Empathy Gone Sideways...

Empathy is a wonderful engine.  However, boundaries are the steering wheel.  Without both, you eventually crash.  Today's blog post is about understanding pathological empathy aka "hyperempathy", "toxic empathy", "compassion fatigue", and "emotional enmeshment".  Get your seatbelts on.  This will be a ride you are not likely to forget.

Most of us have been taught that empathy is always a good thing.  Be kind.  Be understanding.  Put yourself in their shoes.  Care deeply.  These are certainly valuable qualities.  However, there is a difference between caring and carrying.  There always has been.

Empathy can stop being healthy and start becoming harmful when they lead to this basic problem:  caring so much about another person's feelings that you lose track of your own.

Healthy empathy connects you with another person who is hurting.  It does not consume you.  When you are practicing healthy empathy, it says things like:

"I understand you are hurting."  "I care about you."  "I am willing to help you with that."  

Yet, healthy empathy also says:  "Your emotions belong to you."  "My emotions belong to me."  "I cannot live your life for you."  "I cannot make your decisions for you."

Toxic empathy, on the other hand, can start out innocently enough.  You notice someone is suffering and you want to help him/her/them.  Then gradually:

    .    You become preoccupied with their problem(s)

    .    Their mood determines your mood

    .    You begin to feel responsible for fixing them

    .    You spend increasing amounts of time rescuing them

    .    Your own needs begin disappearing

Eventually, the relationship revolves around their distress and your response(s) to it.  That is no longer empathy.  That is emotional over-investment.

Some people are good at recognizing the distinction between healthy and toxic empathy.  Repeatedly giving money to him/her/them, solving their crises, fixing their mistakes, absorbing their personal responsibilities—these are examples of toxic empathy.  You do not exist to constantly rescue people from the consequences of their own actions.  

This is, sadly, a common mistake of highly successful "parents" who are then finding themselves enmeshed with an under-responsible adult child (or children) who expect their own brand of save/fix/rescue handouts on demand.

For the hyperempathic "giver" in this type of situation, you are going to feel exhausted by the relationship with your adult son/daughter/grandchild/their family system.  You feel drained, overwhelmed, anxious, and emotionally depleted.  Yet you continue giving.  You confuse helping with loving.  You believe that love requires toxic levels of sacrifice, self-denial, and/or endless availability.

Many highly empathic people learned early in life that their value came from taking care of others.  Perhaps he/she/they learned to:

    .    Keep the peace

    .    Manage parental emotions

    .    Support an addicted family member

    .    Attend to unpredictable caregivers

    .    Become the "responsible" one in the family

Over time, helping became part of their self-identity.  Their self-worth became tied to being needed.

And then they wonder how they get addicted to their need to be needed over time?  Uh, not a big stretch there when you think about it!  

People stuck in toxic empathy often unconsciously ask themselves, "Who needs me?" rather than "Who is healthy enough for me?"

As a result, they frequently find themselves attracted to:  chronic victims, crisis-driven people, emotionally unstable partners, highly dependent friends, and people who refuse responsibility.

Not because they enjoy suffering, but because being "needed" feels meaningful.

The hidden cost of being excessively empathic produces anxiety, burnout, resentment, depression, emotional exhaustion, physical health problems, lost friendships, and loss of personal identity.  

The helper becomes so focused on another person's life that they abandon their own life in the process.

Empathy says:  "I feel your pain."  Which is very different from Compassion which says:  "I see your pain, care about it, and remain grounded."

Know the difference.

Empathy jumps into that hole in the sidewalk.  Compassion throws a rope.  Compassion helps without jumping into that hole with you.

Your life is your responsibility.  Compassion, boundaries, and reality allows you to engage in healthy caring without carrying the burden of someone else's life on your own shoulders.

Until next post...

"More people would..."

I was cleaning out a desk drawer yesterday and came across this piece of paper I had tucked away with a printed (copied) quotation on it.  It said, "More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them."  

No kidding.

Speaking of quotes, I just published my first book to do with quips and quotes I have created after nearly 25 years in practice as a mental health clinician.  It came out earlier this month (August 2026) and it's called Resilience:  Quips & Quotes to Change Your Life One Truth at a Time.  It's available for purchase in either Kindle e-book or paperback formats through Amazon.com.  I wrote it because people are often challenged by remembering truths presented as part of any general conversation.  Let's take the difference between genuine fear and anxiety for an example.  It's one thing to say:  "Genuine fear is when you are at risk of imminent life-or-death danger, given the immediate circumstances.  Anxiety is when you imagine "what if" that terrible thing is going to happen and then worry about it."  In my book, I put it this way:  "Genuine fear is when your pants catch fire;  anxiety is when you worry about them because they're your favorite pair."  On healing, "Healing is when you realize you were never too much, you were merely surrounded by people who preferred less."  Like that.

I have categorized my quips and quotes into sections by topic:  Fear & Anxiety, Pain & Suffering, Courage & Change, Control & Surrender, Hope & Healing, Gratitude & Grace, and The "G" Word:  God.  This is the first book in my series on Resilience and resilience-based living.  My second book Living Between the Fault Lines  Poetry Then.  Wisdom Now. (1996-2026) will be available sometime before mid-September, 2026.  That book presents seventeen poems I wrote when I was 40 years old and believing my healing and recovery work was all "behind" me.  How mistaken I was.  I found those poems 30 years later as I was cleaning out my office.  Since becoming an LLP Psychologist in 2003, re-reading those poems made me realize how much further I had come in my healing as a lifelong "work in progress".  My insights appear in the book next to each poem, along with more of my "Mary sayings" to introduce each poem and the lesson(s) learned from them since 1996.  I hope you will consider checking it out as well once published.

So, back to the front here about why living in the truth is so important for all of us.  

Many of us grow up fearing truth.  That's it.  Plain and simply stated.  When we get in "more" trouble for telling the truth than we do for lying about it, do you have to wonder why we deny so much while we are here living life on Planet Psych Unit?  I don't.  Going back to my opening (and borrowed) quotation about mistakes and denying them;  of course it's easier to deny what we would rather not face and then work to solve ourselves!  That's true for anyone and everyone.

As any adult child of an alcoholic will tell you, life is very hard being raised in an alcoholic household when everyone in the family has to walk on eggshells to make certain the alcoholic either (1) remains in the background of everyone's life within the family, (2) is "watched" and/or "protected" to ensure he/she/they don't say or do anything that could impact the family name/image/reputation in a negative manner, (3) is treated like royalty so as to hope he/she/they will remain "stable" (whatever that means!) often enough, and/or (4) doesn't die/kill/seriously injure someone else as a result of his/her/their drunken antics.  Double that when physical and/or sexual abuse is part of that package involving the other partner/parent and/or their child(ren).  I didn't mention verbal and emotional abuse just now because it's already going to be present when being raised by and/or exposed to an alcoholic adult on a regular-enough basis as a child.

What a way to live, right?  But millions have anyway.  When the children grow up, they are left with some major choices:  don't ever indulge in alcohol and/or drugs, drugs o.k., but no alcohol, don't "be" with anyone who drinks or does drugs, and/or drugs are o.k., but no alcohol.  There is another choice.  Repeat the pattern without realizing you're repeating the pattern, and then find someone else who is just like you—or only does drugs and doesn't drink—or who lives a clean and sober lifestyle.  

So—more people really would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them.

End of.

Until next post..

Yes, I created the artwork for the cover. (Acrylic pour painting) ;-)

  

Kidz and Anxiety (Back to School Preparedness)

August is always an interesting month for me;  it's when I get lots of phone calls from parents with highly anxious kids.  If you think about it, once a child knows school is starting back up "soon"—it's no wonder (at least to me!) why their anxiety ramps up.  Today's post is about having a chat regarding that uptick in your child(ren)'s anxiety before school resumes as and when it does.

First we need to get it straight about what anxiety actually is.  It is "imagined" fear.  Not legitimate life-or-death fear.  Imagined.  That means that whatever fear(s) your child(ren) articulate(s)—it's YOUR job as a parent and/or primary caregiver to understand whether or not that fear is legitimate in nature or not.  On top of that, "imagined" fear plus worry combined is what anxiety actually is.  I mean it's one thing to have a wild dog start chasing you down your street (legitimate fear); it's another thing entirely when you worry about a wild dog coming out of nowhere and chasing you down the street.  

For example, "I don't want to go back to school!  Billy's there!  He hates me!"  O.k.  Do you know who Billy actually is?  Do you and/or your child have a history with "Billy"?  If so, what is that history?  Has Billy actively bullied, physically assaulted, and/or otherwise abused your child either before, during, or after school?  This all may seem ridiculous if you are reading this and saying to yourself, "My kid thinks everybody hates her because she's highly sensitive."  Listen.  To.  Me.  And....??  Don't you see the need to genuinely understand what your child is thinking and believing to be true about (in this case!) her relationship (be it real or imagined!) with "Billy"?  If you don't,  you're a negligent parent.  How about that?

