Toxic Codependency in Real Life..

I was talking with my hairdresser the other night.  She was telling me about a "type" of client she has noticed recently that disturbs her.  After she described what was happening with these clients and their children who have gone off to college since graduating high school...I had to create today's post.

"Oh, little Johnny is having such a hard time since he got to State...we door dashed him Taco Bell at midnight the other night because he is just working so HAAARRD on a project that was due the next day!"  What. The. Living. Hell?!

Yeah, and that's only the start...

So what's wrong with a couple of parents ordering Taco Bell for their son 75 miles away at midnight and having it door dashed to him in his dorm room?  Uh...if you can't figure out the answer to this question...you DO need to keep reading!

It's called toxic codependency.  It's called "OMG he/she/they can't live well enough without me!"  It's called "He/she/they are so dependent on my level of care...they do NOT know how to manage their own life without me!"  It's called "If I keep saving, rescuing, and "fixing" him/her/them when I decide to...I sure do feel good about myself at their own developmental expense!"

If you are one of these parents who is raising your kid to believe that they can't comfortably and accurately identify, analyze, and then solve their OWN problem(s) without your brand of CARE involved (which typically means you doing for them what they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves without you!)...you are crippling their ability to become functionally competent as a person.  Do you not realize that yet?  Are you that blinded by your own need to keep chasing after and experiencing your kid's acceptance, approval, and love?  Give me a break!

This would be like never teaching your kid how to speak English...but then expecting them to be forever grateful AND dependent on you for all the years spent doing all of their communication with others for them!  No, that's not love.  That's toxic codependency.  As I typed that, I had to chuckle. I still know families who do this as first-generation immigrants to this country.  Have you not met these folks yet?  The kids learn English in school...but have been trained to do all the "talking" in English for their parents who...in fact...never take the time to learn English because WHY SHOULD THEY?!  They have found their "interpretor" without even wondering how the interpretor feels about it!  Sheesh!

I don't know...maybe toxic codependency is one of those topics that parents actively avoid learning about because once they actually understand what it is---they would feel the deepest of genuine shame and guilt about how they have raised their child(ren) with it as a chosen relationship lifestyle!  Let me give you some examples of what adult children have shared in therapy to validate if what their parent/step parent(s) did was actually an act of genuine parental love and care versus genuine toxic codependency:

"My mother kept insisting to be in the delivery room when I was about to have our first baby.  I told her I felt very uncomfortable with that suggestion, but she wouldn't let up.  Eventually, I had to have my husband's mom serve as our bodyguard to keep her contained in the family waiting room the night I delivered..."

"My father told me that if I didn't give up on my idea of becoming a concept artist, he wasn't going to contribute a dime towards my college education.  So I got a job literally as a janitor on campus of my chosen school.  It took a while, but I was eventually offered full time work there and the tuition reimbursement benefit.  It took me way longer to get my degree, but at least I did it on my own instead of in the way my father tried to derail me."

"My parents hated my girlfriend.  She wasn't the right type for me they said.  They were rude to her everytime we went there together for family events.  Did I mention also that my mother would still invite my old girlfriend to these parties as if that was perfectly acceptable.  We finally figured out that it was best for us to not show up at all than to be disrespected and my girlfriend treated like a nobody."  

"My mother refused to go to our wedding because my fiance was divorced and had a four year old son.  She kept threatening to keep my wife and her son out of her will once we got married, which she certainly did do by the time she died 30 years later!"

"I know I go to my mother for everything.  Babysitting....what brand of dishwasher does she think I should get...what to do when I don't feel well or the baby is sick.  I understand I lean on her way too much for all my decisions, but I truly trust her.  I really do.  Am I a toxic codependent?"

"My husband ran around on me and did all sorts of bad things throughout our ten years together.  He kept telling me I was imagining things and was paranoid about what he did when we weren't together.  After I contracted an STI, he actually blamed it on me.  Because we had five children, I stayed.  After he got one of his girlfriend's pregnant and I got a letter from her about that, I still wonder who was the bigger toxic codependent person...him or me?

"My father used to weigh me every morning to make sure I didn't gain any weight as a model.  Did I mention it was while I was nude?  Did I mention he's a pastor?  Did I mention that after I got married I had a very hard time being sexual with my own husband?  My father is dead now, but I'm sure there's a special corner in hell that he occupies because of the ways he ruined me..."

"My parents can't handle me being away at college.  They really can't.  Either they have a crap marriage and I just never really noticed until now...or they don't have anything else to obsess about besides what I'm doing every day or night.  My father will randomly show up with these "care packages" of stuff I didn't even ask for, let alone need.  My mother is constantly texting me.  If I didn't know better, I would tell you they are addicted to me no kidding.  Are they addicted to me?"

As you may have been able to ascertain, toxic codependency rears its ugly head in all sorts of ways in our "important enough" relationships when it is present.  People are not equal.  People are never equal when we are enslaved by the codependent relationship lifestyle.  People are mere objects to use...or be used by. In fact, toxic codependency is never about genuine "love" and genuine "care";  it's about people addiction!  We become addicted to certain people in certain of our real or imagined relationships...and expect (or demand!) the same in return (that he/she/they become addicted to us!).

Wow, what a hot mess!

Next post, Part II of Toxic Codependency in Real Life...

Soulmate vs. Cellmate

Natasha Bedingfield wrote a song back in 2009 entitled "Soulmate".  When I heard it for the first time, I thought it was brilliant.  However, I also thought it perpetuated a belief that is not so easily realized while we are here on earth.  Think about all of the people you feel most closely connected to right now.  Your list may include your parent(s), your sibling(s), your child(ren), other extended family members...and then your "chosen" family of closest friends you've developed and cultivated throughout your life thus far.

Great!

