Are You a Problem?...

Having worked with a wide variety of populations over the past 22 years, I will say that we humans like to believe that our fellow humans are more like us than unlike us---all in a "positive" way of course.  Whether we are operating from this false positive or the false negative point of view, not being able to see reality objectively (of self and others) is exactly what leads to too many of us walking blindly along the same dark and dysfunctional life's path for however long we do...

For example (and for those of you who already know this story, just skip ahead!), when I was a young 20-something, I cultivated a friendship with some pizza/gourmet grocery shop owners across the road from our home.  The husband was a very friendly older guy;  we "met" when I asked him about the sign posted behind his counter on the wall.  It said, "These premises are monitored by a 357 magnum three nights a week.  You guess which three nights."  Needless to say, he was funny and I liked that.  At the time, making me laugh was a primary criteria leading to our subsequent friendship.

I of course met his wife who also worked at the store....and his kids who were both teenagers at the time.  In fact, his wife was funnier than he was.  As a truly a laugh-a-minute family, I enjoyed hanging out with them in the "back room" when my husband was traveling abroad and bk (before kids).  These new friends would break out some wine, we'd eat pizza, and laugh our way through many a night talking about whatever struck our fancies.  We actually found we had lots of local people in common.  One of my old friends from a former employer was once engaged to his brother, before his brother was tragically killed.  One of his good friends was trying to pair up with my old roommate, who was his nearby neighbor.   Yikes what a small world we resided in at that time!  Their stories were also quite entertaining, as they were nearly twenty years older than myself and seemed to know all the good tea about the hometown we shared.

As our friendship evolved, "dad" said to me one day that I had better be mindful of the fact that in business, pretty much everyone is a crook.  Since I had my own business at that time (as a marketing consultant to small business), I replied that I, myself, wasn't a crook.  His response was as follows:  "You'll learn."  

Well, no kidding I DID learn---but what I learned was to refuse working for or with the crooks in this life rather than join them, how about that?  In the case of this particular friend and his wife, we kept our relationship social and did not mix business with pleasure.  They wanted to, but I always politely refused and referred them elsewhere.  Sadly, he was taken unexpectedly at the age of 52...and his surviving family shortly thereafter relocated to another state.  This was after nearly ten years of knowing each other as we had.

Yet I can admit that there were times in my life history when I was definitely a problem among my own social circle.  I was that 19 year old who would call you up to ask if you were free to join me at such-and-such disco Friday night---but then if I got a better offer between now and Friday, I'd conveniently "forget" to call you back and inform you of my change in plans.  Especially if who I was agreeing to go out with didn't like you as much as I did.  Sadly, I left many a friend confused about "What happened to Mary?" when I failed to show up or pick him/her/them up, etc. etc.  To confront me about this dysfunctional pattern of behavior was not going to end well.  I'd cut you off for a while, and then, if I began to actually miss your presence in my life---I'd call weeks later and behave as if nothing happened.  How these same friends remained in my life since that time speaks to the power of forgiveness and emotional maturity over time.  <3  

Of course we will meet people throughout our lives who impress us or vice versa---and then befriend us.  Yet what do we do when those revelations come to light regarding each other's conflicting core values and subsequent opportunities to do each other dirty?  (By making choices which make us feel "good" (usually at someone else's expense)/that are more personally profitable (without considering the ethics or legal ramnifications of our actions)/and/or to exact revenge on some real or imagined "enemy"?)  Think about that.  

Only today, I found out about a couple who has been married for nearly 30 years.  He just left.  No real explanation, he quietly filed for divorce, had his wife served at work, and left the marital home.  Yes, he does happen to have had a girlfriend waiting in the wings.  However, for his wife to be so "blindsided" by what happened is just silly.  Didn't she recognize how they were a problem to each other when their disagreements led to a steady stream of lose/win or win/lose outcomes over recent decades?  Unless a couple knows how to successfully negotiate and compromise to reach win/win outcomes...things will go downhill and stay there.  Even though this husband found his "dream" woman (apparently!)...I have to wonder how things will go for them once his divorce is final, this new twosome becomes comfortably familiar with each other, and the "fight for control" resumes---except with another woman rather than with his original wife?  Just asking.

I have always said that water finds its own level.  We are who we attract---and invite to stay.  Yet, what if what you are repeatedly attracting someone who keeps bringing out the worst in you, as was true in the case of the above-mentioned couple?  Let's face it;  if you hang out with the wild dogs, you will catch those fleas!  In fact, you may be more of a problem to others than you think you are.  Perhaps now is the time to buy yourself a flea collar and consider moving yourself over to greener and more peaceful surroundings...