To minimize, to dismiss, to ignore, and/or to mock whatever is going on inside your child's mind IS, in fact, a form of child abuse.  At least it is in my book after seventy years of life and twenty-three years as a practicing LLP psychologist.  Your child isn't highly anxious "now" because it's Friday and 10:30 a.m. EST.  Your child is anxious because FEAR is taking over when it shouldn't be.  So there's that.  Whether that fear is legitimate in nature or not has yet to be determined, but at the very least please discuss to understand what your child is thinking and believing about the source(s) of their anxiety puleeze!

So before you call someone like me to work with your child, there IS work you can do to (1) best understand what your child is experiencing which is causing their real or imagined fear-based reality, and (2) communicate that understanding to them so your child understands that you understand.  That's pretty much the first steps you need to take before anything else.  Got that?  Good!

So, getting back to our example:  you've asked your child all the questions you can think of about "Billy" if you don't know Billy;  if you do know Billy, you can ask whatever other questions of your child because you both "know" who Billy actually is.  So—let's say you conclude from all your child's responses that Billy is engaging in passive-aggressive behavior involving your kid both before and after school.  She sees him in the school bus and he starts making disturbing noises when she walks into the bus, which makes the whole busload of kids start laughing.  She tries to sit as far away from him as she can, but sometimes she can't avoid him being "close" to where she is sitting.  When that happens, he will do things like knock whatever is in her lap off of her lap.  Or he might start making other noises like an animal or a dog while he's looking right at her.  By the time your child gets off the bus, she's already highly anxious and worried about what Billy might do before they both reach the front door of the school. 

Even if that is "all" you can get out of your child about Billy—you are at least "now" in a position to problem solve with her about how to manage this "Billy" issue by empowering her with alternate strategies she can choose from to practice.  

I know for many of you reading this, the content here will seem like taking a class in Common Sense 101, but believe me, it's "not" about that for many parents. They are just too busy and distracted and/or otherwise engaged to achieve this level of mutual understanding with their child and "exactly" what the situations and circumstances are which led to an increase in their child's anxiety.

Without getting into any more excruciating detail, any real life and right now problems have the power to be solved, resolved, and/or dissolved once a child's parent(s) takes appropriate action to intervene and block further incidences of bullying, whether they be covert or overt in nature.  When kids feel empowered by speaking out and telling the truth about what they are going through, and then look to you, as their parent(s) help them navigate their solution(s) to the problem—it usually ends in a win outcome all the way around.

I remember one twelve year old boy I saw many years ago whose father was shuttling himself back and forth between their residence and his family of origin's "home" in a foreign country.  The boy was struggling with feelings of abandonment, while his older sister was being regaled by their mother and other female relatives here in MI as the Second Coming of All Things Bright and Beautiful.  This boy was highly anxious and did not feel like his mother, sister, aunts, and grandmother had his back.  And to tell you the truth, they didn't.  He was not what any of them expected him to be.  He was too chubby, too clumsy, too contrary...amongst other things.  

After seeing him a handful of times, I met with his mother.  She basically informed me that she didn't want a son;  she had hoped for only girls.  And now that she suspected her husband of cheating on her when he was out of the country, she really had an axe to grind with all persons "male".  As you might imagine, this boy was basically functioning as the sacrificial lamb in a set up he could never have imagined or understand.  His parents eventually divorced and his father chose to stay in their native country.  That boy is close to thirty years old now.  I can only pray he figured out what he needed to in understanding "he" had nothing to do with the dysfunction that so profoundly affected him.  When we still believe (the lie) that "we" caused the trouble present within our families of origin, we throw ourselves under the bus and our anxiety becomes even more unmanageable and intensely chronic over time.  

And how sad is that?

I am not of the persuasion that in order to teach kids how to swim, all you gotta do is throw them into the deep end of the pool.  Then watch what happens live.  Too many parents emulate this philosophy and then wonder why their child(ren) grow up to be incompetent, insecure, and intensely anxious. 

Time to get a clue.  Instead of sending your kid to me for help, how about YOU come see me for help.  I haven't been proven wrong yet.  Just sayin'.

Can You Turn "On" Your Own Inner Switch? (Emotional Regulation vs. Emotional Dysregulation 101)

We all know what it feels like to suddenly experience unwanted and unwelcome feelings out of left field.  The typical "big six" negative emotions we feel are as follows:  HURT ANGRY LONELY GUILTY ASHAMED and CONFUSED.  Of course there are a whole lot of negative emotions/feelings we also experience such as BORED AFRAID OVERWHELMED ABANDONED INSECURE INCOMPETENT SAD...and so many others....

When we feel "bad" like that, it's like a switch inside of ourselves turns "off" instantly.  Instead of feeling neutral...or good...or fantastic...we start spiraling downward emotionally speaking.  We may have no idea why, but it is what it is.  Whatever we felt a minute ago, or a half hour ago, or even all this past week...it's different now.  We feel bad and it seems to be taking over us mind, body, and soul....

So now what?

For the vast majority of us, when this type of thing occurs often enough---we do what seems obvious to us in those moments:  we look to people, places, and things OUTSIDE OF OURSELVES (EXTERNAL SOURCES!) to instantly make us feel better.  Call it rescuing us...call it providing us with instant relief...we want to feel better "fast" and that's all there is to it.  So we do what we do.  We text the sh** out of our best friend or partner or sibling or adult child or sponsor.  Or perhaps we just take a walk down the street to the nearest bar.  We might light up a blunt.  We may go eat a piece of cake.  Or...we might hit up the casino online or live and in person.  These are just some of the ways we like to turn our inner switch back "on" when it goes "off" and we don't understand (or don't want to understand!) why...

And as those are some "harmful" examples of what we are capable of doing to ourselves and/or to others (who wants their phone blown up by some "drama" outside of their own I ask you...and by the same person repeatedly oh by the way!).....there ARE other things we can choose to do that are more HELPFUL to us and to others.  Yes, it's true.  Instead of living our whole lives looking for some other person, substance, or process to rescue us from our negative emotions by flipping our inner switch "on" for us (so we feel "ok" again!)...we do our own work to learn how to flip our inner switch ON by ourselves!

Let's look at the damage we do when we fixate on a certain person, or a certain number of people we know and trust, to "rescue" us when we feel emotionally dysregulated (hurt, angry, lonely, et al).  First, any person external to ourselves who provides us with "instant rescuing" or "instant relief" from our bad feelings---we are USING them to make ourselves feel better fast.  Did you read me?  We are exploiting people to do something for us that we are perfectly capable of doing ourselves, but we would rather not (do it ourselves)!  Seeking rescue and relief is NOT love.  That's the first thing.  It's codependency in action.  Secondly, the "intensity" you feel when you suddenly feel emotionally regulated again (going from feeling SO BAD to feeling MUCH BETTER!)...that all translates to this:  Intensity is NOT Intimacy!  That adrenaline drop inside your body feels like intimacy/a "good" connection...but it's really just emotional regulation (your inner switch got turned "on" again by that person you chose to do it).  Lastly, rescuing is NOT Supporting someone through a difficult time.  Rescuing is "I will do this for you because you can't!".  Supporting is "I know you can do this and I'm here for you in that way."  Supporting is NOT rescuing.  Instead of expecting your mom or your boyfriend/girlfriend to save, fix, and rescue you by switching on your inner switch for you---he/she/they can ENCOURAGE your own ability to turn on your inner switch without becoming or serving as your own personal life-support option/system.

...and you wonder why people leave or have left you and you really didn't fully understand why?  Maybe what you just got done reading is the "why" (?)  Just a reminder....

High maintenance people are typically highly codependent and highly in denial about their own ability to emotionally regulate themselves when they feel "all the feels" of bad/negative/toxic emotions.  As such, they can come across to others as very "needy", "moody", "manipulative", "unpredictable", "incompetent", "impulsive"...and a whole lot of other descriptors.

Low maintenance people are typically highly codependent as well and highly in denial about their own addiction of "needing to be needed" by others!  How about that?  They get others to turn on their own inner switch by deep diving into other people's drama/problems/dilemmas.  They fixate on the problems of others in order to genuinely distract themselves away from their own bad/negative/toxic emotions generally speaking.  As such, they can come across to others as very "generous", "would take the shirt of his/her/their back for someone in need", "caring", "selfless", "like a saint", "a true giver",...and a whole lot of other descriptors.

If today's post rings any bells or alarms for you, maybe it is time to call someone who can help you.  Like me...or anyone else licensed and experienced with this type of issue.  In the meantime...

..until next post.

Quotes to Ponder...

Every so often, I will dedicate a post to various quotes that are meaningful both to myself---and to the clients of my practice both past and present.  Here is my latest batch;  hope you will find those that most resonate with you---and consider writing each down on a post-it note and displaying it where you can see/access it when you need to:

"There is nothing quite so tragic as a young cynic, because it means the person has gone from knowing nothing to believing nothing."

"Darkness cannot drive our darkness;  only light can do that."

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."

"Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage, you can't practice any other virtue consistently."

"No one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of another."

"And the devil whispered, "You can't withstand the storm."  I whispered back, "You clearly don't know who you 're talking to."

"Make time for the quiet moments, as God whispers and the world is loud."

