Toxic Codependency in Real Life..

I was talking with my hairdresser the other night.  She was telling me about a "type" of client she has noticed recently that disturbs her.  After she described what was happening with these clients and their children who have gone off to college since graduating high school...I had to create today's post.

"Oh, little Johnny is having such a hard time since he got to State...we door dashed him Taco Bell at midnight the other night because he is just working so HAAARRD on a project that was due the next day!"  What. The. Living. Hell?!

Yeah, and that's only the start...

So what's wrong with a couple of parents ordering Taco Bell for their son 75 miles away at midnight and having it door dashed to him in his dorm room?  Uh...if you can't figure out the answer to this question...you DO need to keep reading!

It's called toxic codependency.  It's called "OMG he/she/they can't live well enough without me!"  It's called "He/she/they are so dependent on my level of care...they do NOT know how to manage their own life without me!"  It's called "If I keep saving, rescuing, and "fixing" him/her/them when I decide to...I sure do feel good about myself at their own developmental expense!"

If you are one of these parents who is raising your kid to believe that they can't comfortably and accurately identify, analyze, and then solve their OWN problem(s) without your brand of CARE involved (which typically means you doing for them what they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves without you!)...you are crippling their ability to become functionally competent as a person.  Do you not realize that yet?  Are you that blinded by your own need to keep chasing after and experiencing your kid's acceptance, approval, and love?  Give me a break!

This would be like never teaching your kid how to speak English...but then expecting them to be forever grateful AND dependent on you for all the years spent doing all of their communication with others for them!  No, that's not love.  That's toxic codependency.  As I typed that, I had to chuckle. I still know families who do this as first-generation immigrants to this country.  Have you not met these folks yet?  The kids learn English in school...but have been trained to do all the "talking" in English for their parents who...in fact...never take the time to learn English because WHY SHOULD THEY?!  They have found their "interpretor" without even wondering how the interpretor feels about it!  Sheesh!

I don't know...maybe toxic codependency is one of those topics that parents actively avoid learning about because once they actually understand what it is---they would feel the deepest of genuine shame and guilt about how they have raised their child(ren) with it as a chosen relationship lifestyle!  Let me give you some examples of what adult children have shared in therapy to validate if what their parent/step parent(s) did was actually an act of genuine parental love and care versus genuine toxic codependency:

"My mother kept insisting to be in the delivery room when I was about to have our first baby.  I told her I felt very uncomfortable with that suggestion, but she wouldn't let up.  Eventually, I had to have my husband's mom serve as our bodyguard to keep her contained in the family waiting room the night I delivered..."

"My father told me that if I didn't give up on my idea of becoming a concept artist, he wasn't going to contribute a dime towards my college education.  So I got a job literally as a janitor on campus of my chosen school.  It took a while, but I was eventually offered full time work there and the tuition reimbursement benefit.  It took me way longer to get my degree, but at least I did it on my own instead of in the way my father tried to derail me."

"My parents hated my girlfriend.  She wasn't the right type for me they said.  They were rude to her everytime we went there together for family events.  Did I mention also that my mother would still invite my old girlfriend to these parties as if that was perfectly acceptable.  We finally figured out that it was best for us to not show up at all than to be disrespected and my girlfriend treated like a nobody."  

"My mother refused to go to our wedding because my fiance was divorced and had a four year old son.  She kept threatening to keep my wife and her son out of her will once we got married, which she certainly did do by the time she died 30 years later!"

"I know I go to my mother for everything.  Babysitting....what brand of dishwasher does she think I should get...what to do when I don't feel well or the baby is sick.  I understand I lean on her way too much for all my decisions, but I truly trust her.  I really do.  Am I a toxic codependent?"

"My husband ran around on me and did all sorts of bad things throughout our ten years together.  He kept telling me I was imagining things and was paranoid about what he did when we weren't together.  After I contracted an STI, he actually blamed it on me.  Because we had five children, I stayed.  After he got one of his girlfriend's pregnant and I got a letter from her about that, I still wonder who was the bigger toxic codependent person...him or me?

