless you, of course, like it like that.

Until next time...