Breaking Bad...Habits That Is

"The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing."  In her new book, "Making Good Habits" by Joyce Meyer, Meyer states that our habits represent appoximately 40% of what we do day in and day out.  Our habits are both good and bad.  Our good habits make us feel safe and in control;  they make us feel peaceful and happy.  Good habits also allow us to achieve personal and/or professional success, which leads to increased feelings of "I am worthy"-ness.  Our bad habits, on the other hand, accomplish the opposite.  Bad habits rob us of our joy, our peace, and they certainly prevent us from being and feeling successful.  Bad habits also make us feel bad about ourselves and who we are which, in turn, causes us to feel unsafe and out of control. 

The good news is that ANY bad habit can be broken, even those which have led to addiction and/or addictive behaviors.  As Meyer points out in her book, our culture of instant gratification is one of the reasons why we don't develop good habits in the first place.  She is right.  Now a days, we don't have to work very much if at all for something before we can actually have it.  Whatever we want "right now", we can pretty much get "right now" too.  On the way to my office the other day, I needed to cash a check, get something "quick" to eat, and pick up a few items at CVS.  Just fifty years ago, such a series of errands could involve hours or even a full day if the person in need didn't drive or own a car---and/or the bank, restaurant, and drugstore were on opposite sides of town from one another.  The other day, I could get what I wanted within 20 minutes thanks to Tim Horton's, my bank, and CVS all being located within the same strip mall!

Learning to quit working is as much of a habit as to work without quitting.  Vince Lombardi once said "Winning is a habit;  unfortunately, so is losing."  In spite of how easy it is to think "Boneyard's ribs!" one minute and go pick them up the next, we must recognize and learn (or re-learn!) how working for our own joy, peace, success, safety, and security IS worth the effort because WE are worth the effort.  Nobody else owes us a good moment or a good day;  nobody else owes us a good week, month, year, or lifetime.  Yet we DO owe all of these things to ourselves.  Being open, willing, and committed to working as a lifestyle choice comes to us from practice....and repeated practice...day after day.   We must be committed to the realization that work is not the enemy here, but our truest of friends.

Beyond this heartfelt and personal desire to "do" work as a new good habit we are developing, we need to also recognize procrastination for what it is.  As a wise someone once said, "Procrastination is suicide on the installment plan."  If you have goals and procrastination, you have nothing.  If you have goals and take action, you will have anything you desire.  Procrastination is the enemy of anyone's ability to break a bad habit and create a good new one.  As its own bad habit, procrastination can be broken when we replace it with being and becoming a "now" person;  one who does what needs to be done as soon as is possible.  This means that when you notice what you need to do to accomplish something that is the right thing to do, you do it as soon as you can.  For some, this is not a problem as they find great joy in beginning a project.  Yet as they get into actually working on it and sticking with it through to completion---well, that can lead to a whole other story.  The task suddenly looks enormous and it threatens to overwhelm.  It is at this point when I am reminded of the joke:  How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time that's how!  Procrastination often starts with what is literally a single "small" problem...but over time that small problem can easily morph into many small problems which eventually turn into bigger and bigger problems left undealt with.  Funny how we do that eh?  We can so easily go from "This is exciting!  I can do this!" to "Oh man, this is huge!  What have I gotten myself into?!" to "Forget it!  It's too much for me to focus on right now!" when in FACT that "thing" we need to do is just one relatively small thing to do so long as we do it NOW!  Over time, what we imagined as so bad in the beginning is really nothing compared to the elephant that got created by doing nothing about it for too long!  Nothing changes when nothing changes.  Procrastination never makes us feel good;  when we put things off, they aggravate us.  Becoming a "now" person and repeating this practice can take the power out of procrastination in our lives.

Having said all of this, I am aware that many of us who struggle with bad habits and our inability to break them may have pre-existing issues which work against our ability to be and function as a "now" person who works without interruption and sees things through to their completion.  Undiagnosed and untreated ADHD is one of these issues.  Instead of being appropriately diagnosed and treated with proper medication, many ADHDers will choose drugs and/or alcohol to "feel better fast".  That's kind of like trying to put out a raging fire with some gasoline on the one hand...or trying to revive an unconscious person with xanax on the other.  If you have or suspect that you have ADHD, get in to see a licensed psychologist (LLP or LP) and/or psychiatrist so you can be properly evaluated, tested, and treated.  Psychologists cannot prescribe any medications, but psychiatrists can.  ADHDers without proper treatment find themselves viewing everything they do in life as a series of huge elephants they have no interest in taking ANY bites from at all!