"My father used to weigh me every morning to make sure I didn't gain any weight as a model.  Did I mention it was while I was nude?  Did I mention he's a pastor?  Did I mention that after I got married I had a very hard time being sexual with my own husband?  My father is dead now, but I'm sure there's a special corner in hell that he occupies because of the ways he ruined me..."

"My parents can't handle me being away at college.  They really can't.  Either they have a crap marriage and I just never really noticed until now...or they don't have anything else to obsess about besides what I'm doing every day or night.  My father will randomly show up with these "care packages" of stuff I didn't even ask for, let alone need.  My mother is constantly texting me.  If I didn't know better, I would tell you they are addicted to me no kidding.  Are they addicted to me?"

As you may have been able to ascertain, toxic codependency rears its ugly head in all sorts of ways in our "important enough" relationships when it is present.  People are not equal.  People are never equal when we are enslaved by the codependent relationship lifestyle.  People are mere objects to use...or be used by. In fact, toxic codependency is never about genuine "love" and genuine "care";  it's about people addiction!  We become addicted to certain people in certain of our real or imagined relationships...and expect (or demand!) the same in return (that he/she/they become addicted to us!).

Wow, what a hot mess!

Next post, Part II of Toxic Codependency in Real Life...

Soulmate vs. Cellmate

Natasha Bedingfield wrote a song back in 2009 entitled "Soulmate".  When I heard it for the first time, I thought it was brilliant.  However, I also thought it perpetuated a belief that is not so easily realized while we are here on earth.  Think about all of the people you feel most closely connected to right now.  Your list may include your parent(s), your sibling(s), your child(ren), other extended family members...and then your "chosen" family of closest friends you've developed and cultivated throughout your life thus far.

Great!

Now, ask yourself "why" these individuals are the ones you feel most closely connected to.  It isn't enough to say "But he's my dad!" or "She's my wife!".  No, I am asking that you dive deeper than that.  What makes you actively love, and feel actively loved by, these folks?  And of that group you feel very close to, who among them are, in your own opinion, worthy of "soulmate" status...?

So let's talk about what constitutes the foundational elements that make for best friendship and/or "soulmate" status between any two people.

"Rosie" fell for "Nico" as soon as she first met him in high school math class.  He was darkly handsome, seemed very friendly as she observed him in class, and even smiled at her when they made eye contact that first day.  Of course, Nico was unaware of Rosie's thought life, but there it was.  She was smitten.  For the next several weeks, Rosie made a point to say "Hi!" to Nico when she passed him in the halls or anywhere else on campus.  Rosie told her best friend "Jinco" that she felt Nico was her true soulmate.  "I just know he is;  nobody has ever made me feel this way before.  It's him.  He's the one I'm meant to be with for life.", claimed Rosie.

"Sam" met "Maria" at the restaurant where they both worked as servers.  Sam was married and 28 years old.  Maria was 16 and never had a boyfriend up to that point in her life.  Sam told his coworker "Phil" that he thought Maria was hot for a teenage kid and too bad he was married.  Phil warned Maria to stay away from Sam because he was a player by nature.  Maria thought it all a joke.  She had no idea how old Sam was, but it was gross to think someone so old would even notice her, let alone say something so weird to Phil about her.  And then Sam started doing Maria small favors at work.  He gave her his bigger tables when she didn't have any;  he ran her food for her when she got busy.  On her birthday, she found a $50 bill in her coat pocket with a small note stapled to it that said "You're the best!"  It wasn't signed, but that money wasn't there when she went to work earlier that day.  Over time....Maria started seeing Sam differently.  He was really nice!  He seemed to understand her.  He was becoming a good friend...

