Dealing With Drama Online...

The one thing I love about social media is that you never know what is going to "pop up" as you scroll through your Tik Tok or Twitter accounts...your Facebook newsfeed....your bff's Instagram...and any other social media platforms you are connected to.  The one thing I hate about social media is that you never know what is going to "pop up" as you scroll through your Tik Tok or Twitter accounts....your Facebook newsfeed...your bff's Instagram....and any other social media platforms you are connected to.  Yep, that about sums it up.

So...how DO we deal with the unwanted and unexpected drama that pops up and is part and parcel of the whole world of social media, gaming platforms, online "support" groups, and the like?  Today's post offers some tips for the travel-weary onliner before anyone bolts and shuts down their online presence forever!

1.  Even if you believe you "know" him/her/them in real life...you may not!

Why do you think Facebook's nickname is "Fakebook"?  How did "Finsta-gram" come into existence? ("Fake" Instagram for parents' viewing pleasure!)  Don't get me started on Only Fans (Porn from my house to yours for my $$$ benefit).  Social media is our way to control the narratives we generate, regardless if actual truth enters into any given narrative---or not!  When we can pay better attention to what people are posting about and/or consistently "communicating" through their posting lifestyle....we will perhaps get a better idea of  just "who" they are portraying themselves to be as it relates to their social media presence and purpose(s).  Probably the most tragic example of this is when a parent of mine found out that his daughter was making big $$ on Only Fans because she was streaming sexual content with her female roommate.  This because the young woman's older brother was shown the content by one of his friends!

2.  Not everyone has a brain that works very well!

Have you ever responded to a post in what you believed was an appropriate and supportive manner, only to be blasted for your response?  When this happens, you have to remember that not everyone has a brain that works very well.  Instead of turning yourself inside out over "What did I say or do to offend this person so much?!"...you need to L-E-T-I-T-G-O!  (Let it go!)  For all you know the person who just jumped down your throat may be drunk, or high, or otherwise "impaired" in ways you are completely unaware of.  Let us not forget those who are also mentally ill and haven't yet sought professional help or treatment for that.  When a person feels free to attack someone anyway, let alone online, there is more to the story than the perpetrator perhaps "having a bad day".  All their days may be bad to begin with!

3.  Do not set yourself up for drama/abuse and then remain in it once it gets started online!

Unless you were born under a rock and stayed there, there are a WHOLE lot of issues that are repeatedly brought up online in order to give perpetrators of drama and subsequent abuse (and their targets!)  a format in which to form traumatic bonds with one another.  This is never a good plan.  Everyone knows how to start a fight anyway, let alone online.  Even if posted one word on my Facebook today:  "Trump" -- how would you respond to that?  What if, instead, I posted the word "Biden" ?  See what I mean?  We know what to post in order to get the party started---even when the party will not be a good one!  

When someone falsely accuses you or harshly judges you by virtue of posts you originate and/or respond to, it's time to truly check yourself before you wreck yourself---or someone else in that process.  I am totally for speaking truth, but there are many times that once you choose to speak it...you do NOT stick around and wait to see what comes back at you.  That's what bouncing and blocking are for, after all!

4.  If you are a minor (under the age of 18), DO NOT EVER agree to "go to" or "meet up" with someone you only know from your "online" interactions!

This bears worth repeating and is most definitely the most important point of today's blog post.  Can I tell you about the time a high schooler I saw in treatment "met" an older student at another school "online"?  He groomed her of course, in spite of just being two years older than she.  One day, he suggested that he come over to her house while her mother was still at work.  He did.  He also came with his "cousins" (two other males) to her house.  Because she was embarrassed about them just standing there on her front porch, she let them in.  I won't tell you the rest, but the worst did happen.  Before the sentencing, I did assist her in writing her victim impact letter to address the court.  She actually thought to start her letter with "Dear...(Perpetrators of My Abuse)".  That's  how disconnected she was from the trauma she endured at their hands.  DO NOT EVER agree to "go to" or "meet up" with someone you only know from your "online" interactions!

5.  Social Media is "not" real life.  Get out there and "do" your own real life.  If you don't, you may find that your electronics "own" you mind, body, and soul rather than the other way around!

This is a more common phenomenon for Gen Z...who were born with the electronics literally in their own and their family's faces since birth.  Look around you today when you are out and about.  You see two year olds in shopping carts these days with their mom's cell phone as entertainment!  Since Gen Z was most adversely affected by Covid, they have also learned to be and remain isolated from "real" socializing in "real" life.  So---we have a lot to work through on their behalf!  Real life matters.  (A new tagline for their generation!)

Yep, "Real Life Matters!"

Until next post....

What About Our Kid(s)?

