When We Don't Know...Part II

Being addicted to certain people in our lives...and/or being the object of addiction in the lives of certain others IS a difficult way to do our relationship life!  Last post, I presented some hard truths about the codependent "giver" within each of us.  This post, I am sharing what our inner codependent "taker" is most motivated by when we take from certain others who share codependent addiction status with us....

To be clear, we ALL have the codependent "giver" and "taker" lurking within in.  We aren't just one way or the other, because everything depends on the person(s) we are dealing with in any given moment of our lives.  You may be more of a "taker" in your relationship life involving your siblings who are older than you.  Yet, you may function as a big-time "giver" to people you don't even really know that well, if at all.  In this sense, a person can very easily function as "It's o.k. to take from my older siblings because what I want from them is very different from the people I don't know well at all but am willing to give to.."

Why is this?  Well, since our "giving" is mainly motivated by our needs for approval, acceptance, and like or love from those we give to....our primary motivation for "taking" is very different!  When we "take" from someone when we are codependent, we are mainly motivated by our needs for the following:

Power (Feeling of "control" over the person we are taking from..)

Pleasure (Feeling "good" about ourselves at the expense of the person we are taking from...)

Avoid Personal Responsibility(s) (Finding someone else to do our work we don't want to do!)

And there you have it!  Codependent taking is all about getting what I want (from him, her, or them!) on demand....because I can!  When I take, I want to feel powerful and in control, I want to feel pleasure, and I want to avoid my own personal responsibility(s).  End of.  That's why any of us take when we do from another person when we are codependent!  In the scenario described above, this youngest sibling doesn't want or need the approval, acceptance, and love of her siblings MORE than she wants to feel power, pleasure, and the ability to avoid her own responsibility(s) when she "takes" from one or more of them.  That's how this works.  Easier to give to people who don't know us very deeply, because anyone receiving something they didn't expect from us, are going to be extremely "grateful" for what we do or have done for him/her/them.  You've been there, haven't you?  I know I have!  The problems arise when our "giving" becomes a habit and we aren't receiving back that approval, acceptance, and like/love as we begin to expect consciously after so many incidences of giving, giving, and giving some more.  That's how "givers" who are codependent ultimately burn out or walk out of their chosen "taker" person's life. 

Interdependence is the alternative lifestyle for us as our cure for codependency.  We are capable of carrying our own load of daily responsibilities;  we don't spend time looking for others who will carry our daily load for us...and/or make us feel how we want to feel instantly enough.  

With interdependence, people are not objects to use or be used by.  People are equal.  With interdependence as a relationship lifestyle, being HONEST about EVERYTHING is what is necessary to experience genuine "into me you see" intimacy at an emotional, spiritual, and/or physical level.  People who are interdependent are also RESPECTFUL of themselves, and respectful of all others.  Respect, in this context, means that both parties are clearly aware of the personal values/rules of conduct which guide their own personal and professional lives.  Nothing anyone does represents "some secret thing" that, if exposed, would represent their personal and/or professional undoing.  Like being a pedophile (now referred to, by the way, as "Minor Attraction Status" to take the sting out of describing adults who choose to prefer having sex with children.) 

When will we ever learn?  

Interdependence shows itself also when we are comfortable knowing how to say what we mean, mean what we say, not say it mean, yet say it on time and to the right person(s) involved on an ongoing basis to anyone and everyone.  We are assertive enough.  We are secure enough in our attachment status.  We are as comfortable saying "No" to some person or group as we are saying "Yes".  We really do know right from wrong, and we practice it in our daily lives.  We don't succumb to the traps and snares of life as easily as we once used to because we are kinder and gentler to ourselves as a general rule.

In this moment, and in this current culture we inhabit, there are far too many of us who want our instant "fix" of feeling good as our default coping strategy in surviving life itself.  We don't know what to do about what we don't know what to do.

Busting out from the codependent relationship lifestyle is a huge part of the healing and recovery process.  Of course it is.  Addiction to certain people is no different than addiction to certain drugs or other processes that we rely on to "feel good fast".  We have to stop doing this to each other because we are NOT drugs or pleasure-based processes.  We are people!  When we can love people and use things instead of using people and loving things, we can recover and heal.

Until next post....

When We Do NOT Know What Motivates Our Own Life's Choices....

We are all codependent.  That's the first thing.  I know you may not know what that is or means, but if you have read my blog for a while, you understand.  From as far back as humanity goes, codependency was there as a lifestyle.  What is codependency?  It is people addiction.  Not to "all" people per se, but to certain people we are addicted to----and to certain people we want to have addicted to us.  That's it.  Very simple.   That's all you need to know for now....