"Be the kind of person  your demons run from."

"The truth is like the sun.  You can shut it out for a time, but it ain't goin' away."

"Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored."

"The further a society drifts from the truth, the more it will hate those who speak it."

"If nothing is true, everything is permitted."

"Everyone gets to choose how much truth they can stand."

"Truth is not determined by majority vote."

"Objective reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away."

"You can ignore reality, but you can't ignore the consequences of ignoring reality."

"Common sense is not a gift.  It is a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it."

"The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubt, while the stupid ones are full of confidence."

"The truth doesn't mind being questioned.  A lie does."

"We've now sunk to a depth where restating the obvious is the first duty of intelligent people."

"People will believe anything if it lets them avoid thinking."

"The truth is still the truth even if no one believes it.  A lie is still a lie even if everyone believes it."

"If nothing changes, nothing changes."

"If you lie down with the dogs, you will catch their fleas."

"Your vibe is your tribe.  Choose wisely."

"Always tell the truth.  Then you don't have to remember what you said."

"Codependency is to relationships what ticks are to humans.  Recognize the dynamic.  Decline participation.  Remove yourself."

"Codependency is setting yourself on fire in case your person feels cold."

"Codependency is like you are drowning, but someone else's life is flashing before your eyes."

"Codependency teaches that people addiction only works when the two parties involved are "equally" enough addicted to each other--and in only good ways.  Good luck with that sh**!"

"Addiction is the radical escape from reality .  Sobriety is the radical return to it (reality)."

"To lie is to recoil from relationship.  You have no desire to honestly understand another person, and you certainly have no desire to be honestly understood by another person."

Until next post...

Negative Triggers Are Our Lessons....

When we get triggered in a negative way by something we see, hear, smell, taste, touch, and/or feel instantly angry, scared, or confused about when we experience "it" (whatever "it" is!)...there's a lesson there waiting for us to notice.

Think about it.  Some people will never ever be triggered in a negative way about lots of things:  flying in an airplane...seeing spiders....feeling sick....hearing about a house fire....smelling something rancid....petting a German Shepherd....etc. etc.  And yet, there are those who are being negatively triggered right now by just reading what I wrote here.  

That's how it is when we are triggered in an unwanted and unwelcome manner by something or someone's actions that is happening right now---or just happened a few moments ago.

So, what's the lesson(s) when we get triggered like that?

One lesson that is obvious (at least to me!) is that we have to remain grounded and present as we experience each and every day of our lives in spite of whatever happened to us in our own messy and traumatic past history.  If we don't, we will end up believing ourselves when we tell ourselves "I can't fly in planes!"  "I don't do crowds!"  "I can't leave my house!" "I can't live without my 7-Oh shot every day!"  "I always end up being fired!" etc. etc.

It's not our life that overwhelms us, it is our thoughts about our life that overwhelms us.  Fact.

Negative triggers are our lessons.  

For example...I get many blind inquiries for therapeutic assistance from people through a popular online source.  This means that a prospective client of my practice will contact me via email.  Which is fine.  When things transition to contacting me via text (because I have provided him/her/them with the number to call/text me at)...I am more mindful of our interaction(s) because we have both taken the next steps towards working together....

The other day, a person contacted me via text about working together.  Through our text chat, it became clear to me after a few interactions that this person was having a difficult time respecting my own boundaries to do with the way I do business.  There were also some unsolicited comments directed at me which were, in fact, both rude and inappropriate.  I suggested that the person find someone else to work with and, in turn, learned my lesson (once again!) about this "type" of prospective client.  Regardless of the industry you may work in, if someone approaches you to do business with him/her/them---you do NOT have to do business with him/her/them if their "vibe" is rubbing you in a way wrong way.  I wouldn't have cared if this individual had offered to pay me $1,000 a session;  I'd still say "Good luck to you!" and refuse the opportunity to work together.  Some of us believe otherwise...and this is how and why your own "negative triggers" can end you up in a big hot mess if you don't learn your lessons from them.  Just saying...

Another obvious lesson is how we need to keep taking good-enough care of ourselves mind, body, and spirit when we feel ourselves caught up in the loop of looking-but-not-looking for negative triggers whenever we are out and about in the world we inhabit.  This practice can be SO exhausting!  Instead of trying to avoid this that and the other that we already know can and will trigger us, then perhaps it is time to explore our solutions-based options!  

Examples:  Noise sensitivity?  Noise cancelling headphones, ear plugs, or earbuds turned on to your favorite podcaster/music/radio station.  Light sensitive? Sunglasses, progressive lenses, a brimmed hat.  Uncomfortable clothing and shoes?  Companies already exist to serve the needs of tactile/fabric-challenged customers!  In other words, whatever you believe you're "stuck" with having to manage alone and without outside help is just-not-true!  I just ordered on Amazon a variety of  "grounding tools" that help people who struggle with chronic fight-or-flight level anxiety on a daily basis.  There are literally "ouchy" fidget spinners that a person can buy for less than $10 each which are extremely helpful when you need to ground yourself wherever you may be.  At work, at school, at an event, in your own home, etc.  Instead of picking at your cuticles, biting your nails, or doing whatever else to distract yourself away from feeling highly anxious---this type of fidget can work wonders.  I also ordered Warhead super sour popping candy....individually wrapped alcohol swabs (the smell will get you back to "now" real quick!)...and some other items.  There is always a solution to your triggers.  You just have to be aware of what you can do/use to bring you back to here-and-now reality.  

Emotionally speaking, many people struggle with the practice of saying what they mean, mean what they say, not say it mean, and say it on time to the person(s) who need to hear it.

As I mentioned in my last post, when you are instantly feeling angry, frightened, or confused by what someone just said or did in your presence---or to you directly---you have no other choice than to say what you need to say as described above.  If you can't, don't, or won't, then there is no way in Heaven you can call yourself an "assertive" communicator.  You are not.

So, why don't you go ahead and practice this?

Of course, the excuses are innumerable:  "I hate conflict."  "I don't want to hurt their feelings."  "I don't want it to escalate."  "I just clam up and freeze I don't know why." 

Listen to me.  When you say and do the right thing for yourself when this kind of situation arises, you WILL FEEL BETTER once you have assertively said what you needed to say in order to prevent him/her/them from throwing you under any busses.  

And feeling better doesn't mean the kind of better that is temporary in nature;  the feeling better I am speaking of has to do with feeling better about your own confidence in your ability to say what you mean, mean what you say, not say it mean, etc.  By practicing assertive communication in all situations and circumstances, you let others know that you are unafraid to ask questions, ask for clarity, set the record straight, and identify any lies or half truths that are circulating about you--or someone else you love and care about.

And if you are in need of recalibrating your dopamine levels because of past drug and/or alcohol use and/or any process-based addictions you pursue (gambling, sex addiction, shopping, stealing, etc.)....doing what's "right" at all times is one way to boost the activation of your dopamine reserves "naturally".  How about that?

Indeed negative triggers are our lessons that can move us forward in our own lives rather than remaining stuck.  Think about that.

Until next post....

Got Sensitive?

What does it mean to be highly sensitive?  There is a Tubi documentary entitled "Sensitive" which examined what it is like to be a "Highly Sensitive Person" in today's world.  I watched the documentary and found it both interesting and helpful.  In today's post, I'd like to share some insights about high sensitivity and what that means for all of us as members of the same human family...

What does it mean to be highly sensitive?  Just the other day, a dear friend's daughter had her first baby.  Both mom and grandma noticed this brand new beautiful baby doesn't seem to like wearing any clothes.  To snap her first official baby photo, she was put in a sizes-too-big onesie and laid on the bed.  Her tiny foot sticks out between two of the snap closures.  Is this baby already showing signs of being "highly sensitive"?  Time will tell.  

A family member who had her first baby over 30 years ago:  his issue was nonstop crying for his first several months of life.  The only "trick" that worked to calm him was jerry-rigging the top of their clothes dryer and having him "sit" on it in his little makeshift chair when turned on.  Between the warmth and the rhythmic movement....he settled down.  However, his parents couldn't have him ride the clothes dryer every day and night either.  They then switched to rides in the car, which also worked decently enough.  Was this baby boy highly sensitive?  Of course he was.  Turned out that a case of colic was the reason why that baby had such a rough time for the first several months of his life.  You'd be highly sensitive too if every time you swallowed breast milk and/or formula---it ended up killing your insides!

I have had clients over the past 23 years share their various experiences with being "highly sensitive".  "I can feel any pill go down my throat and into my stomach.."  "I can't take most over the counter medications;  they do a horrible number on my gut..."  "Can you turn off the light in here?"  "Can you turn off that fan?"  "Do you mind closing the blinds?"  "Oh, I don't know I obviously wore the wrong sweater here today!  It's scratching me like crazy!"  "What was that?! (unexpected noise)" "The inside of my mouth tastes like metal for some reason..."  "Do you smell that right now?"  etc. etc. etc.

