"You are what you attract.." "Birds of a feather, flock together..." "Misery loves company.." You've heard these sayings before. Have you ever thought about the impact your "friends" and close(r) family members have had on you in recent months, recent years, and/or over past decades? Today's blog post is all about asking yourself if it's time to start weeding your own relationship garden---for the sake of your own personal growth and healing during the new year ahead!
Friendship has the power to heal a person...just as it has the power to kill a person. That's a fact. When I was working at a local prison over twenty years ago, a large majority of the inmates I worked with were IN prison because of a relationship with a way wrong "friend" or "partner". Think about that for a few before continuing on with today's blog post...
Genuine friendship that is genuinely mutually-beneficial and soul-level affirming is a gift from God. That's the first thing. Like the old saying goes, "You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family.." No kidding. As such, for any of us---our first go-around with "friendship" actually began within the confines of our own family of origin. Little children do not say to their parents, "Listen, I want you to take grandma back to wherever she came from. She's a raging kook!"
What we learn from our own family system before we are old enough to venture outside of our own household for more than a few hours each day (while understanding what's going on around us by the way!)....teaches us a great deal about what "friendship" is---and what it is not! Unfortunately for many of us, the lessons we learn that stick "most" with us are the wrong ones instead of the right ones! "It's o.k. to use people to get what we want from them." "It's o.k. to lie so long as you don't hurt the other person's feelings.." "Everybody cheats...nobody can really be honest most of the time about anything!" and of course the classic "Everybody is a hypocrite so if you can't beat 'em...join 'em!"
Can I tell you how many siblings I have seen, for example, over the past twenty years as a licensed LLP psychologist? Plenty! And it is always very sad to me when the relational dynamics between two sisters...or two brothers...or a set of twins...or between steps or half siblings...is a HOT MESS of dysfunction! This is so unfortunate! Yet---when I come to understand how and why each party believes their relationship went "wrong" "bad" or "upside down"...things become much clearer for me when diving into the muck of other people's drama(s). By the way, much of the "friction" between two siblings has more to do with how one or both parents of those siblings treated the siblings, individually and together! Are you still delusional about parents and their "favorite" child/child(ren)? Get over it if you are! Parents constantly reveal which of their "own" child(ren) are their personal favorite(s) and why. And so how does it feel when you know you kept coming out on the short end of that stick---for your entire life so far? Can you say Bitter and not Better? I sure can, even if only on your behalf!
All of this to make the point that feeling "stuck" with someone in your life who you don't consider a "real" friend in the first place---still leaves you with some alternative options for your own sanity's sake! There are always options. One can weed. One can set boundaries that stick. One can create distance. One can leave and not look back. And one can certainly cultivate "new" friendships that are higher quality and less soul-crushing.
For example, many people vow in the new year to get sober, eat healthy, exercise more, and lose weight. That's cool. So what do you do when you take a look around at your friendship circle---only to notice that the vast majority of your friends are active addicts, eat like crap, don't exercise at all, and each have a minimum of about 50 lbs. to lose?! How would friends like "this" encourage, inspire, and motivate you to reach your intended goals? They, in two words, WOULD NOT! So---in this example---"weeding" doesn't mean getting rid of these friends per se, but certainly discerning "which" of these friends is least likely to sabotage/harshly judge/confound your progress by what they say or do while in your presence! If, in fact, any of them are capable of positive forms of ongoing support. Temptation to do the wrong or easy thing doesn't always come in the form of picking up a drink or going to the casino on a day-long binge...but from the mouths of others who basically communicate to us, "It's o.k., just go ahead, it can't hurt you."
When I think of the most common issues that give people a way wrong idea of what "friendship" actually is and means...99.999% of any problems has to do with a highly codependent and toxically codependent relationship dynamic and lifestyle. People don't know how to treat others as equals with mutual respect and rigorous honesty attached. That is the first thing to note about the "rules of being codependent".
Codependency, by definition, is "people addiction". If I am addicted to you---then you are supposed to allow me to "serve" you, so you learn you can't live without me. In this way, I am teaching you that I am in control of your happiness, because without me, you'll NEVER find anybody so willing to "serve" you like I have!
If you are addicted to me---then I am supposed to allow you to "serve" me, so I can learn how you are my sole source of my ability to feel Powerful, Pleasured, and able to Avoid Personal Responsibility because of what "you" do for "me". Double ugh! I'm now you King/Queen Baby for life!
So the dynamic between two codependent people who are addicted to each other involves this highly dysfunctional flip-flop dance of "Who's the Master? Who's the Slave? Today? This week? This month? This year? etc. etc.
How effed up is that? Plenty!
In the end, codependency is all about trying to control each other through this "service" oriented mentality that teaches each other that we can't do squat on our own because we "need" our chosen person (our "friend" of choice!) to do our stuff for us instead of us doing our own stuff for ourselves! NOT helpful folks! Not at all!
When one person drops the ball and stops dancing to the same tune of the codependent flip-flop dance...things can go to hell in a handbasket very quickly. "Where's my coffee this morning?!" "How come you were out this way and you DID NOT CALL ME?!?" "How dare you put that on for tonight's party?! What's wrong with you? I hate you in the color green!" SPARE ME!!!
Spare me, indeed!
So think about what you have to weed out of your relationship garden during this new year of 2023...beginning tomorrow! January 1, 2023!
Every day we are above ground is a gift. Don't squander it. Use whatever time you have left to genuinely improve the quality of your own life and relationships! You don't exist just to make sure other people serve you the way you want them to---and/or you serve them the way they want you to. Everyone has to carry their own personal load of personal responsibility...and get it done...each and every day.
So consider some weeding for a healthier personal garden in 2023!
Until next post...