So...what do you think most MOTIVATES the codependent person who is addicted to his mother---or his father---or his best friend Joe---or his boss at work?  Maybe you don't know what I mean by using the term "motivates"---so I am going to spell it out for you.

When you are addicted to someone, you want to impress them.  You want to please them.  You want to let them know without a doubt this reality:  "When you need me, I'll be there in a hurry!"  Many a song has been written about this type of person we call the codependent "giver".  Theirs is the alter you worship at.  They are the "g" word (God!) "ideal" that you have been seeking your whole life thus far.  We are their forever minion willing to do whatever they want on demand.  In this way, we are trying to teach them that he/she/they CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT ME/MY LOVE/MY HELP/MY SUPPORT!

As a result, what most motivates a codependent giver are these three things:  "I want your approval!  I want your acceptance!  I want your like/love! in return for all that giving I do...for you!

Needless to say, there is a codependent "giver" lurking within each of us.  We all know how to "give" to someone we want to impress.  We all know how to please someone we get to know and who tells us what he/she/they want or need from us.  And we certainly know how to "jump" when someone we are addicted to rings their bell allowing us to show up in their life in that moment.  Now you know, when all that goes down...it goes down because what we want IN RETURN FOR OUR "GIVING" is our chosen person's approval, acceptance, and like/love!  These are the three things we are most motivated by when we "give" to someon else---or to someone else we are addicted to.  Period.  That's it.  

Now....that may be easy for you to understand.  We all know the people from our own life, right now, that we believe function this way most of the time.  Whether you call that person "Grandma!" or "Doormat!" or "People Pleaser!" or "My beloved spouse!"....a codependent "giver" can come in many different shapes and sizes.  Also, the mindset of a codependent giver says: "You are GREAT!  I may be o.k., but for sure you are GREAT!"  Like that.  Codependent givers do not see themselves as equal to anybody else...but always just a bit (or a lot!) beneath the object of their attention/adoration/addiction. 

Unfortunately codependent giving is not an act of loving sacrifice between people who view themselves as true "equals" to each other.  Why?  Because when we give and have strings attached to our giving ("I want you to love me!"  "I want you to approve of me!"  "I want you to accept me as I am!")...then that's not love!  That's a transaction!  I do this for you...and you give me that in return.  Everybody now is an object.  Either you use me, or I use you...and that's the "dance" of codependency we play out repeatedly until one of us gets sick of the dance and the dynamic!

No wonder codependent "givers" eventually burn out or get sick of the person(s) they've been giving to without regularly enough receiving back that approval, acceptance, and like (or love!) they want(ed) in return!  We can only take so much before we tell ourselves, "I'm done!"  and then leave the relationship.   Couples break up and families split up every day because of this primary relationship-based issue!  "After all I've done for YOU since we have been together and this is how you thank me by wanting and demanding even MORE from me?!  Drop dead Fred!"

Yeah, it can go like that more than you'll ever comprehend from just today's blog post!

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Now imagine how much more complicated this whole codependency thing as a relationship lifestyle can get when the "giver" isn't even consciously aware of what he/she/they are most motivated by in return for their giving?  That happens all the time too.  Do you think codependent givers really go around in life saying to themselves, "Oh!  I want her approval, acceptance, and love whenever I do something nice for her that she didn't expect or ask for!"  No, we don't typically think that way, okay?  

 At first, what we say to ourselves may just be as simple as:  "Well, I want him to want me too!" instead of telling ourselves, "Well, I think I'm falling in love with him...so I sure hope he will fall in love with me in return when I keep serving him like I think he wants me to!"  AKA:  Goal here is to achieve mutual addiction status!  Not just me being addicted to you....but you becoming addicted to me in return!  Then we'll be great together!  

Get a clue!  That never lasts longer than it takes for the "object" of the original addiction attempt to discover someone else better around that corner over there.  Didn't you ever hear the saying:  "He who cares the least controls the most!"  When we are incapable of real love, when we are so malignantly narcissistic or sociopathic (without empathy) or borderline personality disordered, or histrionic (attention-seeking), how are WE going to "love" anybody at all very much---let alone well enough?  We just can't!  We don't have it in us---so we just go around letting new and different people become addicted to us when we possess the skills to achieve that---until we find someone new to replace him/her/them because they stopped serving us to the extent we expect "now"!

Next post, we are going to address what most motivates the codependent "taker"'s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors...

When the Hard Truth(s) Come....

