Here's a thought for today: what if what he/she/they repeatedly told you about yourself was never actually true?
Today's blog post is about the "big" truth regarding psychological/emotional abuse. If you aren't sure what that means, it means what people say to you about you in an attempt to convince you that he/she/they know better than you do about "who" you actually are.
Something to think about eh?
As a survivor of childhood psychological/emotional abuse, I remember thinking, even as a little kid, how something was wrong with my mother whenever she told me "who" she thought I was. To me, it was as obvious as trying to convince me I was blonde haired with blue eyes when, in fact, I had dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Unfortunately, many survivors of this form of abuse spend years and/or decades trying to honestly answer questions such as: "Am I selfish?" "Am I lazy?" "Am I crazy?" "Am I too sensitive?" "Am I unlovable?" "Am I the problem?" "Is it always my fault?" etc. etc.
The bigger question we often overlook is this: "What if these statements were never accurate descriptions of me at all?"
What if they were injuries?
The difference between a truth and an injury is pretty clearcut:
A cut on your arm is not your arm. A bruise on your body is not your body.
A psychological wound inflicted upon you is not your identity.
When someone repeatedly tells you that you are worthless, stupid, selfish, broken, too much, not enough, and whatever else they say to you—guess what? They are NOT revealing your true character. They are, instead, attempting to create psychological injuries.
The problem is that psychological/emotional wounds are invisible. Because we can't see them, we often mistake them for absolute truth(s). Psychological abuse creates false mirrors. Abusive people often hold up a distorted mirror to your face. In that mirror, you may appear defective, incompetent, unworthy, undesirable, and responsible for everyone else's problems.
After enough exposure, many people stop questioning the distorted reflection they see in that mirror. they being studying it, analyzing it, trying to fix it, and believing it. But how can a distorted mirror tell the actual truth? It can't. It can only distort reality.
A critical question to ask yourself is this: "Who benefited from me believing these negative things about myself?"
This question often reveals something important. Healthy people help you to see yourself more clearly. Abusive people often benefit when you doubt yourself. The more uncertain you become about yourself, the more control an abusive person gains over you. You stop trusting yourself, and start believing what this other person/people/group tells you about yourself. Ironic how that works eh? Have you ever met the person or group who repeatedly tells you how kind, sweet-spirited, smart, and hard working you are? When you do, introduce them to me will you? (LOL!) Psychologically and emotionally abusive people may "love bomb" you for a bit; in the end, however, they are your greatest detractors.
What was said to you in an attempt to control and manipulate you is not who you are. Someone calls you difficult. That does not mean you are difficult. Think of it this way: if someone accused you of stealing something when you know for real and for sure that you did not steal anything, you would also know that the person making the accusation was misinformed—or is a liar. Pick one.
People who tolerate psychological/emotional abuse; they don't pick one. They just blindly believe what they've been told by their abuser(s). Because that's how abusers roll. They don't give you a break. They chip away, chop away, sledgehammer away (however you want to define it!) at you until they know they have broken you down—along with breaking your spirit in the process.
How tragic is that?
People can make all sorts of statements about who you are. That does not make those statements facts. The facts stand on their own regardless of what anyone does or doesn't say about "who" you are. And the more you authentically understand yourself and who you are, the easier it is to treat these false accusations and harsh judgments like buzzing flies around your face—rather than an avalanche that suffocates the life out of you.
One of my favorite lines in dealing with a psychological/emotionally abusive person is this:
"I know who I genuinely am; it's too bad you don't." Old school translation: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names can never hurt me."
No kidding, but it takes practice!
Of course, when we don't know who we are, this represents one of life's greatest vulnerabilities. When we don't know ourselves, how can anybody else understand us, let alone understand us "well" and/or "intimately" (Into-Me-You-See)?
When we are unsure of our value, identity, strengths, and character, we become vulnerable to accepting other people's definitions of us. If we do not know or work on figuring out who we are, someone else will happily tell us. And not everyone who defines us is qualified to do so.
Recovery begins with the simple realization that whatever was said about you may NOT be the truth. Instead, it may be the evidence of what happened to you.
The shame. The self-doubt. The confusion. The fear. The harsh inner critic. The guilt.
These are not character flaws; these are scars from the injuries you sustained.
Instead of asking "What's wrong with me?", try asking "What happened to me?"
Instead of asking "Why did I believe him/her/them?", try asking "How deeply was I wounded?"
These are the questions that often lead toward healing.
Remember, you are not the accusation. You are not the label. You are not the distortion. You are not the injuries you sustained.
You are the person who survived all that. There's resilience in your story because you are still here to tell it.
Keep up your own good work. You are worth it. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Don't let another month, season, or year go by where nothing changes...
Also be sure to check out Dr. Ruth from Michigan on Youtube. She is a PhD researcher who left a psychologically and emotionally abusive marriage after ten years. Her online moniker is Dr. Ruth/That Was Abuse and Healing By the Numbers. If you google that, you'll get right to her. She's worth giving a watch/listen to online or on her Youtube channel.
Until next post...