Yep, when it comes to our sensitivities....we all have them, but certainly to varying degrees.  I recall as a young bride asking a friend if they had any dietary restrictions as we had invited she and her husband over for dinner that coming weekend.  Her response still cracks me up to this day:  "Oh, he's o.k. but he won't eat anything green."  Well, thanks for the heads up!   

No two people are going to have the exact same types or degrees of sensitivities.  I can't take penicillin or codeine.  I am allergic to both of these substances.  If I take either, I go into anaphylactic shock.  Who knew?  Well, I found out when I was given Tylenol #3 after getting my wisdom teeth removed and nearly died.  But hey---at least I found out.

If you have noticed, I have focused the discussion so far on physiological-based high sensitivities:  what we see, hear, smell, taste, and touch---and the uncomfortable sensations we feel inside ourselves when triggered.

So what about psychological/emotional-based issues;  how do these affect a person of highly sensitive person status?  High sensitives feel things more deeply;  as the singer Alanis Morissette said in the documentary "Sensitive", her high sensitives are always in the front rows of her concerts and singing every single word right along with Alanis at the tops of their lungs.  In this way, being highly sensitive can represent one heck of a superpower:  more compassion, more empathy, more ability to "read" the room.  Yet highly sensitive people are also able to over-identify with and/or absorb other people's emotions, which can become exhausting over time.  Needless to say, high sensitives require their down time, once their own threshold of people-ing has been reached.  Double that if the highly sensitive person is living within a family/family system where emotional instability and/or volatility is present more often than not.  Perhaps this will help some understand what motivates many kids and teens to prefer spending time ALONE in their bedrooms/basements/garages/outdoors over any other room in the house....

In my work with highly sensitive clients, I have to be mindful that these lovely and caring people are also vulnerable to misinterpreting exchanges of information between us when he/she/they are stressed out/depressed and/or otherwise having an overwhelming kind of day.  This issue is obviously exacerbated when the highly sensitive person has a pre-existing mood and/or personality disorder.  When HSP status is co-morbid with other issues such as ADHD and PTSD, it can be confused with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) to the untrained eye.  In that case, being seen for a full psychiatric evaluation would be recommended....

If you want to explore this topic of the Highly Sensitive Person, there is a book which was written by a psychologist who, herself, wondered about her own high sensitivities and began to research the topic.  Dr. Elaine Aron is the author of "The Highly Sensitive Person" and other books related to HSP status.  Available through most libraries or by ordering for free through www.mel.org---Aron's books will help anyone who is interested in this topic.

Until next post...

Youtube Lessons For All of Us....

I have to say, I didn't know about all of the "body cam" videos that exist these days on Youtube.  Seriously I didn't.  Then I found Sergeant Steve...and Sheriff Lamb...and several others who have channels that primarily focus on body cams which were filmed once police were dispatched "somewhere".  At first I started watching what went on in airports when police are called to assist with unruly individuals who are typically disorderly either on airport property, or inside the plane.  I was inspired to write this post by the fact that over 10,000 incidents at airports have been reported in recent years---and post COVID.  What happened to us?  Why is it suddenly o.k. to behave like entitled brats when it comes to airport etiquette?  Let's take a look....

What I learned from those videos are that people are capable of really making donkey holes out of themselves when they are not getting what they expect or want from airport/airlines personnel.  Double that when someone about to fly is intoxicated and/or mentally ill/emotionally unstable.  I don't know about you, but who seriously believes that he/she/they can just start throwing a tantrum in public---and inside an airport (or airplane!) besides---and achieve their desired outcome?  In case you didn't know, acting up on or inside airport property especially when it leads to the police being called in, is not going to end well generally speaking.  Throwing fits, cursing, refusing to comply to any lawful orders, resisting arrest, and/or touching another person or child with or without violence....these are NOT the things you want to be doing---let alone once the police show up.  

Also, did you know that the airlines CAN refuse service to anyone they choose without having to "explain" any specific reason(s) why to the offender?  This includes airline personnel and/or the captain of the plane that said offender was scheduled to board---or already boarded.  Whatever you thought about the way life works "at the airport", think again.  You may also be banned from using the airport (or all airports!) for a year...or even for a lifetime...when you don't know how to be-have on airport property.

And yet.....

I wonder what makes anyone believe that anything to do with one-on-one police interaction at the airport is a "negotiable" circumstance?  The airport operates like a business.  It can refuse anyone service just like any other business in this country is free to do.  Shout out to all the donkey hole narcissists among us who really do believe he/she/they are in a one-up position when compared to airport/airlines personnel and/or law enforcement.  Get real.  It doesn't matter if you are a judge, your daddy is a judge, your mother is a police officer, etc. etc.  If you react to airline personnel/law enforcement badly, your outcome will not be in line with your original expectations.  End of.  Watch the videos.  You'll see what I mean.

I remember when we were coming back from Maui some years ago, and our flight home included a stop in Atlanta.  Neither one of us had ever flown through Atlanta before, but we knew we might have a problem because of a lengthy delay in Maui before we even left Kahului.  Once we arrived in Atlanta, we were told that our plane already left for Detroit and there were no flights available back to Detroit for several hours.  We were both shattered from the flight (10 hours I believe)...and I just started to cry at the gate.  By some miracle of God, the agent behind the counter took pity on me and got us a flight that went to Buffalo and then Detroit.  Even though the kid behind me on that flight to Buffalo kicked the crap out of my seat all the way there---I remained grateful.  I didn't even know about "all of this" regarding airport drama at that time...but I certainly knew that throwing a fit wasn't going to solve our problem!

Stop!  Think!  Act!  That's what we are supposed to do whenever faced with something we'd rather not face.  Had I thrown a fit and starting yelling and screaming when facing that gate agent in Atlanta, I am 100% sure she wouldn't have found that flight for us to Detroit via Buffalo.  Just sayin'.  

Be kind...no matter what and whatever you may have to go through.  This is a fundamental lesson for all of us, besides what we can watch on Youtube of course.

If you have an issue with emotional regulation under stress or duress, there's help for that.  Especially if you tend to do that whenever you have a buzz going on.  When life gets or already is hard for you, YOU have to change!

Until next post...

Breaking Bad (Part II in a series)

People who suffer and struggle throughout life are most typically caught up in a loop of patterned thoughts, feelings, and behaviors they don't fully understand.  Of course it's easy to do if you are otherwise uninitiated to what factors contribute to thinking "bad", feeling "bad", and doing "bad" whenever we are so compelled.  As presented in my last post, fear/shame/guilt/dread/avoidance are what comprise the inner life of a suffering and struggling individual.  People who allow these thoughts and feelings to run them will find that they are easily enough ruined as well over time.  

How we get ruined over time is that we live in a lot of expectation, disappointment, anger, rage, resentment, and bitterness over what we believe "should" happen in any given significant-enough moment---but hasn't happened.  That's our "go to" mentality when we let that fear/dread/avoidance loop control our thought life.  I could throw paranoia in there as well, because plenty of folks with undiagnosed and untreated mood and thought disorders definitely become paranoid when things don't go their way "enough" for however long they have been monitoring such in their own life....

It'd be one thing if we just thought "bad" and felt "bad", but still focused always on doing the "right" thing.  Yet it doesn't work that way.  We hurt people because we have been hurt.  We say and do bad, wrong, and yes at times evil things to one or more others.  And we of course forget about what we say or do that is bad, wrong, or evil because we can.  If I had even a dime for everyone I've seen in 23 years of practice who has said "I don't remember" when being confronted by something they said or did that was traumatic and/or significantly harmful to another human being, I'd be rich for real....

Breaking bad in your own life really begins by being aware of what you think, feel, and do right now that keeps you "stuck" in your own messy and complex past history.  When we are or get stuck, we find it pretty near impossible to change.  But as Dr. Nicole Labor, an Addiction Medicine specialist out of Ohio has said...there are just three things we have to do in order to change our life in a positive direction over time.  

First, we need to interrupt the thought(s) and/or feeling(s) we are having to say, do, or pursue the wrong action(s) we are being tempted by.  In her example, she is speaking of addictive substances or processes.  In my post here, I am talking about "anything" that makes you want to do what's "bad" to yourself and/or to others just so you can feel better momentarily.

Interrupting yourself isn't rocket science.  You can breathe slower and more deeply for 60 seconds and that counts as a "pause" moment.  Then what you do after the pause, depending on who you are and what works for you, you find that "thing" and do that instead.  Listen to your favorite song(s), watch something that makes you laugh out loud, go outside and start walking in nature, attend a group meeting, read something that interests you online, start coloring in your adult coloring book, call a friend, make something new and healthy in your kitchen, pick up your knitting, go to the gym...whatever "it" is you do to interrupt yourself without harm attached---go do that thing.

Next, replace those negative thoughts and feelings with something "better".  And what I say better, I mean it.  Focus on what is true, right, and good in your life---in other words, what you are genuinely grateful for!  As interrupting yourself also involves distractions of some kind or another as mentioned above...this "replace" step means you literally practice changing your thinking because now you are finally thinking about how you think---and you are choosing to replace those thoughts and feelings with something that is more helpful rather than harmful.  Instead of being all kind of pissed off because you didn't get what you wanted when you wanted it....focus on what you are grateful for to replace those thoughts and feelings.  Instead of being bitter about what didn't happen in your life that you had always hoped would happen....focus on what your "right now" life and what is right, true, and good about that.  Without your "right now" life to focus on, you will keep nailing your own feet to your past history.  Nobody can drive forward by staring back at their rearview mirror.  