Hard truths are rarely easy to digest.  Double that when said truth(s) have to do with ourselves.  Has anyone reading this now know the song "In the Living Years" by Mike and the Mechanics from the mid 1980s?  If not, go listen to it now online.  Yes, this is what I will be discussing in today's blog post.  What do we do when the truth is too hard to take...and on top of it, all we end up doing is fighting over it with the messenger of that truth!  Even when that messenger is ourselves!  

So you know me, I always have a story to prove my point.  By the way, any of my stories shared on my blog here are NOT about "this person here from my past or present".  I will tell you who the person is (1) after they are dead and I choose to tell you "who" he/she/they were and how he/she/they were connected to me  in my own real life.  Next, it's important to know the stories presented on my blog, at times, are representative of an amalgam of different people with their different experiences combined together like a great big salad.  Nobody is readily identifiable...but yet all the right lessons (hopefully!) are made clear as a result of any given narrative presented here...

Just the other day, I had someone tell me the name of a brand new employer I knew about all too well.  This, by the way, a connection that has nothing to do with my job as a therapist or my current or past clients.  So...me being me...I cut to the chase:  What I basically said was, "This isn't the place to get involved with anyone past good morning and good night!  And you'll know when it's time to move on to something else when you remain objective about where you are and the types of people surrounding you..." 

I can remember (of course I can!) when "work" was the place where I met my future friends and relations!  Can you?  I think of one friend whose business has basically been responsible for bringing together countless people who are still together as friends, soulmates, or spouses to this day!  Don't discount the reality that everyone has experienced this need for "connection" at some point in their own work-related history!  The key is how many people deeply regret who they "met" and went under as a result of their pairing up in the first place?  You know, like that man or woman who turned you onto a lifestyle that took you way down more than anything else in your own life?  Yep...like that!

So----for the person I was speaking to, I know it had to be beyond helpful (hopefully!) on his part to know that I can cut to the chase like that when my biggest concern is my person's ability to maintain his/her/their objective (and sober!) view of reality without jeopardizing (harming!) themselves in some way, shape, or form.  He got it.  I'm grateful.  

Hard truths are never easy.  It's made more complicated when we believe only the worst about ourselves and that's what we keep going back to.  We can say we think we are (positive! positive!) out loud and to other people, but we would be lying.  We don't believe any of the positive! positive! anyway;  we only believe the beyond negative, negative about ourselves.  Then we end up making relationship decisions based on our own bad perception of who we are ourselves from the inside out!

When we view ourselves as fundamentally flawed and unable to sustain healthy-enough personal relationships, it is true that "any" charmer or perceived as "fun" or "exciting" person will draw us in.  That's just a fact.  Yet this is exactly when we have to be and remain objective about him/her/them.  For example, if I just meet a new co-worker at a job that I started two days ago, what am I to do with the question they ask, when the question they ask me is this:  "So, do you smoke crack?  Cause you know, around here, the boss doesn't care if we smoke crack during our breaks."  Yes, I'm being dramatic but you get my point?  I HOPE you get my point!  What's your value system?  What do you say or do when it's being challenged?  Do you crumble and stumble and fall right into the trap(s) being set for you?  I hope not.  If you do, you better hurry up and call someone like me for help like yesterday! 

I would love to believe that everyone being challenged by hard truths would do the right thing in order to keep themselves in check before they go ahead and wreck themselves.  However, I find that more and more of us are spineless when it comes to this addiction we have to approval, acceptance, and "like" from others we are thrown together with through a new employment situation (as presented above), or a new family system we just married into, or getting to know the "friends" of our latest boyfriend or girlfriend, etc. etc. etc.  

Just because someone acts like they "want" you or wants to get to know you better...you do NOT have to respond like "OK then!  Go ahead and use me till you use me up!"  Stop the madness puleeze!  It is NOT NORMAL to become "fast friends" with anybody.  There's a hard truth for you!  Fast friends equals even faster opportunities to exploit you AND VICE VERSA when you allow it!  So stop it before it starts!  Be clear about who you genuinely are that is GOOD and RIGHT and TRUE---instead of believing the worst you already believe about yourself and your true value!

Ugh!

Because I worked in a prison system for some time, the analogy I like to use about this brand of hard truth is that you do NOT want to end up in prison because you were too afraid to say "NO!" when told to drive the getaway car!  The prison you inhabit when you can't comfortably learn how to say "NO!" is not just potentially limited to a cell over at Huron Valley or Jackson.  You lose your own unique identity in the name of people-pleasing, acceptance, approval, and like/love towards the WRONG person(s).

You follow me?  I hope so!

