Trippin' Down Memory Lane Via FB...

As I was surfing through Facebook this morning, I happened to come across a person's timeline who had a whole lot of friends from my former high school.  Me being who I am just had to allow myself the indulgence of checking out some of the timelines of these former classmates and neighbors of mine.  Seeing and reading what I did had a mixed bag effect on me.  On the one hand, I was relieved to find that "justice" had finally been served;  yet the psychotherapist in me felt extremely disappointed.  Maybe this is why I do what I do;  I am constantly hoping against hope that people WILL choose to make the positive changes necessary to heal, change, and grow themselves in ways they may have never before imagined possible.  For so many of my former classmates, that was obviously too big a hope for them to handle over these last 30-40 years...

"Imari" was one of these individuals.  She grew up not far from me and the last I heard, was in prison somewhere for God only knows what.  Back when we were kids, Imari was a golden girl in the literal sense.  She was physically beautiful, and that was about it.  She was a bully, a thief, and a liar just to name a few of her figurative attributes.  I know this because her older sister was a friend of mine and Imari had no filter when it came to her own behavior.  As an 8th grader, she was said to be functioning as her boyfriend's punching bag (and I knew her boyfriend's family too...so I believe this).  Friends of hers also shared that Imari's father was a major creeper (using today's vernacular).  Since I had my own run-ins with Mr. Imari and knew he got Mrs. Imari pregnant when she was just a kid herself...that "news" was old news.  I also recall Grandma Imari yelling and screaming at people on the sidewalk whenever I walked or rode my back past their house;  I tell ya, there was obviously never a dull moment goin' on inside those four walls!

Now flash forward to 2012.  I hadn't seen Imari since before we graduated from high school.  And then suddenly just this past week...there she was on Facebook.  In all her 2012 glory.  This former bully, thief, liar, and golden girl....well, what can I tell you?  Physically she looked like someone who has been invisible to the opposite sex for a VERY long time.  I also am reminded of all the not-so-nice one liners guys I knew back in the day would use to describe these sorts of women.  "...looks like a hundred miles of bad road", "a face that could stop a clock", etc. etc.  Yes, Imari was for certain no longer the golden girl of our bygone era.  Or anyone's era.  Imari, as my one male friend used to say, "is through".

As for what Imari's currently like on the inside, who knows?  her wall posts were a mish-mash of "feel sorry for me", "oh I'm in such a crisis", and "nobody loves me anymore" commentaries.  Well, at least it read like she's moved past the bullying...

Imari's older sister had a boyfriend from our neighborhood.  His name was Guza.  He wasn't just a bully, but a scary human being.  There was a time when he and his "gang" were throwing rocks at one of their classmates who had climbed up a tree to try and avoid being hit.  I was standing right there watching.  The classmate ultimately fell out of the tree and an ambulance showed up.  Because Guza and his pals were older than me, I had presumed that "this" was how older males behaved once they started driving.  Guza was one of several boys in his family;  another one of his brothers was believed to be behind the wheel when a car was driven through a house at the end of our street one summer.  To say Guza was a "bad seed" was in fact a compliment.  A part of me wondered how I would be if I ever ran into Guza as an adult;  I almost got my chance when one of his former buddies showed up for therapy several years ago at my office!  I nearly fell over!  Of course, I could not see Guza's friend in therapy due to a conflict of interest.  Namely, me forgetting I was a therapist after our first session!

When I attempted to "find" Guza on Facebook, what I found instead was the fact that he was now dead.  I also found out that his life, when he was alive, was not that great.  As a matter of fact, it was all quite bad.  Why am I surprised?  Probably because the 55 year-old me still wonders why people don't always believe me when I say, "If nothing changes, nothing changes!"  Go figure...

Tripping down memory lane can dredge up some bad junk of the past, but it can also provide some keys to personal freedom as well.  If you don't learn from your past, you won't.  If you do learn from the past mistakes that have been made (either by you...of those around you), then you may be inspired to do things differently from now on----att least as those things relate to what you have learned. 

Once you are dead, it's definitely too late.  As it is for Guza. 

