When Home is Burning....

I just finished a book entitled "Home is )%)_# Burning" by Dan Marshall.  Marshall was in his mid 20s when he was called home from L.A. to attend to his cancer-stricken mom and ALS-stricken dad back in Salt Lake City.  His sister Tiffany had been holding up the fort up until the time both Marshall and his brother returned to the family homestead.  Two younger sisters were still in their teens and had significant issues of their own (one having an affair with her much-older coach;  another struggling with untreated Aspergers)...

As I read the book, it reminded me of the friends I have who also came from larger families where the sh** storms never stopped on any given day.  With so many personalities all living under the same roof, each with their own "stuff" to manage, it's no wonder that so many I knew grew up only to leave---and never look back---let alone return back---to "home" again.

Marshall is different.  In spite of his own issues around a self-involved girlfriend back in L.A., an ongoing affair of his own with alcohol, and references to his own battle of the bulge...he clearly committed himself to the care of his father.  Which is extremely admirable.  Who do you know now, in 2016, who has given a year or more of their lives, let alone a month or two, to the care of their own elderly parent or relative?  Now imagine the person you know who has done that and is also 25 years old?  There aren't many, I can tell you that.  Yet Dan Marshall was and is one of them.

After I read Marshall's book, I thought about my own experiences with my last living relative who is now 91 years old.  For the past 2-1/2 years, I have been responsible for her care, though it'd be a cold day in Hades before we'd end up in the bathroom together.  Dan Marshall and his brother not only spent countless hours doing the unmentionable in caring for their dad...but they also managed to crank out some pretty hilarious, albeit crude, observations as part of that process.  It wasn't until their dad was close to death did the brothers hire a caregiver to take over where they had left off.

Everyone's home is burning to some extent.  We can spend hours, days, weeks, and months agonizing over what we are going to do or should do or can do or won't do...but in the end, we have to do something.  If we do nothing, then nothing will change.  As I have often said, it is much easier to act ourselves into right thinking than it is to think ourselves into right acting.  When we think and over-think something without doing anything about it, we get stuck inside our own heads and our feet become paralyzed.  Thankfully for Marshall's parents, their sons' feet moved when they needed to instead of staying stuck back in the land of comfortable and familiar.

That is all.  Until next time.

When Abandonment Is Your Core Fear....

I've blogged about this issue before.  Imagine being asked to take a trip with me to the Nevada desert this weekend.  I drive you to a house in the middle of nowhere.  I tell you, "This is your new home for the next year!"  I now offer you three choices as to how you are going to live in that house over the next twelve months.  The first scenario is this:  You will have all your needs for food, clothing, medical supplies, and whatever else satisfied during your stay.  You will not have a car.  Your supplies will be delivered via the Amazon drone.  In other words, you will be living without human contact for that year in the desert.  No cell phone, no internet, no travel, and no neighbors.  This is your first scenario.

In the second scenario, you are still going to live in the desert in that same house for one year.  However, this time around, you will have with you a same-sex person who will function as your new best friend.  At least in the mind of this other person who will now be living with you.  He or she will depend on you for pretty much anything and everything he or she needs during that year you live together.  You will, in essence, function as your roommate's caregiver in every sense of the word.  Still no contact with the outside world;  your only contact will be with this person who is living with you.  This is your second scenario.

In the third scenario, you are at the house...in the desert...and can live there anyway you want.  At the end of one year, you will die.  This is your third scenario.

Which of the above-mentioned scenarios is your worst nightmare come to life?  Select one and keep it in mind as you read the following....

If you picked the first scenario as your worst nightmare, then "abandonment" is your core fear.  What is a core fear?  A core fear is that which we can't avoid and yet try to avoid throughout our lives.  All of us who are human have one of three core fears that we most struggle with.  These three core fears of humanity are as follows:  (1) abandonment, (2) engulfment, and (3) death.  Once we identify and understand what our greatest core fear is, we are in a position to see how we have allowed that fear to unduly influence and subsequently control the way(s) in which we have lived out our lives thus far.  We are also in a position to practice courage to transmute our fear and move on in our lives in a positive direction.  So let's discuss how this core fear of abandonment can mold and shape us into the people we are today.

Core Fear #1:  Abandonment

When our core fear is abandonment, we learn a whole lot of ways to "be" in our relationships so we can avoid being abandoned.  In it's way, we are addicted to our own idea of a "perfect" relationship.  We cannot tolerate being alone very well because we find ourselves worrying about not mattering much to others, being forgotten, or feeling neglected.  We are, therefore, extremely loyal to others---even when they do not deserve our loyalty.  We are consummate people pleasers.  We will do whatever it takes to please the other, even when we don't feel right about what we are doing.  We avoid believing or hearing uncomfortable truths if it translates into our getting left behind.  We give of ourselves to the point of burnout;  we need to be needed so others learn they can't live without us.

This is not to suggest that we present ourselves to the world as weak, needy, anxious, and afraid.  To the contrary, those who struggle most with this core fear on a daily basis can be some of the most dramatic and erratic people we know.  This is because when we are hurt often enough and badly enough by those we feel have abandoned us in the past,  we develop a thick armor of protection.  It all boils down to "Are you for me or against me?"  If you are for me, you're the best.  If you are against me, you're the enemy.  Relationships can begin to look very black and white with no gray areas allowed.  Our armor allows us to do the hurting before we get hurt first.  If someone says or does anything that feels like abandonment, we're outta there. We don't have to stick around and take it when we already know all of the signs.  As such, our relationships can feel like a boulevard of broken dreams because so many people are just so damn selfish!  With a core fear of abandonment, we find ourselves caught in the Catch 22 dilemma of "I hate you...but please don't leave me!"

Does this sound like you?  If so, a first step towards healing is to talk to a licensed professional therapist about your past experiences with abandonment.  Learning how to accept yourself as you are begins by surrendering all your ideas about what it "takes" to have loving and mutually-satisfying relationships over a long period of time.  Once you can accept yourself as is, you can begin the process of making positive changes that decrease the intensity of this core fear in your life...and in your relationships.

Until next time....