"DeeDee" and "Chuck" have lived together for the last ten years.  Chuck believes that DeeDee will not make it without him.  She doesn't have any savings, her car is always one step away from the junkyard, and she has no other family besides Chuck.  Both had met each other when they were homeless and living in a squat with three other people in Royal Oak.  At first, they helped each other out pooling the spare change they made panhandling.  Cigarettes for DeeDee one day....Red Bulls for Chuck the next.  It took them about a year to find a place that would hire both of them, but they did it.  They stayed working at that place until Chuck found a better job at a local factory. It took another year before he was able to get DeeDee a job at the same location.  Now, after ten years...Chuck is tired and feels like he merely exists from day-to-day with no real hope for his own future.  As for DeeDee, Chuck doesn't want to be responsible for her life falling apart without him.  "I'm her soulmate", says Chuck.  "Without me, she's toast."

"Drew" and "Missy" are about to get married.  Their wedding is planned for this Christmas.  "He loves me SO much!" states Missy.  "Nobody gets me better than Drew and I thank God everyday for him because we are so much alike in every way more than I ever dreamed possible!" she gushes.  Drew feels much the same about Missy.  "She makes me want to be a better man AND she loves football!", he says.  "I never was so motivated in my life to give her everything I can so we can be happy together for the rest of our lives."  When asked if they felt like each other's soulmate, they both instantly responded:  "YES!  Of course we are!"

Do the scenarios described above seem to contain the foundational elements that makes for best friendship status and, ultimately, soulmate status? What do you think?

Too often, we confuse the codependent relationship lifestyle with best friendship status.  Read some of my past blogs on codependency if you are not sure what that means.  In a nutshell, everyone is an object, nobody is an equal.  There is no real mutual respect.  Instead, everything between two people keeps getting reduced down to "Who is the giver now?" versus "Who is the taker now?".  There is no authentic and consistent honesty;  whatever is said or shared is for the purpose of getting what I want from you...and/or giving to you whatever you want so you will come to depend on me more than you do on yourself.  The relationship is highly transactional.  Loving sacrifice doesn't figure into anything with codependency except in the context of using it to gain control over or manipulate your chosen person or group.

When we are authentically best friends with someone, we both work consistently to understand...and to be understood...by each other.  We like/love and accept each other, warts and all, while at the same time understanding we are all works in progress until we die. We are all about living in the truth, not in the lies, delusions, catastrophic paranoid and fictional scenarios, and/or our own inflated and egocentric versions of reality.  When we disagree with each other, we always follow the (1) Discuss, (2) Mutually Understand, (3) Negotiate, and (4) Compromise method of solving and/or resolving our issues and problems.  There is no emotional hostage taking or standoffs involved.  We do our work to negotiate and compromise "everything" that requires it.  We work to achieve "win/win" outcomes for both parties involved rather than "win/lose", "lose/win", or "lose/lose".  And when we don't get what we want, we accept it as an act of loving sacrifice on our part and our chosen partner/friend/family member understands and acknowledges that act of loving sacrifice acccordingly...

We practice saying what we mean, mean what we say, don't say it mean, and say it on time always to the right person(s) we need to share our message(s) with.  We expect the same in return, always.

When we avoid doing the work of effectively communicating with others to share our authentic thoughts, feelings, beliefs, joys, sorrows, dreams, and heartbreaks....we can only attract future cellmates into our lives rather than people who truly care for themselves---and for us.

Take a peek into your own inner circle.  Who is there who encourages, inspires, and motivates you while respecting your freedom to choose your own path?  And how do you rate yourself given the people who would call you their own "best friend" and/or "soulmate"?  Are you worthy of that status?  Why or why not?  

Before you jump to describe yourself or someone you love and care about as a "soulmate", be sure you know what you are talking about.  Otherwise, you may be inflating your highly codependent relationship into something it is not---and can never be.

Until next post...

Resisting Positive Change(s)... (Part II in a Series)

Last post, we read about Geoff who was resisting the change associated with working less and being more available to his wife and family on a regular basis.  After five years of clocking in between 70-91 hours each week, Geoff's wife Judie finally had enough.  She decided to move out and file for a legal separation.