The dog walker of former celebrity couple Jason Sudeikis ("Ted Lasso") and Olivia Wilde ("Don't Worry Darling") recently wrote a hilarious essay about her time spent working as the family's dog walker for "Gordon Sudeikis Wilde".  In the essay, she stated that the breakup of this celeb couple was not a surprise, given Sudeikis' narcissistic bent as Lord and Master of the Manor.  Not that she put it that way exactly, because I'm paraphrasing here.  She became visibly upset when she found out that Gordon was being rehomed as part of the couple's split and in spite of the couple's two young children.  In a nutshell, this dog walking nanny had no idea that one of the funniest men on our planet allegedly functioned also as the "Great I AM!" within the four walls of his own household.  Olivia Wilde, by the way, moved on and over to singer Harry Styles after leaving Sudeikis.  Given that Styles is ten years younger than Olivia (she's 38, he's 28) and he's got that "Watermelon Sugar" up his sleeve besides---she seems to have transitioned quite well to her new life leaving Sudeikis in the dust (no pun intended there).

YET---Sudeikis and Wilde created two children together.  One is age 6...the other age 8.  How are THEY doing I have to wonder?  It's quite a shocking transition when one's mommy and daddy and beloved doggie are suddenly split apart from the only life these children have ever known.  How does that work?  There is nothing to suggest that the Sudeikis/Wilde children are being improperly cared for;  however Sudeikis did have Wilde served with custody-related documents while she was on stage speaking about her latest movie project earlier this year.  Was that a low blow?  Perhaps...but perhaps not.  What if, in fact, Ms. Wilde suffers from the same form of "Great I AM"-ness as her former boyfriend?  After all, there is that saying about water always finding its own level. 

Today's post isn't about this trio;  it's about any and all children caught in the cross-hairs of the adult drama that surrounds them.  What about your kid(s)?  What about your sister's kid(s)?  Your brother's kid(s)?  Your bff's kid(s)?  In today's world, there are an ungodly number of minor children who keep falling through those cracks of reality that the adults around them continue to ignore and/or minimize.  I've seen it countless times in my life and career.  Adults who are "too busy" "too stressed out" "too wasted" "too self-involved" etc. etc. to pay any close attention to what their own kid(s)' lives are actually like.  This is and remains the saddest commentary ever on how easy it is for us to forget about our child(ren) and the work of preparing them for adulthood in ways that do NOT include those heavy doses of neglect, trauma, drama, and confusion!

When I see what is termed "at risk" youth...there is generally a common theme that pops up within the first 2-3 sessions.  What is that theme?  The theme is wrapped up in statements like these:  "They don't know me...they don't want to know me...they don't care about me...they don't try to understand me.  He wants me to be something I have NO interest in!  She treats me like I'm invisible unless I'm doing something she wants from me."  

Well, if you are too busy as a parent to find out exactly "who" your child(ren) is/are, rather than focusing on what you expect him/her/them to become for your own sake...NO WONDER kids grow up to be anything BUT what you personally hoped for as their parent(s)!  

I remember a young girl many years ago whose father was hell-bent on making a basketball star out of her.  This kid was in 5th grade at the time.  She didn't want to "do" basketball and told both him and her mother she wasn't interested.  Her mother heard her;  her father did not.  In fact, he attached some pretty underhanded punishments to the mix if his daughter wasn't out there "practicing" in the driveway when he came home from work each day.  This couple ended up divorced by the time this young girl was in high school.  I ran into the mom years later after the divorce.  The first thing I asked her was "Is she into basketball at all these days?"  Mom laughed.  She said, "She hates all sports!"  Was I surprised?  Heck no I was NOT!  

Our kids are not objects.  We forget that.  When we are narcissistic enough, we actually believe our kids to be an extension of our "best" selves besides.  Have you ever seen the British classic "Hobson's Choice" on Tubi yet?  If not, you need to watch it this weekend!  It is probably the BEST film depicting a narcissistic and delusional father trying to control the lives and choices of his three unmarried daughters. Hobson is played by the infamous British character actor Charles Laughton.  Don't get me started on that guy's "real" life.  It was truly disgusting, but that's another post for another time.  

Let's put it this way, when all one has to spread around in one's own life and relationships are large piles of dung of one's own making....it is going to invariably get on to other people, including the child(ren) we claimed we would "never" hurt in such a way.  Good luck with expecting the best from our kids because of our own worst behaviors!

Our kids are gifts from God in case any of us have forgotten that fact.  They don't just grow up to be good and productive citizens of the planet because we (as their parents) blew them off, minimized their own difficult experiences navigating life around them, and focused on our own "stuff" more often than we did in encouraging, inspiring, and motivating them in an appropriate manner.  

And you wonder why Gen Z is so socially incompetent and isolated, with their heads stuck inside their electronic devices and/or virtual reality/video games/online sims games?  This, the generation that goes postal over the use of "words" that instantly brand you every name in the book but your own?  Talk about emotional dysregulation! How'd this happen?  I don't wonder.  Do you?

We have a lot of work to do parents.  Don't blow it.  You might end up with what you yourself  have become and still haven't corrected in your own life.  Just saying....

Until next post.