Now, ask yourself "why" these individuals are the ones you feel most closely connected to.  It isn't enough to say "But he's my dad!" or "She's my wife!".  No, I am asking that you dive deeper than that.  What makes you actively love, and feel actively loved by, these folks?  And of that group you feel very close to, who among them are, in your own opinion, worthy of "soulmate" status...?

So let's talk about what constitutes the foundational elements that make for best friendship and/or "soulmate" status between any two people.

"Rosie" fell for "Nico" as soon as she first met him in high school math class.  He was darkly handsome, seemed very friendly as she observed him in class, and even smiled at her when they made eye contact that first day.  Of course, Nico was unaware of Rosie's thought life, but there it was.  She was smitten.  For the next several weeks, Rosie made a point to say "Hi!" to Nico when she passed him in the halls or anywhere else on campus.  Rosie told her best friend "Jinco" that she felt Nico was her true soulmate.  "I just know he is;  nobody has ever made me feel this way before.  It's him.  He's the one I'm meant to be with for life.", claimed Rosie.

"Sam" met "Maria" at the restaurant where they both worked as servers.  Sam was married and 28 years old.  Maria was 16 and never had a boyfriend up to that point in her life.  Sam told his coworker "Phil" that he thought Maria was hot for a teenage kid and too bad he was married.  Phil warned Maria to stay away from Sam because he was a player by nature.  Maria thought it all a joke.  She had no idea how old Sam was, but it was gross to think someone so old would even notice her, let alone say something so weird to Phil about her.  And then Sam started doing Maria small favors at work.  He gave her his bigger tables when she didn't have any;  he ran her food for her when she got busy.  On her birthday, she found a $50 bill in her coat pocket with a small note stapled to it that said "You're the best!"  It wasn't signed, but that money wasn't there when she went to work earlier that day.  Over time....Maria started seeing Sam differently.  He was really nice!  He seemed to understand her.  He was becoming a good friend...

"DeeDee" and "Chuck" have lived together for the last ten years.  Chuck believes that DeeDee will not make it without him.  She doesn't have any savings, her car is always one step away from the junkyard, and she has no other family besides Chuck.  Both had met each other when they were homeless and living in a squat with three other people in Royal Oak.  At first, they helped each other out pooling the spare change they made panhandling.  Cigarettes for DeeDee one day....Red Bulls for Chuck the next.  It took them about a year to find a place that would hire both of them, but they did it.  They stayed working at that place until Chuck found a better job at a local factory. It took another year before he was able to get DeeDee a job at the same location.  Now, after ten years...Chuck is tired and feels like he merely exists from day-to-day with no real hope for his own future.  As for DeeDee, Chuck doesn't want to be responsible for her life falling apart without him.  "I'm her soulmate", says Chuck.  "Without me, she's toast."

"Drew" and "Missy" are about to get married.  Their wedding is planned for this Christmas.  "He loves me SO much!" states Missy.  "Nobody gets me better than Drew and I thank God everyday for him because we are so much alike in every way more than I ever dreamed possible!" she gushes.  Drew feels much the same about Missy.  "She makes me want to be a better man AND she loves football!", he says.  "I never was so motivated in my life to give her everything I can so we can be happy together for the rest of our lives."  When asked if they felt like each other's soulmate, they both instantly responded:  "YES!  Of course we are!"

Do the scenarios described above seem to contain the foundational elements that makes for best friendship status and, ultimately, soulmate status? What do you think?

Too often, we confuse the codependent relationship lifestyle with best friendship status.  Read some of my past blogs on codependency if you are not sure what that means.  In a nutshell, everyone is an object, nobody is an equal.  There is no real mutual respect.  Instead, everything between two people keeps getting reduced down to "Who is the giver now?" versus "Who is the taker now?".  There is no authentic and consistent honesty;  whatever is said or shared is for the purpose of getting what I want from you...and/or giving to you whatever you want so you will come to depend on me more than you do on yourself.  The relationship is highly transactional.  Loving sacrifice doesn't figure into anything with codependency except in the context of using it to gain control over or manipulate your chosen person or group.

When we are authentically best friends with someone, we both work consistently to understand...and to be understood...by each other.  We like/love and accept each other, warts and all, while at the same time understanding we are all works in progress until we die. We are all about living in the truth, not in the lies, delusions, catastrophic paranoid and fictional scenarios, and/or our own inflated and egocentric versions of reality.  When we disagree with each other, we always follow the (1) Discuss, (2) Mutually Understand, (3) Negotiate, and (4) Compromise method of solving and/or resolving our issues and problems.  There is no emotional hostage taking or standoffs involved.  We do our work to negotiate and compromise "everything" that requires it.  We work to achieve "win/win" outcomes for both parties involved rather than "win/lose", "lose/win", or "lose/lose".  And when we don't get what we want, we accept it as an act of loving sacrifice on our part and our chosen partner/friend/family member understands and acknowledges that act of loving sacrifice acccordingly...

We practice saying what we mean, mean what we say, don't say it mean, and say it on time always to the right person(s) we need to share our message(s) with.  We expect the same in return, always.

When we avoid doing the work of effectively communicating with others to share our authentic thoughts, feelings, beliefs, joys, sorrows, dreams, and heartbreaks....we can only attract future cellmates into our lives rather than people who truly care for themselves---and for us.

Take a peek into your own inner circle.  Who is there who encourages, inspires, and motivates you while respecting your freedom to choose your own path?  And how do you rate yourself given the people who would call you their own "best friend" and/or "soulmate"?  Are you worthy of that status?  Why or why not?  

Before you jump to describe yourself or someone you love and care about as a "soulmate", be sure you know what you are talking about.  Otherwise, you may be inflating your highly codependent relationship into something it is not---and can never be.

Until next post...