As an example, my own mother didn't like working around the house.  Never did and never would.  So by being her only daughter, I was raised to believe that "domestic duties" was not unlike forced labor under great duress.  She never gardened, she rarely cooked, and she preferred to "shop" as her go-to activity on a daily basis.  Fast forward to decades later after we first moved into our present home.  I was outside weeding....and I started thinking about how I "hate" weeding and what the hell such a thankless job...and before I knew it, I was getting very angry about all the "stuff" I had done or still needed to do "domestically" speaking around our home in order for it to be the way I wanted it to be and look.  And then it hit me...time to replace!  I remembered how it was with my mother and how she rolled...and I began thinking of everything in my life that was beautiful, that was good, and that was right.  I eventually grew to love gardening and was even asked to participate in our local garden tour as a featured home.  Who said "replace" doesn't work?  It does!

Last, repeat these good things you are doing to interrupt and replace what has the ability to take you down into the pit of despair, hopelessness, and powerlessness.  You are not hopeless or powerless unless you CHOOSE to be those ways.  Nobody owes you a good life, but you owe a good life to yourself.  Nobody is responsible for your daily care 24/7 like you're still an infant...so stop acting like one whenever you don't get your way.  When you don't get your act together, you end up spreading your pain around to others---especially to your child(ren) if you have any.  Stop it now.  Get the books, get the support through self-help groups, and get connected to whatever other people or groups that can speak truth into you with grace attached.  You are not as bad as you believe you are, but you aren't as good as you believe you are either.

Breaking bad starts with you...and ends with you also.  Nobody wants to be remembered for being a #1 donkey hole (if you catch my drift there!) because he/she/they were too narcissistic and too delusional to believe nobody noticed that basic truth.  Don't be a donkey hole.  Be grateful.  Be present.  Be real.

Until next post....

Fear/Shame/Guilt/Dread/Avoidance: Breaking "Bad"! (Part I in a series)

If fear is the lowest vibration, then so is shame and ditto for guilt.  As human beings, we hate thinking about the things that scare us (real or imagined!), let alone that which leads us to genuinely believe we are less than zero in whatever way(s) we do.  

Just the other days I heard about a man who has a habit of grabbing and throwing the nearest available clubs around willy nilly whenever he misses or makes a "bad" shot on the golf course.  Really?  Yes, really.  As he starts swearing and carrying on as if it is his own inalienable right to behave in this matter, it would be easy to forget that he's behaving like a brat without thinking twice about "why" that is.  Oh wait, a moment of insight emerges:  youngest of eight....easily forgotten and neglected by any and all family members....had to scramble to get own needs met generally speaking while growing up...often the butt of pranks and jokes at the hands of older sibling(s)....

This isn't rocket science people.  When we have to make it loud in order to be noticed and acknowledged, throwing golf clubs around the course while swearing definitely gets attention!

As children, for example, do we authentically understand why mom and dad fight and argue as much as they do in our presence?  Of course we don't!  Or why dad is mostly angry when he comes home from work?  Or why mom goes over to her sister's house a lot---or just sits there staring into space smoking cigarettes all night long?

As kids, we are all too young to understand what it means when adults forget we exist (as children) and carry on as if we are inside a theatre watching the movie of their adult lives unfold before our own childish eyes and minds.  I can remember as a young child just jumping behind our sectional sofa and calling it a day (or a night!) to get away from it all.  And what child is emotionally mature enough to say to themselves, "Oh, this nonsense they are engaging in---it all has nothing to do with me!"  Yeah, right!  Because children are so egocentric, we really do believe that anything "good" that happens to us is because we have "been good", while anything "bad" that happens---or happens to us personally---is because we have "been bad".  End of.

And then after we have internalized all this nonsense about how adults communicate with one another at home---only to end up repeating a similar dynamic in our own romantic relationships---we wonder why we feel everything BUT happy to be here with him/her/them as our chosen life partner (?!)

Until we learn how to connect the dots regarding where our fear/shame/guilt began and how we have, ourselves, fed that beast over time, we don't.  We just accept and live in and with the fears associated with our own past and present life's experiences.  That's why so many of us live in a loop of patterned behaviors that has been happening within our family system going back generations. It's called epigenetics by the way in case you were wondering...

Even if your parent(s) were stellar members of your community and did everything "right" so as to raise productive citizens, many children grow up with a lot of emotional and/or physical neglect which we tend to downplay as adults sitting inside the therapist's office. "I was fine!  We went to social gatherings.  My parents worked hard to support us.  I went to camp every summer.  They paid for my college....

Really?  What about when you just wanted to be listened to and understood...or have your parent/older sibling/grandparent explain to you "how this works" when you became curious about something and wanted to understand it better?  In a household where this type of familial dynamic exists, ironic how being in school can serve as a lifeline for the smart-enough and curious-enough child.  At least in school, the teachers are there TO listen, to understand, and to teach when the student is ready...

Emotional and/or physical neglect is one of those life experiences that we definitely minimize because of the damage it does to us;  we learn how to function as dismissive/avoidants as a result of significant-enough neglect.  These folks have a near impossible time listening and understanding others to achieve into-me-you-see genuine intimacy.  In fact, these are the same folks who complain to me by saying things like "Hey, I had to figure everything out myself;  why shouldn't he/she/they do the same?"  Dismissive/Avoidants are notorious for paying only selective attention to that which makes them feel good about themselves.  Otherwise, they are checked out emotionally as a general rule.  Now you don't have to wonder why or how that occurs.

Look up "Dismissive/Avoidant" attachment style and you may be finding yourself reading about not only your parent(s) of choice, but about yourself and/or your partner as well.

As for "Dread"....dread comes into our picture when we allow ourselves to worry about those real or imagined fears we are struggling with.  Dread = Worry in case you forgot. Also, Fear + Worry combined = Anxiety.  For all who struggle with chronic and intense anxiety most of the time, what I am speaking about in today's blog post, part of your issue IS making your Fears and your Worries constant companions instead of working to interrupt the cycle once it shows up in your own mind/thought life.

So, there you have it;  the formula which has the power to keep us stuck in a loop of thinking, feeling, and behaving that is more "bad" than good for us!  Our job is to demonstrate the courage to be breaking bad whenever it pops up in our thought life, and to re-regulate our emotions after they become dysregulated...and to literally stop making the same poor choices (behavior!) that we later come to regret (if we still have a conscience to work with that is!).

While all this is going on, by the way, we are also simultaneously managing any "stuck" negatuve emotions that have to do with our messy past experiences that have a funny way of cropping up during our own hard, stressful, and overwhelming times.  Being grief-stricken.  That's a big one.  Being angry.  Being resentful.  Being Bitter.  These are the "Big Four" emotional grenades that can pop off immediately when unexpected and unwanted "negative" situations and/or circumstances show up on our own life's path and out of left field.

I just happened to go to NYC this past weekend when the "snow emergency of 2026" blew into the city on Sunday night.  I was at a party when Mayor Mamdani declared the snow emergency and shut down the roads throughout New York city and its surrounding boroughs at 9PM until 12 noon the next day.  

To say I was afraid of the snow would be a joke.  I'm not afraid of snow. I'm used to it living here in SE MI.  To say I was afraid of being holed up in our airbnb for the next ??? hours without knowing when we'd be able to move about freely---that would be a joke too. I'm not afraid of being holed up anywhere.  As long as the power is on and I have access to cable, I'm good.  

To say I was afraid of the area I was in would not be a joke, but I adjusted my sails very quickly.  I was in a "gritty and unevenly gentrified" area of Brooklyn...and it showed.  But me being me, I was fine so long as no rats showed up for breakfast, lunch, or dinner where we were staying.  And they didn't.  All good!

To say I was afraid after my flight home got cancelled on Tuesday and I couldn't get through to Delta on my phone app....yes, you would be correct!  Bingo!  Without my desktop computer to work off of, I knew I had to interrupt myself from spiraling down and out into the black hole of OMGWHATAMIGOINGTODOTOGETBACKHOME?!?!?  This is just one minor example of how my own "imagined fear" about getting a flight back to Detroit was the specific trigger that I could have let myself go down the rabbit hole with.  Yet, I didn't.  I interrrupted the "loop" of thinking I was about to engage in (fear/shame/guilt/dread/avoidance)...by focusing on genuine curiosity as to how I would be able to move past "stuck" and get through to a "live" Delta agent from my phone....

When we can move past our fear/dread/avoidance as our default mental habits when triggered negatively, we need to move right into authentic hope/true anticipation/genuine curiosity about how we can go about "solving" our real life and right now issue or problem.  