In Geoff's mind, it was very easy to justify his excessive devotion to work.  "The guys are all decent and good people;  it's just that we are all expected to do too much and managment isn't budging..."  Yeah, and?  Geoff cannot see how his work situation has eroded away at Geoff's ability to regulate his own emotions once he leaves the plant to go home at night.  "I know I can be crunchy, as my wife likes to call it, but she's gotta understand I'm working non-stop while I am there and I need my home to be my safe zone."  Judie agrees with Geoff on this point, yet reminds him that she's not exactly sitting around eating bon bons all day herself.  "I don't know if he doesn't understand what I do at my job...or if he just doesn't care", states Judie.  "I mean, I tell him I hate what I do too lots of times...but for some reason him hating his job when he does is more of a big deal to him than when I tell him I'm hating my job!"

Good point Judie!

Ultimately, Geoff and Judie's problem had to do with a couple of things:  (1) an overly codependent relationship lifestyle and (2) ineffective interpersonal communication.  To "solve" their shared problem here, their therapist suggested that Geoff start by taking his earned (and unused) vacation time to take off one week each month to the end of the year.  At first Geoff balked at the suggestion.  "What do you mean?  We don't have any vacation plans!  What am I supposed to do if I'm not going anywhere on vacation?"  Yeah, that was your therapist's point Geoff!  The ability to spend not just one day, but several, without having an "agenda" to pursue minute by minute, hour by hour.  Reminding Geoff of Judie's recent decision to move out, perhaps spending some quality time with her during his first week's "vacation" would help open the doors to practicing more effective communication between them as a couple.  Their therapist also recommended that they practice a series of skills-building exercises to improve their "acceptance-based" versus "rejection-based" responses when communicating to one another.

It was also recommended that Geoff begin attending weekly W.A. meetings (Yep, there is a 12-step program for workaholics called Workaholics Anonymous!) in his area.  Once Geoff read "The Twenty Questions" online to determine whether or not he had a problem with workaholism...he made his decision.  Here are W.A.'s Twenty Questions:

1.  Are you more drawn to your work or activity than close relationships, rest, etc.?

2.  Are there times when you are motivated and push through tasks when you don't even want to and other times when you procrastinate and avoid them when you would prefer to get things done?

3.  Do you take work with you to bed?  On weekends?  On vacation?

4.  Are you more comfortable talking about your work than other topics?

5.  Do you pull all-nighters?

6.  Do you resent your work or the people at your workplace for imposing so many pressures on you?

7.  Do you avoid intimacy with others and/or with yourself?

8.  Do you resist rest when tired and use stimulants (like coffee, soda, adderall, etc.) to stay awake longer?

9.  Do you take on extra work or volunteer commitments because you are concerned that things won't otherwise get done?

10.  Do you regularly underestimate how long something will take and then rush to complete it?

11.  Do you immerse yourself in activities to change how you feel or to avoid uncomfortable feelings such as grief, anxiety, shame, guilt, and/or loneliness?

12.  Do you get impatient with people who have other priorities besides their own work?

13.  Are you afraid that if you don't work hard all the time, you will lose your job and/or be viewed as a failure?

14.  Do you fear success, failure, criticism, burnout, financial insecurity, or not having enough time?

15.  Do you try to multitask to get more done?

16.  Do you get irritated when people ask you to stop doing what you are doing in order to do something else?

17.  Have your long hours caused injury to your health or important-enough relationships?

18.  Do you think about work or other tasks while driving, conversing, falling asleep, or sleeping?

19.  Do you feel agitated when you are idle and/or hopeless that you'll ever find or be able to achieve work/life balance?

20.  Do you feel like a slave to your emails, texts, social media, and/or other technology?

If you answered "yes" to three or more of these questions, you may be a workaholic.  Relax, you are not alone.  Many have found recovery through the W.A. fellowship.

