My Uncle is Dying (Part II)

Facing my uncle alone for the first time was quite daunting considering it was just two weeks ago.  Without my aunt to run continuous interference, I know I was afraid in advance of even leaving my house to visit him!  What if he treated me the same way he treated her privately?  What if he gave me a look or said something like, "Why are you here?  Go away!"  Not that I could say I cared at this late date in his life...but these things did cross my mind.

Prior to actually going to see him, I was very VERY anxious.  I began asking for prayer support about a week before I thought I needed to finally relent and see him face-to-face.  So I asked a Bible study group I am in to begin praying for him and for our family;  I then asked several friends to be praying.  I also asked a physical therapist I befriended these past few months who turned out to be a youth pastor at his church.  Inotherwords, I asked for a LOT of prayer!

I had no idea what or when or how I would feel it was "o.k." timing-wise to go and see him.  He happened to be in the hospital after suffering complications for a medical issue identified at the rehab facility he was in.  So---after physical therapy last Saturday, I just came home and informed my husband I was going to the hospital to see him.  Right then.  Didn't even know then if I was doing the absolutely right thing in that moment---but I was pulled more towards going than I was into staying home.

So I went.  And when my uncle saw me, he was clearly shocked and surprised.  He asked where my aunt was (that would be at home! LOL!)...but then I just sat down close to him and suddenly found myself saying things I really never thought I would say to him EVER in my life.  Stuff like, "I know you had a rough life coming up uncle B".  Stuff that really dug deep into uncle B's past wounds, traumatic experiences, and damage.  I didn't know how or why, but suddenly uncle B started to cry.  I actually felt bad for him.  Like sorry for him for real.  Like oh my God this is like any other guy who thinks he knew how to live without any help from God and now gets it about how his choice screwed up his life and relationships royally!

To say I left there feeling exhausted is like saying I like my age spots.  I was completely and utterly worn out.  It really is hard having to present even harder truths to someone when they are 3/4 the way dead and both of you know that their own future eternity may not actually be as bright as once assumed!

I have visited my uncle twice more since that first visit and feel very hopeful about his future.  I believe he is coming to a clear understanding of what he can do to obtain inner peace before leaving this world and entering the next.  I also know his tears are not just for himself...but some of them are for me and the relationship he knows we never had.  Which is a good thing.  Tears are very cleansing and when it comes to the condition of one's soul----lots of tears can accomplish a lot of cleansing!

Until next time....

My Uncle is Dying...

My uncle is dying.  He's been dying for a while now (about three months' worth)...but he is also 97 and 3/4 years old so---wth?  (I'd type what I really wanted to say there...but I am trying to keep this blog PG-related as I work my way into 2012!) 

ANYWAY, my uncle's impending death has brought up MANY MANY old feelings (of mine) as I was first introduced to the man since my birth in 1956.  (He is my uncle by marriage;  he married my mother's only sister in the early 1950s...)  He and my aunt never had any children and uncle B actually retired the same year I graduated from high school.  Which was a long long a$$ time ago...

Uncle "B" was not scary as I was growing up...but he wasn't normal either.  Very continental...very polite..."foreign".....a neat freak....handsomely tall and thin in a Gregory Peck kinda way (his era, not mine!)...extremely NONverbal.....and yet definitely into dancing (and his own country's music!) big time.  These would be considered the "as normal as you can get" qualities of Uncle B.  What I didn't see then, but I have heard about and seen for myself during these past three months are his "pathological" qualities (meaning the stuff he thinks, says, or does that is truly messed up and beyond repair!).  Now you have to know ahead of time that the vast majority of information "about" Uncle B as a person has always been and still is passed on to me via his wife, my only aunt.  Before my mother died in 2007, she ALWAYS had something to say about Uncle B when given the chance (and believe me, 99.999% of what she felt about Uncle B as a person was NOT good at all!)  Grant it, the majority of this stuff about Uncle B was told to me when I was a little kid and young person still trapped within my parents' household.  After I got kicked out at age 18 (by my mother of course!), my mother didn't talk so much about Uncle B to me anymore because I wouldn't let her.  (She was notorious for taking turns making either my uncle, my aunt, myself, my father, or my brother "the enemy" on any given day or time of day!) 

Back to my aunt---who is currently 87 years old.  Who is bent over like a pretzel.  Who has been in denial for 60 years as to the "type" of man she was truly married to besides.  Needless to say, my seeing Uncle B "alone" and having a one-on-one conversation with him didn't occur until---oh let's see.  Two weeks ago!  (When I first saw him "alone" in the rehab facility where he's been housed these past few months.)

To say I am the last person who should be seeing my uncle during his dying days is beyond understatement.  He was not a good uncle to me.  He wasn't even any uncle to me.  He treated me, his only neice through my aunt's biological family, as not even an afterthought.  No thought.  No thought at all.  I ran away once to their home as a nine year old when I thought that begging them to let me live with them MIGHT help save me from my overtly abusive and alternately neglectful parents.  Instead of trying to comfort me or even talk to me...my uncle pointed at the telephone in their home and commanded my aunt in a stern tone of voice to "Call them now!"  Which she did.  Which led to my being beat down like pizza dough by my parents for "bothering them".  And which, as incidents go, my aunt conveniently "forgot about" when confronted with this information several times in recent history...

To say that my aunt was a slave to uncle B during their marriage is yet another beyond understatement of reality.  The woman could barely answer the phone if she was in the midst of "serving uncle B his cottage cheese" or "making uncle B his coffee", etc. etc.  If I had a dollar for everytime I heard her excuse herself away from the phone upon answering it (for reasons to do with "uncle B")...I would have never had to become a psychotherapist to finally "learn" how to communicate with her.

So now he's dying.  Uncle B that is.  And oh---did I forget to tell you how he gave away all of my aunt and uncle's nest egg over the past several years so as (in its way) to ensure someone "else" got their liquid assets (post his death of course) rather than my aunt?  Did I mention that to you yet?  Or are you at this moment, like I was when I first heard, thinking to yourself..."No!  Did she just say he gave away all their money to someone else so his wife of 60 years would NOT inherit it?!"

Yes, I did.  I really did.

So, there's the background.  Next time, how God has used me to "face" uncle B in recent weeks as God only can and has scripted...