In my case, I went right to perplexity.ai.  Why not?  So I explained the situation, how I was unable to get through to Delta on my phone app...so what were my other available options?  Of course, Perplexity came through.  Gave me a number to call, which I did.  When prompted to ID myself, I did not respond with the typical "Push 1 for.."  Within 30 seconds I was connected to a live agent.  Got my next available flight scheduled for the next evening;  the next morning decided to check on any earlier flights using the same strategy.  Was able to do that and be home by 7:30PM Wednesday night instead of midnight.  Yay Perplexity.  Yay Delta.  Yay me.

Who said AI technology was full of *$(#?  Not for me!  My new "stay curious" partner when life throws me a curve ball.

So big yay YOU when you can practice courage and curiosity as your own "Step 1" in breaking bad in your own thought life and associated interactions with others!  Just like I did last week in two feet of snow. :-P  

Next post, a continuation of the process which frees you from being stuck in the loop of avoidance...

Until next post!

Your Anti-Anxiety/Panic Porta-Pack!

I remember the first time I shared with a client how we experience life through our senses.  Kind of like the obvious being not so obvious until it hits us:  "Oh yeah!  What I see, what I hear, what I smell, what I touch, what I taste....and what I intuit (intuition/spiritual discernment) IS all of what I have to experience the world around me!"  Truth.

Yet you may be one of the millions of people on our planet who also experiences life through your "emergency state" of feelings that all point to the following:  Imagined Fear(s) + Worry combined.  When we are living in fear (real or imagined) and when we worry about those fears (real or imagined), we are experiencing anxiety.  When our anxiety catches on fire, then we experience panic.  Just like anger on fire leads to feelings of rage, the same is true with generalized anxiety.  We are anxious and we know it, but when it catches on fire, we go into panic mode.

Today's blog post is how to interrupt your anxiety and/or panic modes by having access to your own anti-anxiety and anti-panic porta-pack.  These are the things you can carry with you to help you quickly come out of that altered state of consciousness and get back to the "now" of your present life.

Oh by the way, these suggestions are for when you are away from home and unable to pursue some of the other techniques that work to instantly calm you/bring you back to "now" reality.  Such as....each hand holding onto an ice cube for as long as you can stand it....walking barefoot in the snow or on a cold-enough driveway/road for as long as you can stand it...jumping into a super warm or super cold shower...putting your face or both hands into a bowl of ice water for as long as you can stand it, etc. etc.  Heat and cold have a way of zapping us back to where we need to come back to when we experience emotional chaos to any significant degree...

All you will need for your own personal porta-pack is a small zippered pouch or ziplock bag (either works!).  Inside your pack, you can include the following items:

1.  Individually wrapped alcohol swabs.

Kind of like the baby sister of smelling salts without knocking you out, an individual alcohol swab, when opened, can be used to "sniff" you back into reality instantly without harming you.  Remember, anything you use which "grounds" you back into real life and right now reality (instead of what you are worrying and/or panicking over inside your head) is a good thing in these moments.

2.  Individually wrapped super sour hard candy.

My clients love everything from the super sour Warheads brand powder (which comes in its own individualized triangular packet), and/or any other sour/super sour candy that makes you go YUCK! instead of YUM!  (LOL)  Clients of mine have also used Altoids breath mints for this purpose (very strong and unpleasant enough flavor).  Whatever hard candy or mints you can suck on will work here.

3.  "Mini" containers of hot sauce, lemon juice, and/or other "liquid"-based hot/sour/bitter substance that can be dropped onto the tongue (just a drop or two...not the whole bottle!).  Functions the same as would the hard and sour candy/breath mints.

4.  Fidget/squeeze/pull/light up device (spinner, sqeeze toy, roller with "spikes"...whatever works that doesn't cause you to pick at and/or otherwise interfere with your own skin/hair/nails (cuticles, feet, eyelashes, eyebrows, etc.). 

5.  Gum with strong scent/flavor.  

6.  Affirmation notecard (to read).  "It's just a feeling.  This feeling cannot hurt me.  This feeling will pass.  I need to slow down my breathing.  I will slow it down now so each breath in and out takes me ten seconds.  Starting now..."

7.  Hydroxyzine emergency stash (anti-histamine).  By prescription for short-term use by PCP.  Non addictive, but can make you drowsy as it calms you.  Offered under assorted brand names including Vistaril and Atarax. Designed for short-term relief and not long-term anxiety management.

8.  "Mini" essential oil(s) of choice for fragrance that calm/sooth and/or energize/stimulate depending on your preference (lavender, mint, eucalyptus, citrus, etc.).

9.  Mini ice packs (Amazon).  Pack can be held on either side of your neck, for 3-5 minutes, to activate your vagus nerve and instantly calm/soothe/relax your nervous system.

10.  Your top five songs written on a sheet of paper or notecard to remind you of the power of singing, humming, and/or otherwise vocalizing to re-regulate your nervous system and bring your body and mind back to baseline.  Now play each song as you sing or hum along to it!  If you don't have a music app installed, don't worry---your tunes will most likely be on youtube!

Beyond these items which you can carry with you or have quick access to (at work or in your vehicle), keep in mind that you can also use your phone as a means to obtain instant help through appropriate apps that are designed specifically for anxiety/panic reduction.  Without naming names, some are free and others require a paid subscription.  You may also go to youtube (free!) and type in the search box "How to Calm Down Right Now"....and you'll be amazed what pops up for you to consider watching. 

No anxiety or panic attack has killed a single soul.  It generally feels like it will, but it doesn't.  Also, no anxiety or panic attack lasts as long as you fear it will.  On average, the "worst" of anxiety and panic-related symptoms involve just 3-5 minutes.  Keep that in mind as you practice slower and deeper breathing for 3-5 minutes once the symptoms begin!  

Square breathing (Navy Seals approved!) is one extremely effective method of slowing down your breathing and reducing each in-and-out cycle of breath to last at least 10-12 seconds.  The goal is to be able to breath in-and-out no more than six times per minute of time.  If you can reduce that number down to five breaths/minute---even better.

The pattern for square breathing is this:  Inhale through your nose for a count of at least 3-5 seconds, then hold your breath for at least 2-3 seconds, then exhale through your mouth for 4-6 seconds, and then hold your breath again for at least 2-3 seconds before you repeat the process (inhale-hold-exhale-hold-inhale-hold-exhale-hold..)

Anxiety and panic can be a fact of life for many of us, but it loses its power over us when we have the tools (and use them!) to quickly and effectively reduce the intensity and frequency of any given episode.

Until next post.... 

How Many Times....???

How many times....do we need to repeat history before we understand what we can do to change it?  As you may have surmised, I am not talking about those parts of our history that we love and enjoy doing (or not doing!).  Instead, I am speaking of the mistakes we make in our relationship lives that leave us or our chosen "person" feeling hurt, angry, lonely, confused, sometimes guilty, and definitely ashamed.

There is an older man on youtube that I watched last night who presented a short 13 minute video.  In it, he talked about his wife who recently died---and how he didn't learn the biggest lesson about their marital relationship until after she had passed.  He said that shortly before she died, she mentioned how they spent too much time being "right" rather than being connected as a couple.  She didn't share this with him while angry or otherwise upset;  he claimed she just said it while they were having one of their last conversations.

The majority of the video talked about how he realizes (now) the things he did (to be "correct" and to be "right") at her/their expense as a couple.  She asked him to go dancing with her.  He didn't do it.  She asked him to take a pottery class.  He didn't do that either.  In other words, the things she suggested to help them "connect" emotionally as a couple---he didn't see the value of in those moments of opportunity.

Not unlike most "responsible" partners in a marriage, this husband had other stuff to do day in and day out like working in his career to provide for his family...fix the things he was capable of fixing both inside and outside of their property...and fulfill their family obligations as pertaining to their kids, relatives, friends, and other loved ones.

What this husband forgot about was the importance of experiencing "into-me-you-see" intimacy with his wife on an emotional level.  He claimed to "know" her as they had been married for over 35 years; on the other hand, he had no idea she so deeply missed the emotional connection they once shared in the early years of their marriage.

How many times do we fixate on being "right" only to miss the bigger picture of what's going on in our own life and relationships?  And please don't misunderstand, being "right" in this regard pertains to saying and doing things that are "appropriate" and "correct" and align with "the rules" as one perceives them to exist.  Kind of like having to eat dinner every day at 5:30PM like clockwork and don't mess with the schedule.  Or don't forget there are NO scheduled events for this family during football season outside of attending and/or watching "the game".  Like that.  Being "right" and being "correct" as a lifestyle puts us inside a cage we may not recognize as just that.  Then when someone comes along to show us there is abundant life outside of that cage, we resist.  And we keep resisting until the other person gives up.  How sad.  This wife....she gave up.  She gave up and now she's deceased.

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I just had someone tell me the other day in great detail what she does from the time she gets up each morning until she's "ready" to go out around 2:00PM each day.  And sometimes...she chooses not to go out anywhere because "it's too cold" or "it's too hot" or "I just don't feel like it today".  This is the same person who is seeking a life partner after the death of her spouse earlier last year.  After discussing what room she feels she can make for a new "person" in her life these days---she said without skipping a beat the following: "Well, it'd be the best if he was a lot like me already."  No kidding!  That IS the truth.  Yet who even notices that kind of truth until things blow up and couples end up going their separate ways?