So what do you do the day you wake up and realize that you are a common denominator throughout that landscape of dysfunction known as your own relationship life?  If your tribe are more like you in a negative way, nobody would notice this fact.  Why would they?  So long as we surround ourselves with people who enable us in our dysfunction rather than challenge us to elevate ourselves to a higher standard of functioning, we won't do it!  We just won't!  But we will figure out when it's time to leave when things become miserable enough.  For those who don't leave, that's another issue for another post.

When you are a problem, you might want to ask yourself what you keep doing and why to merely survive, rather than thrive, in your own daily life.  If you need help with that, well...that's what psychotherapy is for.  Or good support groups, good books, and/or good true people who will tell you the truth about yourself.  

In the meantime, remember this:  proof of bad character means nothing to a bad character!

Until next post....

When Your Marriage is in Trouble (Last Post in a Series)

Stonewalling is the last, but certainly not the least, horseman of the marital apocalypse.  Unlike the other three horsemen, stonewalling is perceived as least offensive because it is more "quiet" in nature.  Yet as we all know, still waters can run very deep.  When it comes to stonewalling, that's one deep you don't want to be rolling in as part of your ongoing marital dynamic...

According to John Gottman, stonewalling is "communication behavior characterized by shutting down, withdrawing, and emotionally disengaging from a conversation or interaction with a partner." Metaphorically speaking, it is like building and then maintaining a wall that separates you and your partner from fully and mutually understanding each other.  When this occurs, how does anything get solved, resolved, and/or dissolved?  It can't!  The marital relationship inevitably devolves down to one person being in "charge" of decision making more often than the other.  How does that make for a satisfactory and mutually-respectful marital dynamic?  It doesn't.

Why does stonewalling occur?  Generally speaking, it happens because the one partner who stonewalls is physiologically "flooded" with varying uncomfortable feelings and body sensations that overwhelms him/her/them.  This, I should point out, is when the stonewaller is not personality and/or mood disorderd to begin with!  When a person is disordered, stonewalling can be an effective tool to maintain control over his/her/their "targeted" person.   But I'm not going to address that in today's post.  In the majority of stonewalling situations, it is a highly anxious enough nature and the inability to cope with change which drives this behavior.  Stonewallers struggle with anxiety.  Some are self-aware about their own history with imagined fear(s) and worry;  others, not so much.  Stonewalling as a behavioral pattern somewhat screams to others:  "I'm just too anxious and I can't take it anymore!"  

Stonewalling can happen at any point during an interaction or conversation.  I, myself, have had clients shut down as soon as a certain topic is mentioned, let alone discussed.  So it can be like that with stonewalling.  The body can instantly react to external verbal stimuli with the same intensity as though the room just caught on fire.  No kidding.  Unless you can relate to this, you can't.  I know when working with my clients, some found that taking a low dose beta blocker (no kidding!) helped in preventing the dump of adrenaline into one's system when "triggered" by the words or actions of another person.  Of course, being seen and evaluted by your primary care physician and/or psychiatrist is absolutely necessary before you run out to order a beta blocker online.

Stonewalling shuts down any opportunities to clearly understand your partner...and for your partner to clearly understand you.  As an aside, if the content of your discussions on topics A, B, or C seem to merely go round and round in circles---I don't wonder how or why stonewalling becomes a comfortably familiar coping tool.  On the other hand, are you trying to discuss subject matter you don't have any control over changing to begin with?  I have found this is a common trap many couples fall into with each other.  "How do we get our son/daughter/in-law/grandchild to......"  Forget it.  You don't have the power to "make" anybody change the way you want them to change.  You can encourage them if they ask for your input specifically.  You can offer emotional support (like a shoulder to cry on and/or a listening ear).  And you can perhaps help motivate by functioning as your own best example.  Beyond that however, you don't have power to change anybody or anything but yourself.  End of.

As such, when one partner is gung ho on "What are we going to do about our nasty son-in-law?" to his wife....if she's stonewalling on this issue, I don't wonder why.  She may already know there isn't anything that can be done about their nasty son-in-law other than set firm boundaries and/or encourage, support, and possibly motivate proper action when asked to "help".  That's it.  Stonewalling often get resolved in these instances when the couple involved can agree on what their genuine options are---and are not!

When stonewalling becomes a lifestyle, it becomes important to understand that it is much like contempt in that it disrespects and dismisses the input(s) being presented to one or the other partner.  Who welcomes being treated like whatever they have to say or share with their partner does not matter?  That would be no one at all, that's who!