Geoff actually answered "yes" to not just 3...but to 16 of the questions presented above.  Once this revelation hit Geoff square between the eyes, his resistance to getting help regarding the positive change process lessened.

W.A. meetings are held both in person and online through several platforms all around the world.  Geoff committed himself to one meeting each week to start.

Resisting positive changes comes easier than actually taking action to practice positive change.  Yet, as I have stated many times in my blog, "When nothing changes, nothing changes."

Geoff has begun his journey to getting and doing better as a person for his own sake--and the sake of his family.  Maybe you should too.

Until next post.... 

 

Resisting Positive Change(s)...(Part I in a Series)

We already know that nothing stays the same forever.  Or at least I hope we do.  Everytime I come across clients who eventually admit to a resistance concerning lifestyle change(s), I do understand how upsetting it can be to face this uncomfortable reality of one's own life.  It's not easy to make changes of any kind when change keeps being perceived as more threatening and/or frightening rather than freeing.  After all, the very idea of "making positive changes" can be extremely challenging when human nature is so highly adverse-vigilant.  Given our collective thought life, 90% of what we think about today, we thought about yesterday.  And 80% of that content we thought about yesterday and today is still negative in nature!  In many ways, we are more doomed to transmit our unresolved pain onto others than we are to be transformed by it by embracing and practicing the positive change process!

This resistance towards change is complicated when someone we love and care about starts making their own positive changes---and we don't like it!  Talk about "?!?!?!" moments!  I find this dynamic to be extremely common for individuals who finally get and remain sober.  We all like to believe that sobriety is universally celebrated once it occurs.  No, not always.  In fact, many partners and/or other family members become threatened by their newly-sober-statused love one.  "He was actually nicer to me when he was high..", "..she didn't bug me so much about stuff that needing doing around the house..", "He was more managable when he was wasted;  now he just talks too damn much!"

Yep, it can be like that too when it comes to the change process and how we respond to it...

So let's take a look at "Geoff" and his journey involving the lows and highs of his own positive change process...

Geoff works a lot.  Now in his late 50's, Geoff clocks in between 70-91 hours each week at a job he's had for the past five years.  Given that Geoff works in the manufacturing industry and his primary job is to make sure nothing interrupts and/or stops the line,  Geoff often deals with unwanted and unexpected catastrophies both major and minor on a daily basis.  According to Geoff, "I'm Mr. Fixit."  When pressed, Geoff says the primary problem at his job is that he doesn't have enough "help", which translates to Geoff having to fix, rescue, and/or save the plant from potentially disasterous consequences on an ad hoc basis.  "I keep asking, but managment keeps telling me they're still working on hiring more people for my department", claims Geoff.  For Geoff, his typical day is to get to work by 4:30AM and then leave around 5:30PM when things are going smoothly enough.  "I've had a few times where I was out of there by 2 or 3PM, but that's been rare", states Geoff.

Geoff, I might add, is paid for his overtime.  As such, Geoff is in essence working more than two full-time jobs given the hours he is putting in every week, every month, and every year.  Geoff doesn't mind making all that extra money;  he's got a great 401K going.  It may be difficult for some to lead this kind of life, but for Geoff, he claims to be used to it and actually enjoys it when there are no fires to put out.

So, what's the problem here?

Geoff is not a single man.  Geoff is a son, a brother, a husband, a father, a grandfather, and a friend to all who know and love him.  Unfortunately, Geoff rarely gets to spend quality time with most everyone in his inner circle because...he is too busy working!

According to Geoff's wife "Judie", Geoff chose to go to work during times when his presence was more than necessary elsewhere.  "He missed out on so many important family events over the past 35 years I can't even begin to name them", she says.  "Our grandson had to get an emergency appendectomy when he was six and, instead of staying with us in the hospital while he was having the surgery, my husband decides he has to go to work and just left us there!"  Judie adds that Geoff doesn't seem to understand how little he can manage in his life outside of his chaotic work schedule and history.  