Whether we get separated by death or by choice, to be emotionally intimate with someone IS foundational to achieving genuine "into-me-you-see" intimacy with one another.  Not just once, or ten times, or even fifty times---but throughout the entire relationship!  Without authentically understanding each other and being willing to "do" for the other person as an act of loving sacrifice when asked---there can be no connection.  Then we are just being polite and remaining distant if we stay together.

Food for thought as we hit mid-month in this first of the new year of 2026.

Until next post...

When Saying "I Don't Know.." is a Big Problem (for you!)

People tell each other "I don't know.." way more often than they realize.  Beyond the fact that this simple phrase is the easiest excuse in the book to get out of most things (self-awareness chief among them!)...today's post is all about breaking this bad habit and why it's so important to do so!

I mentioned self-awareness above all else because there are those of us who avoid self-awareness like we avoid going to the dentist for a root canal.  The idea of it just hurts too much.  Self-awareness translated means that we understand what we did or did not do that was wrong/hurtful/self-serving/cold-hearted/evil/self-destructive (and whatever else "bad"!) to ourselves and/or one or more others.  Kind of like finding out you've behaved like a genuine jerk (or worse!) more often than not to your only sibling for most of your life.  Or your spouse.  Or your child.  Or your best friend.  (Need I go on?)  Much easier to avoid all that garbage by simply stating "I don't know.." when asked about the incident, the relationship, your reaction to "what happened", etc.

For sure it is much easier to proclaim "I don't know!" when you'd rather not remember and know for real and for sure what you did/didn't do that was truly bad.

My uncle is deceased now.  Has been for a long time.  While he was alive, he tolerated me more than anything else.  He may have been kinder to me when I was very very young;  I have a photo of us when I'm about three years old as we are both smiling at the camera.  He is playing his accordian...and I have a single finger on the key of middle C.  That's the only photo I possess of "us" where we are smiling at the same time.  

Since that time, it was made clear to me that unless I was "serving" him in some way (including conversationally!)---I was useless to him.  He wasn't and wouldn't be the first person in my life to have treated me that way.  Fortunately or unfortunately for his wife (my aunt)--she was all about being the dutiful wife to him during the nearly 60 years they were married.  I would call her up on the phone, and I would hear "I can't talk now...your uncle needs his cottage cheese and peaches." ...and she'd hang up!  Believe me when I tell you that the distance between their kitchen and where he was sitting was less than ten feet.  He was perfectly capable of getting his own dish of cottage cheese and peaches, but didn't.  So it was like that.  Serve him...or be invisible to him.  End of.

For a long time if anyone asked me what my uncle was like, I would say "I don't know." because I really did NOT know what he was like.  And for a long time, I didn't care to find out either.  He never really had an honest conversation with me about anything.  Unless the subject matter was something "he" wanted to discuss, he wasn't interested in chatting about "it" whatever "it" was.  Not until he was stuck in a rehab facility for the last 2-1/2 years of his life did I get to know and understand him better, because he couldn't ignore me.  I'd go to visit him....and he couldn't leave the room or building to get away from me.

During those 2-1/2 years, I learned a lot about my uncle...primarily because of his answers to my questions, when he felt like answering.  Yet I wouldn't let up on visiting him....and I kept asking questions.  Ultimately, it became clear to me how disappointed he was in his own plans to be cared for in the way he wanted by his distant relative in another country.  He tried to orchestrate the situation to go his way, but his distant relative only had him in his home (that my uncle purchased for them) once---and then said my uncle couldn't stay there.  Oops!  

So when my uncle subsequently ended up in rehab, while my aunt remained in their condo...he was definitely frustrated.  As it turned out, this distant relative of his didn't visit him in the rehab with his family, although everything this distant relative had was purchased with my aunt and uncle's nest egg.  I know my uncle became self-aware in ways he would have avoided like the plague if he could.  He made some really big mistakes due to really big errors in judgment.  Hey, it happens.  My aunt learned to forgive him by the time he died---and so did I.  He was just looking to control his preferred outcomes he, in truth, had no control over in the first place...

I tell you this story because our lives are like that.  We make our plans....and then God laughs.  We knowingly or unknowingly do or don't do "right" things because we have made poor choices with only our own needs' satisfaction in mind.  We are human.  We are messed up.  How long we remain messed up is truly "up" to each of us.  

If we keep up with this "I don't know" shtick whenever we are asked something we don't feel like answering....we'll stay messed up until we die.  That's the way it is, period.

We would not like to think of ourselves as selfish gits, but we are.  All of us.  We may seduce our way into getting what we want out of someone else...or we may engage in what I've referred to often in this blog as "self-serving" negotiations.  And then...if all goes according to our own plan, we'll be fine because we got what we wanted from him/her/them.  Yet when we don't....we then decide if what we wanted in the first place is worth fighting over.  Or...we walk away and find another target to meet our need(s).  Or we may even leave the relationship altogether.  It all depends on how invested we are in what we want from others and what extent we will go to in getting it.

When was the last time you said "I don't know" to someone and you knew the subject matter was something you'd rather not discuss---like ever?  "How much did you drink last night?"  "How fast were you driving when you skidded off the road like that?"  "How did she end up with that black eye?"  "Why do you keep asking me for these outrageous sums of money every month or so like clockwork?"

In the end, if you don't choose to be aware about your own choices and decisions and what they led to in the way of natural consequences....that IS your choice.  But for those of us who know you, care about you, perhaps love you----you sell us all short by continuing with this "I don't know" stuff like we are stupid.  We're not stupid and neither are you.

Some things just need to be brought into the light so we all can reap the benefits of you getting better---and our relationship improving as a result!

So do your work.  We all have our work to do.  Don't avoid it.  It's unbecoming to you.

Until next post....

New Year.....Now What? (2026)

Instead of setting ourselves up for failure with this new year of 2026, I have an idea!  Not my idea mind you, but an idea worth sharing.  Try developing micro-habits rather than believing in the pursuit of broad-sweeping resolutions.  And what are micro-habits you may wonder?  They are the little things that we can start doing, right now and every day (or every other day, or every week!) in order to become comfortable with change(s) that eventually morph into real life and right now "better" habits.  As we discover when practicing micro-habits, we will want to practice them for longer and more often over time.  That's the good news about doing better and being better throughout each and any new year as it comes...and goes.

Let's start looking at some of the things you can do to better care for your technologically-saturated self in 2026 while, at the same time, more effectively protect your mental, spiritual, and physical health:

1.  Start "unsubscribing" to your email clutter.  Regardless of how many email accounts you have, it's a good place to start.  Even if you unsubscribe from two things every other day, your inbox(es) will be cleared out of it's incoming "not-junk-but-is-now-junk" in no time!  I was SO over seeing the same emails from Harbor Freight (I don't even know who they are or what they do!) coming in as "Other" inbox emails.  They're done.  Unsubscribed.  Big Yay.

2.  Delete any unused apps, games, and files from your phone....and your laptop/desktop computer.  Same logic applies as 1. above!

3.  Back up your important photos, documents, and contacts.  If you aren't sure how to do that, ask ChatGPT or Perplexity.AI...or any AI-based "assistant" who can point you in a right direction.  Or.... your enlightened adult kid/grand(s)---whomever you have good-enough access to assist you.

4.  Review your current online accounts and passwords.  Decide which need to go and which can stay.  Then update your passwords and document them for those key accounts you intend to keep using in 2026.

4.  Instead of not accepting, keeping, or tracking your receipts for purchases, do this for a month.  Then identify your spending pattern for that month.  Do it again next month.  And the next.  Through this process, you will certainly know what your patterns are that you may have never noticed before---and choose to change accordingly.  (Like the client who was spending on average $300 a month inside 7-11 buying "stuff" to eat/drink at work each day!  Or the "Amazon shopper" who realized how easy it was to spend $1,000 in a couple of months on "gadgets"!)

5.  Set your boundaries regarding your time spent "working", versus your time on screens for each month of the new year.  If your work is primarily online, then establish "when" you can and will be offline each day for your own mental health's sake.  Without realizing, too many of us are on screens 16+ hours each day between our work, phones, and other devices---and haven't even noticed!  The Mills-Gen Alpha generations understand this reality better than the rest of us do...

6.  Delete your old screenshots and duplicate photos, files, and documents....or anything else that doesn't serve you "now".  I am notorious for texting clients screenshots of youtube videos I suggest he/she/they watch.  Not a good plan to let them pile up in my phone over time!

7.  Make a micro-habit of wiping down your screens and keyboard(s) at least once each week.  If you have a desktop, clear it and wipe down all surfaces once a week.

8.  Unfollow accounts that drain you of your energy...or your time!  Which leads to 9. below...

9.  Consider detoxing yourself from those accounts you have become addicted to.  For me, it was Tik Tok.  If an hour can go by and it felt like 10 minutes, you ARE addicted.  Start by pursuing "Dry January" as it pertains to whichever account you know you spend way too much time watching each day.  If that's too hard, cut your time "watching" in half for one month.  Then cut it in half again the second month, etc.