For the person engaging in the stonewalling, trying to get themselves back to baseline mentally, emotionally, and/or physically is their goal.  For the person on the receiving end of stonewalling, he/she/they are merely asking to be understood so that successful negotiation and compromise can be brokered if the topic under discussion requires it.  It's a lose-lose proposition when one party keeps shutting down the other in the name of personal "comfort" and "safety" for lack of a better way of putting it!  For the party on the receiving end of stonewalling behavior, it feels like "anything" that is brought up is going to be shut down if it isn't light and superficial enough in nature!  Eek!

Needless to say, shutting down, withdrawing, and disengaging from effective communication is not a strategy that keeps couples together and feeling connected emotionally, spiritually, and/or physically speaking.  

For real help on conquering any one or more horsemen of the marital apocalypse in your own marriage, you know who to call.  Oh yes, that would be me.  ;-)

Until next post....

When Your Marriage is in Trouble (Part IV in a Series)...

Contempt is the third horseman of the marital apocalypse according to Dr. John Gottman, renowned clinical psychologist and expert on divorce prediction, marital stability, and relationship counseling.

According to Gottman, contempt is the arrogant disregard, dismissal, and denigration of another's concerns.  In his over four decades of research, Gottman states that contempt is the #1 predictor of divorce.  He adds that it is the most destructive negative behavior in relationships.  Put another way, contempt is when we feel deep disdain and disrespect for someone to the point of despising even that which the other person holds as sacred.  Talk about really "hating" on someone and all that they care most deeply about to an extreme level!  Contempt cuts to the core of its targeted person's identity by communicating the following:  "You disgust me.  You are less than zero.  I absolutely hate everything about you and anything you care about!"  Yikes!  That's about as low as anyone can go in the context of our relational dynamics with each other as human beings.

The irony here is that contempt is rarely discussed openly between two individuals whose marriage is genuinely in trouble.  We know how to show it to each other with our sarcasm, name calling, scoffing, eye-rolling, harsh judgements, and never-ending accusations....but we rarely connect these destructive behaviors as arising out of a deep contempt for our partner.  To be on the receiving end of someone's contempt often feels like a terrible mashup of feelings involving confusion, hurt, shame, anger, and guilt.  We don't understand what we did to elicit such deep disrespect, yet we keep accepting it anyway.  Which translates, of course, to taking it and hoping things will get better "one day".  One day typically meaning when our offensive partner...you name it.  Gets that job she's been working so hard for....when his ex wife stops receiving alimony in three months' time....when her father finally agrees to go into assisted living...when he quits drinking....blah blah blah.  We all have our excuses to justify and/or minimize the abusive behaviors of others.  That's our nature too.

I am reminded in this moment of a married couple I knew whose husband had a major chip on his shoulder.  Not just for weeks or months, but for years.  He had always been very quick to make a snarky remark about most anything to anybody, and typically at someone else's expense. Beyond the obvious disdain for his wife and adult children, his contempt was also generalized in nature.  He literally functioned as his own On High Judge, Jury, and Executioner of All Humanity.  He was especially hard on anyone who had a faith-based world view.  "If you believe in fairy tales, why not pray to your magic daddy to make your life all better!" On one of the few occassions where I actually got to ask him "What happened to you?", he actually was not offended by my question.  He launched into telling me about his biological father impregnating his biological mother at fifteen years old and then abandoning the girl completely for nearly two decades afterwards.  When this guy reconnected with his dad after being promised a stake in the "family business", he found himself laboring like a mule for the next few years and ending up with nothing but the memories of how badly his father had treated him.  Yes, it was a very tragic narrative and one I wouldn't wish on anybody.  However, did this man learn from his extremely difficult relationships with both of his parents?  No, he did not.  He merely passed it on to his wives and children (because you know there was more than one wife in this man's marital history)....

Is or was this man redeemable?  Yes, anyone is redeemable.  It's a matter of whether or not a person wants and is willing to do his/her/their work to actually live in peace and not in pieces anymore.  Nobody is perfect.  That is a fact.  Yet how sick are we when we dish out emotional abuse like a semi-automatic weapon....and/or keeping standing in the line of that fire like that's o.k. too?  It's not o.k.  It is very bad and nobody gets transformed into a better human as a result of all this abuse/sacrificial lamb relationship dynamic!

Grant it, I've worked with the couples who might as well join the MMA and do their thing inside a cage instead of inside their marital home.  Not everyone functions as a sacrifical lamb when the couple has trained each other over time to hate each other with more passion than they ever believed they were capable of doing!

Which reminds me of another couple I knew from the way back....

