"OW! Halleljuah!"

Realizing something about ourselves that isn't necessarily a good thing is not easy.  As televangelist Joyce Meyer would say, these may represent our  "OW! Halleljuah!" moments in life when we let them function as such.  In my practice, these moments come most often when a client sees how he or she isn't much different from their own parent(s)---and not in a good way.  One client I can recall couldn't stand being compared to her mother by her own husband.  "He says I'm just like she is and I'm not!  That's my worst nightmare!"  Yet when I met with this couple and listened to all the examples her husband provided of "Her mom does this to her...and then I see her do that to me too..", my client busted out crying.  "I don't want to be like my mother!  I can't stand her anxiety and I have it just like she does!"  Yep, a potential "OW!  Halleljuah!" moment to be sure.  In that case, I am happy to report that my client was willing to do the work of making positive changes so her own anxiety could be better managed without running and ruining her--or her husband's lives and marriage.

What are your own "OW! Halleljuah!" moments that you have been avoiding in your past or present life?  For me personally, I am a talker by nature.  Love to talk.  Love to process as I speak.  Love to talk through a problem not just once, twice, or even five times.  Maybe this is why I have so many close girlfriends.  I don't want to burn any one friend out to the point of them saying "That's enough Mary!  Shut the *$)@# up!"  Yet----when I have been on the receiving end of this type of dynamic with a friend, I (like anyone else!) have felt myself wanting to say "Shut the $*)@# up!" OW!  Double OW!  Triple OW!  Needless to say, this particular "OW! Halleljuah!" moment has allowed me to set some boundaries...both with myself and others around this issue.  Don't get me wrong, it is perfectly normal to "talk" through something before the choice is made as to how to "act" in solving, resolving, or dissolving "it" whatever "it" is.  But if the talking has something to do with nothing that can be literally solved, resolved, or dissolved...it's anxiety based and has the potential to drive others up a tree or away from you (or me!) for a long long time.  So, in my own personal life, I have been practicing to talk less, listen more...and take action instead of take up phone if my issue(s) are indeed real and resolvable by my own efforts.

Adult children (which means all of us over the age of 18) tend to ignore how they are or have been affected by the "ways" their own parent(s) chose to behave as they were growing up and/or are currently.  I have always been mind blown by the "grandpa" who is still a skirt-chasin' womanizer at age 70 or beyond...and yet his son or daughter can't and won't connect the dots about why he is also a skirt-chasin' womanizer at age 38 (male) or is married to a skirt-chasin' womanizer at age 30 (female). OW!  OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!  But this is how it can be.  If you notice the "OW!", then you may have to notice there's a potential "Hallelujah!" attached to the "OW!" and who wants to do THAT work?!  Well...therein lies the rub.  That's why I love my job.  That's why I will always be busy until I die or retire.  Bein' a denial breaker as a career isn't easy, but someone's gotta do it!

Some more subtle forms of these "OW! Halleljuah!" moments include those of us who live on the edge of our own anger and defensive posturing.  You know, the people you feel you have to walk on eggshells around because they always seem to find something that "bothers" them enough to blow at any given moment.  Well...as the old saying goes:  "If you spot it, you go it!"  (Or you learned it and now choose to live with it!)  In this particular example, just give yourself permission to figure out when and how you were first introduced to this "type" of person and why you didn't just ditch them the moment you realized "this is how they are for real!"  You may find you couldn't ditch them back in the day because...oh geez!  They were your mom!  They were your dad!  They were your grandma or grandpa!  See what I mean?  Familiarity doesn't just breed contempt...it can breed clones of the same dysfunctional patterns.  It can also breed chosing someone to marry or "be" with with the same comfortably familiar dysfunctional patterns.

"OW!"

And hopefully "Halleljuah!" to you too!  248-561-8660 if you need help with that.





 



 

The Never-Ending Middle....

The never-ending middle is a hard place to live and function in.  After all, don't most things in life have a beginning---a middle---and then an end?  I don't know about you, but I have had more than my share of never-ending middles throughout my lifetime thus far.  Ask any childhood survivor of parental neglect and abuse and you'll understand what I'm talking about.  Being born and raised in hell is no place to be stuck when that particular never-ending middle often lasts for a minimum of 18 years.  Adult children of divorce often speak to me of the time frame when dad or mom first started fighting on a routine basis...to the time when one or the other moved out and the divorced was finalized.  Another kind of never-ending middle.