"He will go into work, tells me he hates every minute he spends feeling "stuck" there, and yet come back home 12 or 14 hours later and start yelling at me about where's his dinner or do we really need to fix the back deck it's so damn expensive, etc. etc.  In those moments I have felt like I'd rather be alone inside a hole in any wall than be cornered by him and blamed or shamed for God only knows what!"    

When asked about this, Geoff admits that when he is under tremendous stress at work, he finds it very difficult to cope with "even one more thing" when he leaves to go home.  Geoff doesn't seem to understand how stressful it is, however, for Judie to be married to someone whose behavior she cannot predict once he walks in through the back door.  "He will walk into the house and he's either a Sad Sack Poor Me....or he's itching to pick a fight." 

Although it may not seem that Geoff's primary issue has to do with resisting positive change, it does.  Geoff is a creature of not just habit...but of his own bad habit(s).  In spite of the moaning he has done about his job...he continues to do nothing to change his work situation for the better.  He hasn't cut back on his hours.  There is always another reason why he can't do that.  He hasn't sought a job transfer or opportunity somewhere else.  As Judie put it, "Geoff is really o.k. with working like he does so long as I serve as his comfort and joy the moment he walks into the house."  The problem is that Geoff can't make up his mind about whether to actually free himself up more than he has during the past five years---or not.  "What's the use?  She's not going to change how I want her to..."  Okay then.

What Geoff seems to repeatedly forget is that Judie also works a full time job while trying to maintain connections to her family with or without Geoff...as well as with Geoff's family and her own family of origin.  "I am not allowed to have any bad days, because if I do and bring up what happened to me when Geoff gets home after work...he goes off on me saying I'm "too negative".   What's the point of staying married if I can't even talk to my husband about what goes on in my life when  I have my own bad day?  Judie has a point.

Deep diving a bit into Geoff's background, we learn that Geoff's father was absent much of the time during Geoff's childhood.  His job took him out of town four days a week.  Ding ding buzz buzz!  Also, Geoff's mother was very angry very much of the time when Geoff's dad wasn't home.  Much of her anger was directed at her son Geoff. Double ding ding buzz buzz!  Then, when Geoff's dad was home, he didn't spend much time with Geoff and certainly didn't validate Geoff about much of anything that Geoff did which was positive.  "I was on the football team, but he never showed up to any of my games.  He knew, however, how to muster up the energy to fight with my mother nearly every night when he was home on the weekends..." states Geoff.  Also, Geoff remembers his father constantly calling Geoff a "Nagging Nelly" because of all the complaining Geoff did to his dad once his dad was home for the weekends.

Just as Geoff's dad was a creature of his own dysfunctional and "bad" habits, Geoff learned the same pattern in his own life before meeting and marrying Judie.  As Geoff's dad didn't do much else besides travel away from home for his entire business career, Geoff can't imagine working somewhere for "only 40?!" hours each week.  And as Geoff's dad died with a whole lot of money that he never got to enjoy himself or with his family, Geoff keeps complaining about how much things cost as he continues to stockpile $$$ for a retirement dream still another decade away. Last but certainly not least, what dad said to Geoff, Geoff now says to his wife whenever she brings up "her" stuff that she wants to discuss and resolve with her husband when he's home with her.

Instead of practicing an appropriate form of "work detox", Geoff found it too stressful.  "My therapist suggested that I cut my workday down each day by a minimum of two hours for 30 days.  If I cut it down by more than two hours, that was o.k. too...but the key was to keep track of my hours each day for 30 days at first."

When Geoff got through his first 30 days of "work detox", he was surprised to find that his total number of hours "cut" didn't meet the minimum suggested by his therapist.  "I thought for sure I would be around 120 or higher---instead I didn't even hit 50."

Geoff began to recognize that his "work" was his primary addiction that he did not want to change, in spite of Judie deciding to move out and pursue a legal separation.  

Next post, Part II of "Resisting Positive Change..."