Can I just start out today's post by saying that hope really does spring eternal for those couples who genuinely commit themselves to marital restoration and harmony. It is NOT an impossible dream rarely realized. Today's blog post is about the four horsemen of the marital apocalypse (John Gottman coined that phrase, so I can't take credit for it!) which has to do specifically with the four behavioral patterns that are sure to kill any hope of reconciliation, repair, and restoration of one's marriage. So let's begin with the first horseman: Criticism!
Criticism. All communication between any two people needs to be most motivated by curiosity and care...NOT criticism. Yet we didn't have to go to school to learn about this particular brand of communication that can so easily morph into a relational pattern in both life and marriage. When do you remember first being repeatedly targeted by someone else's unsolicited criticism? Now think about "who" it was who doled out that consistent criticism aimed in your direction. And how is that relationship working for you now if that other person is still alive? Along the same lines, when do you first remember being overtly and consistently critical of someone else? Did you drink that Kool Aid about how being critical towards others was merely tied to encouraging he/she/they to know better, do better, and be better as a---student/athlete/worker/carer/golden child within one's family/sister/brother/grandchild etc. etc. etc.? Puleeze! If this is what it meant to pursue and then function within the spirit of "healthy competition" in your family or outside of it---now is the time to check yourself rather than wreck yourself and those around you!
Scrutinizing and criticizing are very close companions in the context of what all is involved to "get" to feeling comfortable about actively and harshly judging oneself and/or others. We scrutinize someone for whatever purpose/motive....and then the negative criticisms seem to just flow like a river once we allow them to. Constructive criticism is NOT what I am talking about here. Don't confuse that with tearing down a person just because one chooses to do so. With constructive criticism, the "critic" is asked to offer unvarnished feedback to assist their person with recognizing performance-based flaws/problems/opportunities for growth. When scrutiny and criticism functions as a relational lifestyle, the critic is in it to feel better about themselves at the target's expense. End of. That's their motivation. Not pretty. Not helpful. Not encouraging.
As such, do you wonder why our three most recent generations have raised the giant Red Flags of "I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK!" It's human nature to seek out acceptance, approval, and love from others! We are created as relational beings! Nobody likes or wants to be scrutinized, harshly judged, and then consistently criticized by ANYBODY! Let alone when that "anybody" includes family members or life partners who are supposed to truly love us without a whole lot of specific conditions attached!
(Shout out to "S" whose husband "P" told her she was getting too fat and he might have to divorce her. He did...found his Skinny Minny replacement wife...and "S" proceeded to lose 100 lbs. post divorce. When "P" saw her at the gym years after the fact, his first words to her were this: "If you looked like this, I never would have left.") Like she cared about his opinion by then. N-O-T!)
YET---for those of us who grew up in highly competitive and love-is-conditional-round-here types of households, and/or drank the Kool Aid about "We only raise WINNERS in this family!"...can you see how scrutiny and criticism can so easily get intertwined into the narrative of "This is what I have to do to function as a WINNER in my own life!"?
Scrutiny (whether self or other-directed!) is when we BELIEVE we are observing someone objectively. Wrong! If that were the case, there would be no harsh judgements to attach to our observations. We accept what is---and we move on. Yet when combined with harsh judgment in the form of criticism as we relate to others---this is NOT a way to cultivate and maintain genuine emotional intimacy (into me you see!)!
Refresher time: there are three forms of intimacy: Emotional, Spiritual, and Physical. There is no ability to experience deep and authentic "connection" with another human being (understanding him/her/them as well as possible and vice versa!) unless there is EQUALITY, MUTUAL RESPECT, and HONESTY in all exchanges of information and care with one another. How does scrutiny and ongoing criticism fit into that paradigm? It doesn't. There is NOT a married couple on this planet that would say to me in a session, "We just love scrutinizing and criticizing each other! It's the glue that keeps us feeling love-bonded to each other!" ROFLMAO! Not!
Instead of competing, instead of scrutinizing and then criticizing...let's start practicing cooperation to achieve our individual and mutually-agreed upon goals as a married couple?! How about that?
However we learned to criticize ourselves and others...all this dysfunctional behavioral pattern achieves in the bigger picture of our lives is teach us how to CONDEM that which we choose not to accept. Condemnation is the fruit from the tree that scrutiny and criticism built. Time to chop down that damn tree and get move ourselves forward in a healthier and more mutually-satisfying direction. How about it?
Next time, how DEFENSIVENESS works to kill a marriage...
Until next post...