Part II of this discussion on Breaking Bad coming next post...

 
 

Fuzzy Endings....

Today's blog post is about fuzzy endings.  The fuzzy endings I am referring to here have nothing to do with cute animals or favorite pets.  Instead, I am talking about relationships that either end abruptly or fade away into oblivion because.....they just do!

The reasons why fuzzy endings occur begins by understanding the true nature of the relationship itself.  Some people get together because it is easy and convenient.  We work together...we are in the same class together...we are stuck in the same extended family together...your kid babysits my kid...we both love to play tennis at the same club...our sons are best friends...the list is potentially endless.  Since nothing stays the same forever, eventually the specific situation which brought two people together may change significantly.  You quit the job where we both worked, I dropped the class, you got divorced from my brother's cousin, my kid grew up, your developed tennis elbow, my son is now dating your son's ex girlfriend.  At this point, when the convenience aspect is removed, maintaining the relationship takes work.  Not everyone is into this type of work.  I may call you, you may call me...but after a while it just seems like another obligation.  We don't have "that much" in common anymore anyway.  You're boring.  I'm too chatty.  You moved to a nicer neighborhood.  I'm stuck in the same old apartment complex.  Life goes on.  The relationship fades.  Things end---fuzzily.

Fuzzy endings also occur because the expectations each person has for their "new" relationship are highly unrealistic, but full of hope, as many often are.  "He's SO funny; he makes me laugh ALL THE TIME!"  "She's SO thoughtful;  she does EVERYTHING for me."  No, what you got there is someone who is willing to entertain you for a while (and/or serve as your personal assistant) until they decide when the other shoe needs to drop and it becomes your turn to start giving back just as much.  Grant it, I'm still mystified by those who "chase" someone down for any number of years past year one...but that's just me.  However, I have seen far too many situations where once the "I dos" are spoken in front of the judge or pastor...that script can flip very quickly (the historic "giver" in the relationship suddenly relaxes and transforms into "I'll be the TAKER now!").  Not a good dynamic.  As I've mentioned before in several posts on the topic of codependency, everyone needs to function as EQUALS in their closest personal "love" relationships.  Without equality, forget it!  Fuzzy endings can happen without one or the other party even realizing what hit them until the other has found your replacement...

There is always, of course, the problem of "bad" (wrongful) behavior that can transform any relationship into a never-ending question mark.  Someone just told me the other day how a beloved father went to buy his small daughter some shoes one night, left the house, and never returned home.  She has carried this "What the heck happened to my dad..!??!" incident within her heart for the next 50 years.  She still doesn't know what happened to him!  A friend of mine's grandfather abruptly left his wife and daughters one day in favor of the neighbor down the street.  To say the scars of that choice hasn't left three generations of women secretly wondering about "what type" of man can or cannot be trusted is among the grandest of understatements.  When we are transgressed against, and that transgression "just happens" without any understanding of "why".....this type of scenario inevitably leads to major fuzzy endings.

Avoiding personal responsibility by communicating "what it is" that we need, want, feel, desire, dream of, are disappointed by, and feel hurt by is at the foundation of why fuzzy endings happen as they do.  People are too afraid to speak the uncomfortable truth;  people are too selfish to care about anyone else's feelings but their own, people are too focused in on their own pain than consider how it has affected those around them.  Fuzzy endings amount to no more than running away from personal responsibility and pretending that the past never even happened.  How sad is that?

Think about your own "fuzzy endings" and how many you have experienced in your own adult life?  If you have been through more than a handful, this may be the time to re-think what you are doing to avoid authentic intimacy (emotionally, spiritually, and/or physically) and maintain it with another person.  Not that we need the physical intimacy with anyone else other than our life partner, but you catch my drift.  (At least I HOPE you do! LOL!)  Emotional intimacy is the foundation of any "solid" and platonic friendship relationship;  without understanding or being understood---it can all go fuzzy before our very eyes.



 









 

To Be Broken....

"To be broken is no reason to see all things as broken."  Mark Nepo, author and featured guest on Oprah's "Super Soul Sunday" made this comment when I was watching the other day.  It caused Oprah to cry---and I mean really cry.  As Oprah attempted to compose herself, I kept thinking about how sad it is when we don't fully understand the meaning of Nepo's remark.  Today's blog post is my attempt to dig deep into this issue of broken-ness and why, indeed, to be broken IS no reason to see all things as broken....