Pathological People-Pleasing

People pleasers, givers, martyrs....where would we be in life without them right?  I mean...if nobody opened the door for anyone else in public, there's be a whole lot of smashed faces walkin' around.  I remember thinking as a kid whenever "Let's Make A Deal" was on t.v., how I always wanted to hang out with the "mom" who had the most stuff in her purse to show Monty Hall when asked.  He'd say things like "Show me eight bobby pins and I'll give you $50.00!"  (And back then, that was a lot of dough!)  Or he might request a notebook...or matches...or a snack item.   In my young mind, any "mom" who was that prepared was the kind of mom I wanted!  Back then I didn't know how moms like these were also typically people pleasers, because who really carries a bunch of stuff around in her own purse for "somebody else" who might need or want it?!
As time passed, I learned more and more about people pleasers and "why" I believed they were so pathologically "nice".  This, in direct opposition to my own parents, who were about one step short of a professional career in grifting for fun and profit.
Now that I am "grown" and do this for a living, I can see both the positive side---and the shadow side of the people pleasing paradigm. 
So let's look at "appropriate" people pleasing first.  It's pretty simple actually.  You treat others how you yourself would hope to be treated in whatever circumstance you find yourself in.  As I type that, I am reminded of the saying "Sometimes saying "Be Yourself!" is the worse advice you could possibly give to a person."  So if you are one of those people whose middle name is "drama"....please ignore what I just typed here.  Your goal would be to treat others in the exact opposite way you want or are used to being treated!
Holding the door open for someone who is right behind you in public....saying "God bless you" when someone sneezes within your earshot...offering a tissue if someone "obviously" needs one and you're right there (with tissues on your person)...these are all small examples of practicing not only good manners, proper etiquette, but appropriate people-pleasing skills as well.  We acknowledge what is going on around us which involves another person or persons...and we do what we can comfortably "do" in order to help, assist, encourage, and/or motivate them in a positive way.  Pretty simple stuff.  What's not so simple is understanding when people pleasing behaviors become pathological in nature....and why.
Susan was a client of mine who was raised to believe she was basically "nothing" unless she was doing something for someone else.  Her self esteem was below zero by the time I met her.  She had an overbearing and demanding mother, an emotionally vacant and often-times absent father, and little brothers and sisters who looked to her as their primary caregiver as all were growing up together under the same roof.  We all know people with Susan's same history...maybe even yourself.  My best friend in childhood was certainly a Susan also.  She couldn't even go out with me on a Saturday after her "chores" were done UNLESS we also dragged her younger sister, brother and dog along with us wherever we were going.  At the time, I viewed her life as "normal" because I didn't know anything different myself. 
But then Susan grew up.  And Susan really never stopped with the people-pleasing behaviors..but now it was definitely out of control.  She told me a story about having a pizza party for her youngest child and waiting until every kid and adult at the party had two or three go arounds with the pizzas before she dared to take one for herself.  Nobody was looking to see "when" she did or didn't take a piece of pizza...nobody was going to judge her harshly if she ate when everyone else ate.  But in Susan's mind, she was being "selfish" if she took a piece of pizza before everyone else had two or three chances to get theirs.  Seriously Susan?  Yes, Susan was most certainly serious.  And that was just a "small" example of her people-pleasing behaviors gone pathological.
Another story involved Susan "volunteering" to bring items to a party her sister-in-law was having and hosting in her own home.  Since Susan didn't think a whole lot of her sister-in-law's ability to people-please her own parents (and Susan's in-laws), Susan thought she'd do "Anne" a favor by basically bringing the entire party over to Anne's house...decorations, paper products, crystal water pitchers, drinking glasses, silverware, and all.  And this was before Susan decided what food items she would bring!  Again, people-pleasing gone pathological...but now on behalf of someone else's "lack" of people-pleasing skills (in Susan's own mind that is)!
I asked Susan what she expected "for real" as a result of all this people-pleasing behavior at the expense of her own general mental health and well-being.  She said she didn't know.  (Which is a typical answer I receive to this question which came as no surprise!).  The reason why Susan didn't know is because Susan never really stopped to figure out who she was and what she was authentically about as a person separate and apart from her life-long training in the "Serve Others Unto Death" lifestyle.
Like I have often said to clients over the years, "If you want to give that much, go to school and become a nurse!"  At least with nursing, your "giving" to your patients can definitely make the difference between life and death for them.  But to pursue a never-ending series of "giving moments" in your private life is not only exhausting...it is insane!  Especially when you find yourself doing mental somersaults over "Well, I should  blah blah blah so she won't feel blah blah blah."  Are you kidding me?  You do NOT have to think of someone else's "possible" feelings, needs, or wants and how to satisfy them before the other person even realizes what it is they do feel, need, or want!!  No!  Bad bad habit!  Break it before it breaks you!
So that's what I want to share on the topic of pathological people pleasing.  If this sounds like you, call me.  You definitely need my help.  Stat.