In the end, contempt doesn't have to represent an ongoing relational dynamic present in anyone's marriage.  Is it present in yours now?  If so, maybe it is time for you to get started on your work in releasing yourself from this bondage that keeps you locked in to your status as a perpetrator of such abuse, a victim of such abuse, or a combination of the two.

Until next post....

Stop & Think...Not Stop and Squawk!

Sorry for the interruption in my series on "When Your Marriage is in Trouble".  I had an incident come up the other day, and it inspired me to write this post for those struggling in high-conflict marital situations.  I promise next post, we will return to our discussion by presenting "Contempt" as the third horseman of the marital apocalypse....

The other day, I received an unsolicted email from someone I do not know and have had no previous contact with.  I have a feeling I was sent this email along with several other psychotherapists who are easily found online.  In it, the person presented all the reasons why his "ex" is a horrible person unworthy of parenting their shared minor children.  He also recounted several incidents where, as the saying goes, she got away with it while he got the shaft.

Since this email was quite long and involved, I already knew that few receiving it would even bother to respond.  That's just how it is.  Unless the provider is being paid for his/her/their time, don't expect a response.   

Me being me, I thought I would at least respond with the standard and logical considerations anyone in his boat was free to pursue.  As I wrote to him and as I state here now, any high-conflict marital relationship involving minor children DO damage those same children in ways so easily ignored or minimized by the parent(s).  As such, I encouraged continued and/or initiating contact with appropriate professionals who are in the position to protect the best interests of the children while, at the same time, offering support services to them and each parent.  

After I sent the email, I did not expect a response.  I had hoped he would read it and take my input to heart.

Nope.  Of course not.  Instead, I got an email response the next day that did not at all acknowledge anything I had written.  Instead, he went on another long-winded rant about how bad his ex is and how great he is as their children's father.  

My curiosity got the best of me and I looked him up online.  All I can say is when I google your name and your mug shots pop up right away, your credibility just went out my window.

I didn't respond.  Stick a fork in me and I was done.

So what was the point of sharing this with you now?  Can you see how easy it is to get all caught up in being right or "having" to be right when our emotions are running and potentially ruining our ability to think straight?  Do you see how what's right (for the minor children in this case) can get so easily forgotten when it's all about hating on "the ex"?  Ultimately, we each have to stop and think before we act...regarding basically every issue/problem/opportunity we face while we are here.  When we act first...and think last, we set ourselves up for catastrophic outcomes.  Never forget that minor children grow up to be free-thinking adults.  Whatever you sowed, you will reap!

Squawking about what grinds us is fine when we are relying on trusted friends and confidantes to listen  and then encourage appropriate action when we are at our worst.  Yet when the squawking becomes a lifestyle as if to say "Who is going to rescue, save, and fix me NOW because I want it NOW!"....this isn't good.  In fact, it's very messed up!

Nobody owes you or me or anybody else a "better" life because we picked who we picked to make children with.  That's on you for your kids.  That's on me for my kids.  If things went upside down with your chosen partner, don't make your child(ren) pay for your mistakes the rest of their lives!  Just saying it now I feel like I am preaching to a common choir reading this!  Anybody here a child of divorce?  How did  YOU feel if your parents were at each other's throats back then---and/or perhaps still are to this very day?  I mean COME ON!  At what point do we realize that practicing genuine emotional maturity is the only key to freeing oneself from a toxic relational dynamic as we practice reframing our OWN responses to whatever it is that is being thrown in our direction.

I felt so sorry for those children when I read this man's response to my email.  He's clueless.  I am not kidding.  Completely clueless.  I can only pray he can move out of his own head and stop believing he's the only one who knows what's best for his children.  He doesn't.  The way he went on, he made their mother sound like Medusa.  Well, if she genuinely is Medusa, he picked her to make their kids with, so what does that make him?  God help the next female he sets his sights on....

See what I mean?  Someone's got to change for the better.  Might as well be ourselves when we're already standing eyeball high in the muck that represents our own past history of poor relationship choice after poor relationship choice ad nauseum!

Shout out to all the unsuspecting "objects of desire" out there who can't believe their luck in having just met their "soul mate" "dreamboat" "perfect woman" "perfect hunk of burning love" blah blah blah.  If he/she/they have small kids and a history like this one who wrote me that email---you better RUN FORREST RUN!  Some men and some women really DO just want a replacement parent to raise their kids for them.  I've seen it.  You've probably seen it too.  If you want to raise someone else's children, you may be better off changing careers and becoming a nanny/manny so at least you can pursue your own life after working hours.  Just a reminder...

Until next post...