Until next post....

 

Attachment Styles & their Links to Communication Styles...

Last post, I introduced you to the Fearful-Avoidant attachment style.  With this style, the basic core belief of the person involved is this:  "I am not o.k...and you are not o.k. either."  Period.  This is because the FA style craves intimacy (but avoids actually achieving it!), while at the same time is highly fearful of rejection.  There have been too many life experiences where this type of person does NOT trust others, and has also repeatedly been burned by others---be it imagined burning or real burning that has occurred there.  He/she/they with this type of attachment style usually has no idea why loneliness is such a close companion.  Communications-wise, the FA person is most likely to rely on the passive-aggressive communication style in his/her/their interactions with others---because that feels most "safe".  What this means is that communication is extremely unpredictable.  Like the definition of passive-aggressive behavior:  The dog is licking your hand while urinating on your leg.  Passive-aggressive communication is not much different.  I say one thing, but do another thing.  I say one thing, but I mean another thing.  There cannot be any authentic trust or honesty exchanged with a person who is a passive-aggressive communicator.  "No, I'm fine you don't have to do that for me really I'm o.k.!" (meanwhile, thought life is screaming "You selfish $A*)#) after all I've done for you and you can't do this one little thing for me?!?")  

This post, I will present the other three attachment styles and the communication styles that most often accompany them....

The Secure attachment style is always the goal for anyone.  With this style, our basic core belief is this:  "I am o.k....and you are o.k. also."  Basic trust is present.  Equality between any two people is present.  Mutual respect is present.  Honest exchanges of information is present.  And, of course, clear boundaries are present as well.  This type of person is most often assertive in communicating to others.  "Say what you mean,  mean what you say, don't say it mean, and say it on time and to the right person(s)" is the edict of securely attached individuals.  When we are assertive, we address offensive remarks or behaviors directly and without "drama" attached.  "When you..................I felt....................so can you...................because..............................."  Or, turning things around a bit:  "I felt..................when you............because...............so can you.............................in the future?"  "Can you...............because.................when you..................I felt........................."  Whichever order you want to communicate how you felt in any given circumstance that involves calling out offensive words and/or actions...this is the format to follow when you are an assertive communicator.  Becoming a securely attached individual who most often communicates assertively takes practice.  As would be true for anyone.  You can't just think about it and that'll do.  It won't do.  

Next, the Dismissive-Avoidant attachment style represents a twist on the Fearful-Avoidant attachment style because DAs believe "I am o.k., and you are not o.k."  Hence, I am "above" you and therefore I can dismiss you at will because....I am o.k. and you are not!  Wow.  Talk about still avoiding true and genuine intimacy with another person...but now instead of fearing rejection---DAs most fear losing their personal freedom!  ("Don't YOU tell ME what to do!")  ("How DARE you try to put any chains on MY behaviors!")  With the DA attachment style, the communication style most often relied on is aggressive in nature.  Basically, whatever it takes to keep the other person at a comfortable enough emotional distance---the DA will say it or do it accordingly.  If there was a byline to describe the DA attachment and communication style combined together, it would be this:  "Time for you to go away now!"  DAs are often labeled as "malignant narcissists", without any understanding regarding this attachment style and associated communication style.  Now you know.  

Lastly, the Insecure and/or "Anxious" attachment style is about living in imagined fear about "what if..?" the relationship goes south or worse.  Insecurely attached individuals are the people pleasing martyrs among us.  Their core belief is this:  "I am not o.k., and you are o.k."  Their inner voice repeatedly tells them "Whatever he/she/they want, I'm good with that!"  "Oh, no problem...sure I can do that for you!"  etc. etc.  Anxious attachment style individuals are the passive communicators among us.  They don't want to rock any boat, let alone one they inhabit with you.  I am reminded of all the various peeps I have known over the years who had adopted this attachment and communication style.  When things go south, as they can in any relationship, these folks are the most devastated because he/she/they KNOW how hard they worked to be "good" to their chosen partner/family member/friend/co-worker, etc.  Insecurely attached people want genuine intimacy with others;  they just don't know how else to go about it other than being their chosen person's "yes" responder.  In fact, it is the insecurely/anxiously attached individual who can feel so easily confused about "who" they are exactly when they have spent so much time in their own life being what others want(ed) them to be on demand.  It's a hard way to live;  even harder when it leads to being left behind because..???

There is a way out from under whatever attachment style and communication style you have adopted that is other than the secure/assertive types.  To do nothing about this issue guarantees that nothing will change for the better over time.  So let's get to work.  We are worth it!

Until next post....