Inanimate objects break constantly.  Depending on the fragility/stability of the item to begin with, the job of repairing that item when broken might occur quite easily----or can't ever possibly occur, period.  I am reminded of the "Growing Up Girls" figurines I began buying for our daughter when she was born.  I've accidently dropped so many of them over the years, one would think I needed them locked up rather than displayed openly.  Yet...every time one of those figurines broke, it was very easy to seamlessly fit the broken piece(s) back to where it originally belonged.  (Amazing what gorilla glue can do!)  On the other hand, dropping a piece of fine crystal on a cement floor---whole other story.  Once something is shattered into a million little pieces, no amount of gorilla glue or anything else is going to get it back together again.

We, as people, can be a lot like inanimate objects.  Robin Williams is a good example.  As a celebrated comedian and actor beloved by all for what seemed like forever---he turned out to be a lot more fragile than he himself or anyone else believed.  When he broke this last time, he let us all know there was no way anything or anyone was going to help put him back together again.  In his case, he was not only broken...but DID see all things as broken too.  Without true hope for his own future, he made a moment's decision leading to a lifetime of tragic consequence for those who loved him and were left behind.  I don't think Williams thought about all of the statistics which demonstrate the influence and impact a celebrity suicide has on others who will follow suit ("If he did it, then I can too..")  I don't think Williams thought about the immeasurable pain he would cause his children and extended family which would last up until the time of their own deaths.  I don't think Williams thought about much else in those moments before he hung himself other than feeling very broken---and seeing all else around him as ultimately broken as well.

Conversely, I am reminded of every survivor, both famous and anonymous, who have not allowed their experiences with feeling broken to break them completely.  There are millions of us who live every day with mental illnesses like bipolar disorder, schizoaffective disorder, major depression, and psychosis who choose live in hope rather than in despair.  There are millions of us who have survived horrific trauma and abuse and who have also chosen to live in hope rather than in despair.  This is not rocket science.  To be broken and to see all things as broken is to insult all that is good, right, true, and beautiful in this world---and in people.  Such a mindset additionally communicates to the world, "It really IS all about me and you (all) failed me!"  Wow.  What a message to stay stuck in...and/or kill oneself over. 

I don't mean to simplify all else that goes into the transformation from broken status to recovery status in any of our lives.  Yet, it all begins with finding and discovering our source(s) of authentic hope.  All the best doctors, self-help groups, books, and techniques don't mean diddly squat if one is blinded by one's own darkest shadow...and darkest thoughts. 

All things are not broken just because we feel broken when we do.  If this were true, humanity would extinguish itself pretty quickly.  Our problem is that when we refuse to extend our own arms out to ask for and receive real help when needed, we also reject the very principles that make true recovery and healing possible:  humility and gratitude.  Does real healing occur after 7 or 77 or 777 attempts at it?  I don't know.  Neither do you. 

Being broken doesn't signal the end of things;  in fact, it signals a new chance to make positive changes that fuel long-term healing and recovery.   Of course I am tremendously sad that Robin Williams and the others who went before him chose to do what they did to "solve" their problem of broken-ness.  It takes true courage to live and push past broken when we experience it.  It also takes real insight to understand how being broken is no reason to see all things as broken too....














 

Re-Enactments vs. Flipping Your Inner Scripts

If all the world is a stage, then we are one hell of an acting troupe!  One of the very first posts I had written stated my own belief that planet earth was the psychiatric unit of the universe.  So if we truly are actors on this stage called "life on earth"...then is it any wonder how we can get caught up in the fine art of re-enacting our same old scripts when we don't have any new material to work with?  I'm just sayin....

Re-enactments.  Besides the fact that we are creatures of habit, we are also creatures who keep repeating our same old patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving with others.  We don't know what we don't know except for these same old "scripts" we keep referring to in our own minds as we walk through our days, weeks, months, and years.   Discovering and understanding how our scripts got there and who put them there is another part of the healing and recovery process;  one of the reasons why looking back at the past can be an important part of the psychotherapeutic process.  If everything we go through has a lesson attached, how are we going to flip our own inner scripts if we don't even recognize what those lessons are from our past?  I'm just sayin....

