Being addicted to certain people in our lives...and/or being the object of addiction in the lives of certain others IS a difficult way to do our relationship life! Last post, I presented some hard truths about the codependent "giver" within each of us. This post, I am sharing what our inner codependent "taker" is most motivated by when we take from certain others who share codependent addiction status with us....
To be clear, we ALL have the codependent "giver" and "taker" lurking within in. We aren't just one way or the other, because everything depends on the person(s) we are dealing with in any given moment of our lives. You may be more of a "taker" in your relationship life involving your siblings who are older than you. Yet, you may function as a big-time "giver" to people you don't even really know that well, if at all. In this sense, a person can very easily function as "It's o.k. to take from my older siblings because what I want from them is very different from the people I don't know well at all but am willing to give to.."
Why is this? Well, since our "giving" is mainly motivated by our needs for approval, acceptance, and like or love from those we give to....our primary motivation for "taking" is very different! When we "take" from someone when we are codependent, we are mainly motivated by our needs for the following:
Power (Feeling of "control" over the person we are taking from..)
Pleasure (Feeling "good" about ourselves at the expense of the person we are taking from...)
Avoid Personal Responsibility(s) (Finding someone else to do our work we don't want to do!)
And there you have it! Codependent taking is all about getting what I want (from him, her, or them!) on demand....because I can! When I take, I want to feel powerful and in control, I want to feel pleasure, and I want to avoid my own personal responsibility(s). End of. That's why any of us take when we do from another person when we are codependent! In the scenario described above, this youngest sibling doesn't want or need the approval, acceptance, and love of her siblings MORE than she wants to feel power, pleasure, and the ability to avoid her own responsibility(s) when she "takes" from one or more of them. That's how this works. Easier to give to people who don't know us very deeply, because anyone receiving something they didn't expect from us, are going to be extremely "grateful" for what we do or have done for him/her/them. You've been there, haven't you? I know I have! The problems arise when our "giving" becomes a habit and we aren't receiving back that approval, acceptance, and like/love as we begin to expect consciously after so many incidences of giving, giving, and giving some more. That's how "givers" who are codependent ultimately burn out or walk out of their chosen "taker" person's life.
Interdependence is the alternative lifestyle for us as our cure for codependency. We are capable of carrying our own load of daily responsibilities; we don't spend time looking for others who will carry our daily load for us...and/or make us feel how we want to feel instantly enough.
With interdependence, people are not objects to use or be used by. People are equal. With interdependence as a relationship lifestyle, being HONEST about EVERYTHING is what is necessary to experience genuine "into me you see" intimacy at an emotional, spiritual, and/or physical level. People who are interdependent are also RESPECTFUL of themselves, and respectful of all others. Respect, in this context, means that both parties are clearly aware of the personal values/rules of conduct which guide their own personal and professional lives. Nothing anyone does represents "some secret thing" that, if exposed, would represent their personal and/or professional undoing. Like being a pedophile (now referred to, by the way, as "Minor Attraction Status" to take the sting out of describing adults who choose to prefer having sex with children.)
When will we ever learn?
Interdependence shows itself also when we are comfortable knowing how to say what we mean, mean what we say, not say it mean, yet say it on time and to the right person(s) involved on an ongoing basis to anyone and everyone. We are assertive enough. We are secure enough in our attachment status. We are as comfortable saying "No" to some person or group as we are saying "Yes". We really do know right from wrong, and we practice it in our daily lives. We don't succumb to the traps and snares of life as easily as we once used to because we are kinder and gentler to ourselves as a general rule.
In this moment, and in this current culture we inhabit, there are far too many of us who want our instant "fix" of feeling good as our default coping strategy in surviving life itself. We don't know what to do about what we don't know what to do.
Busting out from the codependent relationship lifestyle is a huge part of the healing and recovery process. Of course it is. Addiction to certain people is no different than addiction to certain drugs or other processes that we rely on to "feel good fast". We have to stop doing this to each other because we are NOT drugs or pleasure-based processes. We are people! When we can love people and use things instead of using people and loving things, we can recover and heal.
Until next post....