Never-ending middles are not easily defined.  Anything that causes a person to feel stuck in a circumstance or situation that is not changing for the better (or the worse!) can represent a never-ending middle in their own life.  Even if that never-ending middle is happening to someone else and not to them directly. 

I've spoken often in my blog about my 99 year old uncle.  This month is his two year anniversary when he first entered "rehab" for a medical issue that should have had him discharged within a month or so.  It didn't work out that way.  My uncle has slowly but steadily lost all use and function of his legs, his hands, and now his ability to speak.  That's been a definite never-ending middle experience in his life and in ours (as his family) for the past 24 months. 

I have a friend who has struggled with severe allergies and skin problems since childhood.  She never knows when she will break out---when she will get stung or bit by something that will cause her throat to close shut---or when something "new" she eats has an adverse affect on her gastrointestinal system.  This never-ending middle has cost her the ability to actively participate in many social events;  it has also cost her a number of relationships.  In her case, she admits to having "expected" close friends and family to remember what she can and can't swallow, do, or be exposed to.  "I would get disappointed over and over again because they forgot", she states, "but then I realized why should they think of me and the details of my life to the same extent they think of their own?"  She's right.

Being forced into a never-ending middle either directly or indirectly obviously changes the way we will communicate and relate to each other.  What you or I "see" and "understand" is not necessarily what others will also see and understand (or want to!)---no matter how many times you try to "educate" them about the details of your own never-ending middle.  People can only take in so much information that doesn't relate to them directly;  if you throw some ADHD in there, forget it on all counts (without proper medication that is!).  Punctuating each conversation with your temperature changes or your dietary changes or your "whatever else" changes....no good.  Don't do it.  Instead of winning friends and influencing people...you will lose friends and become alienated without ever knowing or understanding "How did this happen to me?!"  People don't like other people who keep talking about the same never-ending middle "thing" every time they communicate.  The best example of this phenomenon in my own life (and I apologize in advance for this to all my friends and family members!) were/are all the times I've talked about my own weight-related issues.  As I have learned, an action beats a feeling every time.  Instead of just talking about that never-ending middle, DO something about it if you have the power to transition that never-ending middle to an "end".

Making positive changes isn't easy.  It takes work to practice censoring yourself when your natural bent is to yap yap yap something to death without doing anything "real" or "positive" to change it.  Of course, for those never-ending middles you cannot change by your own steam...the fact still remains that the people you talk to in life are NOT God.  They can't shaazam instant healing or recovery into your never-ending middle situation no sooner than they can into their own.  Instead of always making a point to bring up the "NEM" subject in each one of your conversations...try practicing NOT bringing it up in each one of your conversations!  If you have to bring it up to anyone, bring it up and take it up to God along with all of your other cares and concerns.  After all, He is the only one who carries all those cares, concerns, and never-ending middles (NEMs!) on His shoulders.  We mere humans do not and cannot.

In the meantime, learning how to have fun in spite of your never-ending middle is a good practice.  I know you think you don't have the time.  Do you think you're the only one in life going through what you are and, as a result, the only one who "can't" do this or "can't" do that on a daily basis?  Forget it.  It's an excuse.  A good friends' neice has been bedridden for 16 years and literally cannot move out of her bed due to a multitude of physical and medical issues she's been plagued with since her teen years.  Most recently, her teeth began falling out.  In spite of what appears to be a very bleak "never-ending middle" situation for this young woman, she has STILL managed to use the Internet and Facebook as a means to live and interact with others in a positive way.  And do YOU think she's on there communicating "Oh, my right bicuspid fell out at 1:00PM yesterday and it landed on my chest and it was yellowish-white in color..."  NO, she does not!  She has learned that in order to HAVE a friend...she needs to BE a friend...and not focusing 24/7 on her own never-ending middle in her communications with others.  She can also play games on the net, read about subjects she loves, do her pinterest boards, etc. etc.  Just because we are in a never-ending middle doesn't mean we can't live with "fun" in our lives!  We can.  And you can too.

So---there you have it.  My two cents on never-ending middles.  And don't forget...if you need help with getting your head back on straight, that's what psychotherapy is for with someone like me.  So make the call if you need to in resolving the issues associated with your own never-ending middle!