There's a certain way we think, feel, and behave when we meet or initially interact with people we hope to impress. (Let yourself think about that one as you have your lunch today!)  Then there's another certain way we think, feel, and behave when we meet or intially interact with people who hope to impress us.  Listen, this isn't rocket science folks.  How we are on any given day has a lot to do with our own inner script(s) we use and have relied on for years that keep playin' themselves out in our own heads---and in our own lives.

Let's take a look at Phillip.  Phillip is a man who has, on the surface, always been a "flirt" with women.  The reason why Phillip sought out psychotherapy was because he scared himself by having "feelings" for one of his younger female cousins whom he helped to raise.  When Phillip's wife heard Phillip speaking inappropriately and publicly to his own cousin for the fifth or sixth time, she was the one who demanded that Phillip "go see someone and straighten yourself out!"  Phillip is in his late 60's;  Phillip's female cousin is 42. 

Through therapy, Phillip recognized how he has a very difficult time treating women as equals.  His own mother had a 25-year long affair with a neighbor while Phillip was growing up.  In spite of Phillip's father being right there and sharing the same household with his wife and son, Philip's father remained silent about this particular issue.  Phillip learned from his mother's own inner script that people are merely objects to be exploited so long as the exploiter's needs are being satisfactorily met.  He learned from his father that anything could be avoided if you practiced at it long enough. 

With Philip, he translated everything he witnessed about "love" during his childhood into his present lifestyle's choices.  For one thing, he had an ongoing need to prove to himself (and to the women he met) that he was attractive to them.  Phillip's interpretation of "attractive" means that he himself would think and feel that the woman he is meeting and/or speaking to "wants" him in some capacity.  Grant it, Phillip isn't truly interested in getting to know and understand ANY woman very deeply, other than as a potential conquest who "wants" him when all is said and done.  This is one of the running inner scripts in Phillip's own mind that he has re-enacted for not just years---but decades---in his "interactions" with women.

Funny though how Phillip doesn't re-enact this dynamic with women his own age or with women he perceives as "too smart for me".  Phillip, in a word, is extremely transparent.  He wants to think and feel "wanted" by women as much as humanly possible. If Phillip were truly an actor or celebrity in Hollyweird, he'd be Rudolph Valentino---or he'd be Ron Jeremy (a past-it male porn star).  Very sad.  Phillip wouldn't even be able to count the number of times he has re-enacted this dynamic in his "experiences" with women from the time he was just a kid.  And yes, before you wonder, Phillip has had a string of one-night stands with a variety of women over the course of his forty-year marriage.  Hence, the Ron Jeremy reference.  Phillip figured that since he never got to "know" any of his own sexual conquests, it really didn't count as "having an affair" like his mother did for 25 years' worth.

I have had many clients over the years who have re-enacted how they are in life with me in the therapeutic setting.  This is part of how the therapeutic process works.  I get to witness what my clients think, say, and do au natural when they are authentically stressed out...when they feel vulnerable...when they are angry.  Basically I see the nature and extent of any given inner "script" they possess in their minds and hearts.  My job is to help them notice what they are doing in their own attempts at acting and re-enacting specific types of situations and circumstances to satisfy whatever need(s) they have within themselves. 

I know this may sound a bit too deep for some to digest, but it is what it is.  We call it transference when it goes on between a client towards their psychotherapist.  And, when a therapist plays back his or her own "real" reactions to client transference, we call that counter-transference.  Oh by the way, psychotherapists who consistently avoid noticing their own counter-transference are at risk of crossing the line with one or more of their clients.  We have all heard the horror stories of psychotherapists who ended up dating and then marrying past or present clients....exploiting clients for personal gain....or even hiring clients to do their dirty work out in the world.  I know of one situation where the therapist was conducting marital therapy for a couple---hooked up with the husband behind his wife's back---then took off to another state far far away to start over their lives as the "new" man and wife.  And no, she isn't a practicing psychotherapist anymore---but a very successful public speaker who jumped fields fasterthanyoucanreadthissentence.  Go figure.

As you can see, as far as this re-enacting dynamic goes:  it can happen to anyone at anytime and anywhere.  So perhaps the time is now to think about what internal scripts you are re-enacting in your own life repeatedly---and why.  And when you are ready to consider flipping your inner scripts to create a healthier and more functional "you"....consider giving me a call.

Until next time....