10.  If your phone is connected to you like the plague, try keeping it at home for a day and see how it feels to be without it.  Then, after you are used to this change, make it two days. Eventually, you may have your phone "with" you, but you won't be glued to it like you once were.  You may actually NOT RESPOND/ANSWER when it is a non-emergency incoming call!  Imagine that!?  Believe me, there was a time when all of us did NOT have a phone immediately accessible to us and guess what?  We lived through it!  You can too!  

As an aside, people on dating apps are now sharing that any "date" who puts their phone on the table during dinner should translate to NO SECOND DATE FOR YOU!  I agree.  Who is SO important that their phone has to be visible to them no matter where they are?  Reminds me of the fool who was yelling about his stock trade over the phone in the dairy department at Meijer's years ago.  So. Important. NOT!  LOL

Technology has its perks, of course it does.  You just don't want to end up confused as to why you feel your technologies are controlling your life instead of the other way round...

Until next post....    

Your Disappointments, Heartbreaks, Setbacks, and other Tragedies of Life...

 ...do NOT define you unless you let them.

So there you have it.  If you want to spend whatever time you have left between now and dead, think about what I am saying here.  You will never ever successfully move past your past and carry real hope in your heart for your real life "now" and in your future IF you keep insisting that your "saga" of pain and heartbreak is a never-ending focus of your present life.

Think about it.  Are you one of those people who call friends or family members at random times of the day or night talking about "I don't want to be here anymore.." or "I can't take any more of his/her/their crap it's literally killing me!", etc. etc.?  Listen, do you even clearly understand what you are doing to these "targeted" people who you go on and on with about your own past and present pain?  You are not only robbing them of their own peace---but also imposing your desire for "care" on demand from him/her/them when you feel like it.  Just on the face of it, it's rude behavior.  Deep dive into it, and it's highly manipulative.  Pick one.  

Disclaimer:  I am NOT speaking here of someone with a history of self-injury and/or attempts at unaliving themselves.  In the above example, I am speaking an individual's most extreme attempt(s) at obtaining "instant" attention from whomever and whenever like it's their job....

You may not realize this, but your friends and loved ones have heard your tales of woe 1,000 times already.  Why do you act like it's the first time you are sharing about your tragedies of life (such as your divorce, your financially dependent adult child, your nasty sister, your abusive parent, etc. etc.) whenever you call or see whomever it is face-to-face?  Don't misunderstand, trauma survivors are notorious for forgetting what they said and to whom because past traumatic experiences know no timeline in the brain.  When we get triggered in the "now", we can very easily default to experiencing the same emotional reactions we did when the original event took place.  Even if that event was 25 or 45 years ago!   So of course we aren't going to recall how many times we talked to our best friend from work about "him" or "her" or "them" who hurt and betrayed us so badly.  We can't think straight when we are upset, let alone still caught up in our own traumatic experiences.  Ultimately, we need to learn to move past those traumatic experiences or we are at high risk of allowing them to define us mind, body, and soul.  And that would NOT be a good thing!

Also, ask yourself if you are a "Yes, BUT.." ter.  That means that you will agree with someone who is attempting to give you sound advice, BUT---you always come up with an excuse of why you can't do "that" which is being/has been suggested.  "I can't see a therapist!  Are you kidding me?  I went to one two years ago and she was horrible!"  Huh?!  Okay then!  I guess that means when you get a bad meal in a restaurant, you'll never eat out at restaurants again.  Or if you had a bad dental experience, you'll never see a dentist again (which people have done, as sad as that is to report!).  If you haven't seen the lady on youtube these days with no front tooth in her mouth talking about being estranged from her son...that was her story.  She had a bad dental experience, and then that was that.  Never went back.  Sad!  Tragic!  Trauma-driven decision making on blast!  Yes-butters are under-responsible because they use their own bad/traumatic/tragic experiences as an excuse to avoid doing the right thing(s) now...

I have sidewalk chalk in my office.  When someone is most invested in their own status as a "Poor Me!" survivor of this, that, and the other that happened to them...I will typically show them the box and then toss it over to them.  "What's this?" I am often asked.  "It's your chalk to give to those surrounding you to outline your body when it ends up prostrate on the sidewalk, that's what."  Being and functioning as a card-carrying capital "V" victim is not a good place to live or overly identify with.  We can all do it, not just you and not just me.  When we identify too closely with victim status, we lose more and more of our ability to live in the "now" and can easily end up still very angry, resentful, and bitter by the time it IS our time to leave this world and enter into the next one.

Your disappointments, heartbreaks, setbacks, and tragedies of life are legitimate. Of course they are.  But we often forget that we SHARE this common series of experience while we are here (on earth) regardless of who we are or where we came from.  Rich people get dragged through the crap of life just as homeless people do.  Smart people....and illiterate people.  People from Iceland....and people from Australia.  It doesn't matter who we are or where we came from or "what" we are defining ourselves as;  everybody knows and understands what the experience of PAIN feels like.

So if you need help, get it from the "right" sources and not just those who you feel comfortable with calling up at midnight----or having drinks with after work.  Make a decision to stop transmitting your pain around to other people and learn how to be transformed by your pain into a BETTER person.  How about that?  Yeah....how about that!?

Until next post...

When Just Saying "No!" Works Against Us...

It is true that we are all creatures of habit.  What we like and like doing, we do it!  What we don't like and don't like doing, we work "not" to do it!  That's our human nature.  However, there are times when our own "just say no!" strategy works against us.  Today's post is focused on when our own "No!" responses end up jeopardizing our ability to heal, change (for the better!), and improve the overall quality of our own lives....

I have worked with a lot of clients over the past 22 years.  Some of them, I will say, amazed me just by showing up for psychotherapy.  How can I say that?  I say that because there is still a HUGE stigma associated with people asking for help about issues and problems they would rather not address directly, let alone involving a third party professional.  I mean when was the last time you met someone who told you, "Hey!  Guess what?!  I decided to start going to therapy because I create conflict like it's my job and it's really ruined a lot of my important past relationships!"  Or how about, "Geez, I think I need to see a psychiatrist because I keep obsessing about something being medically wrong with me, even though doctors keep telling me I'm perfectly healthy."  

See what I mean?

We typically don't face what we'd rather not face.  That's a fact.  People can go for not just weeks or months, but for years and decades saying "No!" to what ends up being their own worst decision(s) ever.  In my field of mental health, it is NOT easy to be connected to someone biologically or otherwise who makes their own lives quite complicated because of this "No! No! No!" mentality.  

"NO!" (I won't ever take medication!)  "NO!" (I can't admit my husband abuses me and our kids to anybody!)  "NO!" (She might exploit the bejesus out of me every chance she gets, but I'll never leave her!)  "NO!" (I'm too old to learn a new skill now!)  "NO!" (I'm not an addict!)  "NO!" (I'm not in denial!)

...and on and on we go.

My dearly departed aunt (God rest her, she would have been 101 years old this past summer) was someone who was much more comfortable saying "NO!" than she was "YES!".  She didn't used to be that way when I was a kid.  In fact, she was the one who suggested we go to Battle Creek on the train from Detroit to tour the Kellogg's factory.  As she aged, however, it was clear she was much more comfortable just shutting down opportunities that involved activities outside of her personal comfort zone.  You could take her to church;  she was fine with that.  You could take her to her favorite local restaurant;  no problem.  But to suggest anything she wasn't already familiar with or "heard about" from her peer group---forget it!  Like pulling teeth.  She truly lost her sense of adventure somewhere along the way.  Needless to say....

This "NO!" thing can be so annoying!  Kind of like refusing to accept a blanket when we are otherwise freezing....or refusing to go sit in that bucket of water over there when our rear end is on fire. 

So what can we do about this issue when it's one of our own issues?  Well, every dysfunctional habit can be broken when we replace it with a new and healthier habit instead, how about that?

If you are a "NO!" person, how about making a deal with yourself to start?  For one month, keep track on paper of all the times you said "NO!" to someone else (or to yourself for that matter) regarding whatever it is you chose not to do, rather than do in a timely manner.  After a month of tracking your "NO!" moments, review your documentation to see if there is a pattern there that you can identify.  Guess what?  There will be a pattern there!  

Some people find that their tracking record for a single month may be most focused on things discussed or interactions involving a particular person or group of persons.  Others may find that their tracking record has most to do with opportunities or invitations to "go" places with one or more other people.  Whatever the case, you will find that your own "NO!" moments for the month will have a pattern attached regarding (1) "who" you most say "NO!" to ( including yourself!), (2) "what" it is you keep deciding that you will "not" do (like anything to do with "doctors"---or traveling---or going somewhere you've never been before as examples), (3) "when" it is you most often say "NO!" without even thinking ("I don't do "mornings"...I don't do "after dark".."I don't like having people over at my house, etc.), and (4) "where" (at home?  at work?  when out with friends?  with with certain family members? etc.)

Understanding your own pattern of behavior is helpful here because it provides you with the evidence of what you are most often resisting and under what circumstances.

And that's a start....

Until next post!