When Your Marriage is in Trouble (Part III in a Series)

Defensiveness is the second marital horseman of the apocalypse that has the power to kill one's marriage. 

No one would normally think of this behavior/behavioral pattern as being so impactful (in a bad way!), but it is.  Think about it.  Even as a kid, I can remember being the MOST upset when someone did something absolutely-and-without-a-doubt-WRONG....and then the little snot-rag came up with every excuse in the book to justify their actions AS WELL AS pointing the finger of authentic blame away from themselves!  I can recall a childhood friend of mine who made it her job to defend her every inappropriate action by convincing me it was all my fault.  Huh?!  Of course, being a kid what did I know other than to eventually believe her!  When I started to believe it was acceptable to introduce myself as "Hi I'm Mary and it IS my fault!"---I also realized something was starting to stink in Denmark...

Now imagine being married to someone who is more often defensive when discussing pretty much anything, than open and willing to LISTEN and UNDERSTAND what it is you are attempting to communicate?!  Defensiveness is a relationship killer because it is the "I HAVE TO BE RIGHT!" rule that controls anyone and everyone within spitting distance of him/her/them.  "Did you get gas for the car on your way home?" "Why should I?  I don't drive all day around in circles like you do."  "I'm just asking if you got gas, that's all."  "You know, this treating me like I'm your errand bi**ch has to end.  All you do from the time you wake up....(blah-de-blah blah!)...

Who believes that having to be right for who and what's sake leads to feeling safe, feeling loved, and feeling respected by another person?  Last time I checked, that would be no-body!  (Or, "I surely agree said no one ever!")  LOL

One doesn't get comfortable with being defensive in an attempt to make things right;  it's about being most motivated by BEING RIGHT no matter what the issue or topic is under discussion!  This isn't a prolonged game of chess, in case anyone thinks otherwise.  People aren't supposed to "practice" being right at and all costs for the purpose of character development!  People who have to "be" right all the time are a**holes, plain and simple.  They just are.  And maybe as you read this you are realizing that your spouse is like this...or your favorite child...or your cute little grandchild who isn't so little anymore.  Or, maybe even yourself.  Whatever the case, there IS help for turning this defensiveness habit around and living life more abundantly in the relationship department!

Imagine now if you had two parents who were both into being defensive.  Well, you know then!  You know what it was like to function as ICE for either of them in the middle of their knock down drag out fights!  You know what it was like to have to intervene so dad didn't knock the stuffing out of (whomever, whenever, and wherever) because now you stood between him and his intended target.  Well, this defensiveness stuff can lead to some pretty nasty outcomes, that is for sure!

In the end, we can learn to replace our defensiveness with a spirit of curiosity and humility so that what we don't know---we can admit to it!  How about that as behavioral step in a right direction?  Nobody is God.  Least of all some human who is targeting you (or me!) as their next "subject" or "idol" of worship.  Stop.  Just stop.  Be present.  Be grateful.  Be real.  That's where it all begins in helping yourself get off that dead horse that you keep trying to ride...

Next post, all about Contempt!

  

When Your Marriage is in Trouble (Part II in a Series)

Can I just start out today's post by saying that hope really does spring eternal for those couples who genuinely commit themselves to marital restoration and harmony.  It is NOT an impossible dream rarely realized.  Today's blog post is about the four horsemen of the marital apocalypse (John Gottman coined that phrase, so I can't take credit for it!) which has to do specifically with the four behavioral patterns that are sure to kill any hope of reconciliation, repair, and restoration of one's marriage.  So let's begin with the first horseman:  Criticism!

Criticism.  All communication between any two people needs to be most motivated by curiosity and care...NOT criticism.  Yet we didn't have to go to school to learn about this particular brand of communication that can so easily morph into a relational pattern in both life and marriage.  When do you remember first being repeatedly targeted by someone else's unsolicited criticism?  Now think about "who" it was who doled out that consistent criticism aimed in your direction.  And how is that relationship working for you now if that other person is still alive?  Along the same lines, when do you first remember being overtly and consistently critical of someone else?  Did you drink that Kool Aid about how being critical towards others was merely tied to encouraging he/she/they to know better, do better, and be better as a---student/athlete/worker/carer/golden child within one's family/sister/brother/grandchild etc. etc. etc.?  Puleeze!  If this is what it meant to pursue and then function within the spirit of "healthy competition" in your family or outside of it---now is the time to check yourself rather than wreck yourself and those around you!

Scrutinizing and criticizing are very close companions in the context of what all is involved to "get" to feeling comfortable about actively and harshly judging oneself and/or others.  We scrutinize someone for whatever purpose/motive....and then the negative criticisms seem to just flow like a river once we allow them to.  Constructive criticism is NOT what I am talking about here.  Don't confuse that with tearing down a person just because one chooses to do so.  With constructive criticism, the "critic" is asked to offer unvarnished feedback to assist their person with recognizing performance-based flaws/problems/opportunities for growth.  When scrutiny and criticism functions as a relational lifestyle, the critic is in it to feel better about themselves at the target's expense.  End of.  That's their motivation.  Not pretty.  Not helpful.  Not encouraging.  

As such, do you wonder why our three most recent generations have raised the giant Red Flags of "I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK!"  It's human nature to seek out acceptance, approval, and love from others!  We are created as relational beings!  Nobody likes or wants to be scrutinized, harshly judged, and then consistently criticized by ANYBODY!  Let alone when that "anybody" includes family members or life partners who are supposed to truly love us without a whole lot of specific conditions attached!

(Shout out to "S" whose husband "P" told her she was getting too fat and he might have to divorce her.  He did...found his Skinny Minny replacement wife...and "S" proceeded to lose 100 lbs. post divorce.  When "P" saw her at the gym years after the fact, his first words to her were this:  "If you looked like this, I never would have left.")  Like she cared about his opinion by then.  N-O-T!)

YET---for those of us who grew up in highly competitive and love-is-conditional-round-here types of households, and/or drank the Kool Aid about "We only raise WINNERS in this family!"...can you see how scrutiny and criticism can so easily get intertwined into the narrative of "This is what I have to do to function as a WINNER in my own life!"? 

Scrutiny (whether self or other-directed!) is when we BELIEVE we are observing someone objectively.  Wrong!  If that were the case, there would be no harsh judgements to attach to our observations.  We accept what is---and we move on.  Yet when combined with harsh judgment in the form of criticism as we relate to others---this is NOT a way to cultivate and maintain genuine emotional intimacy (into me you see!)!  

Refresher time:  there are three forms of intimacy:  Emotional, Spiritual, and Physical.  There is no ability to experience deep and authentic "connection" with another human being (understanding him/her/them as well as possible and vice versa!) unless there is EQUALITY, MUTUAL RESPECT, and HONESTY in all exchanges of information and care with one another.  How does scrutiny and ongoing criticism fit into that paradigm?  It doesn't.  There is NOT a married couple on this planet that would say to me in a session, "We just love scrutinizing and criticizing each other!  It's the glue that keeps us feeling love-bonded to each other!"  ROFLMAO!  Not!  

Instead of competing, instead of scrutinizing and then criticizing...let's start practicing cooperation to achieve our individual and mutually-agreed upon goals as a married couple?!  How about that?

However we learned to criticize ourselves and others...all this dysfunctional behavioral pattern achieves in the bigger picture of our lives is teach us how to CONDEM that which we choose not to accept.  Condemnation is the fruit from the tree that scrutiny and criticism built.  Time to chop down that damn tree and get move ourselves forward in a healthier and more mutually-satisfying direction.  How about it?

Next time, how DEFENSIVENESS works to kill a marriage...

Until next post...