Empathy is a wonderful engine. However, boundaries are the steering wheel. Without both, you eventually crash. Today's blog post is about understanding pathological empathy aka "hyperempathy", "toxic empathy", "compassion fatigue", and "emotional enmeshment". Get your seatbelts on. This will be a ride you are not likely to forget.
Most of us have been taught that empathy is always a good thing. Be kind. Be understanding. Put yourself in their shoes. Care deeply. These are certainly valuable qualities. However, there is a difference between caring and carrying. There always has been.
Empathy can stop being healthy and start becoming harmful when they lead to this basic problem: caring so much about another person's feelings that you lose track of your own.
Healthy empathy connects you with another person who is hurting. It does not consume you. When you are practicing healthy empathy, it says things like:
"I understand you are hurting." "I care about you." "I am willing to help you with that."
Yet, healthy empathy also says: "Your emotions belong to you." "My emotions belong to me." "I cannot live your life for you." "I cannot make your decisions for you."
Toxic empathy, on the other hand, can start out innocently enough. You notice someone is suffering and you want to help him/her/them. Then gradually:
. You become preoccupied with their problem(s)
. Their mood determines your mood
. You begin to feel responsible for fixing them
. You spend increasing amounts of time rescuing them
. Your own needs begin disappearing
Eventually, the relationship revolves around their distress and your response(s) to it. That is no longer empathy. That is emotional over-investment.
Some people are good at recognizing the distinction between healthy and toxic empathy. Repeatedly giving money to him/her/them, solving their crises, fixing their mistakes, absorbing their personal responsibilities—these are examples of toxic empathy. You do not exist to constantly rescue people from the consequences of their own actions.
This is, sadly, a common mistake of highly successful "parents" who are then finding themselves enmeshed with an under-responsible adult child (or children) who expect their own brand of save/fix/rescue handouts on demand.
For the hyperempathic "giver" in this type of situation, you are going to feel exhausted by the relationship with your adult son/daughter/grandchild/their family system. You feel drained, overwhelmed, anxious, and emotionally depleted. Yet you continue giving. You confuse helping with loving. You believe that love requires toxic levels of sacrifice, self-denial, and/or endless availability.
Many highly empathic people learned early in life that their value came from taking care of others. Perhaps he/she/they learned to:
. Keep the peace
. Manage parental emotions
. Support an addicted family member
. Attend to unpredictable caregivers
. Become the "responsible" one in the family
Over time, helping became part of their self-identity. Their self-worth became tied to being needed.
And then they wonder how they get addicted to their need to be needed over time? Uh, not a big stretch there when you think about it!
People stuck in toxic empathy often unconsciously ask themselves, "Who needs me?" rather than "Who is healthy enough for me?"
As a result, they frequently find themselves attracted to: chronic victims, crisis-driven people, emotionally unstable partners, highly dependent friends, and people who refuse responsibility.
Not because they enjoy suffering, but because being "needed" feels meaningful.
The hidden cost of being excessively empathic produces anxiety, burnout, resentment, depression, emotional exhaustion, physical health problems, lost friendships, and loss of personal identity.
The helper becomes so focused on another person's life that they abandon their own life in the process.
Empathy says: "I feel your pain." Which is very different from Compassion which says: "I see your pain, care about it, and remain grounded."
Know the difference.
Empathy jumps into that hole in the sidewalk. Compassion throws a rope. Compassion helps without jumping into that hole with you.
Your life is your responsibility. Compassion, boundaries, and reality allows you to engage in healthy caring without carrying the burden of someone else's life on your own shoulders.
Until next post...