Relationship Junk: Grudges, Grief, and Guilt!

Everyone remembers the highlights of their important relationships.  Unfortunately, we just as readily remember the significant lowlights too.  If the unresolved junk from our past and present relationships could be contained within literal suitcases, we'd all have kept way too many of them just saying.  Today's blog post is about that unresolved relationship-related junk we continue to drag around like old baggage in our lives.  Understanding where it came from is, of course, extremely important---but so is understanding how to get rid of it once and for all.

Grudges no doubt represent one area of our thinking worth examining closely.  Who are you still mad at and over what all these months, years, and/or decades later?  If I had a nickel for every time I have seen a client with an age-old grudge against someone they once loved and cared about---I could have retired ten years ago. 

Past and present grudges give us permission to remain traumatically linked to a person, or those people, who we believe (be it real or imagined) have profoundly hurt us.  Holding grudges gives me, as the grudge holder, permission to think, feel, and behave "badly" towards you whenever I like.  How this plays out in one's present relationships is when we feel "?!?!?!?!!" when we are harshly judged or falsely accused of something by the grudge holder(s) in our lives.  Or, conversely, when we realize we may have attacked someone in some way for reasons we don't fully comprehend.  Regardless of whether we are targeted by or instigate these grudge-inspired behaviors---the outcomes are still the same:  we feel icky and don't know why.

This just happened to me recently.  I was at an event, and someone at the table randomly started telling me what I did months ago at another event we were both at.  As she spoke, I knew that her so-called "recollection of events" was bogus.  It would be akin to saying "Remember the time we were at such-and-such and you stole Bon Jovi away from me?"  Like that kind of off the wall skewed.  This person was so off the train track of reality about what she accused me of and judged me about---I couldn't help but just get up to hug her and thank her for her care and concern.  In other words, I love bombed her in spite of her original motivation(s)---whatever they were.  Grant it, this person I am speaking of is someone I am "stuck" having to interact with on an infrequent-but-frequent-enough basis;  however, I am no dummy either.  If I can avoid the interactions...I do.  And life goes on just fine for me....anyway.

With all this grudge keeping going on, can you understand how difficult it would be for seasoned grudge holders to let go and move on in spite of the people who trigger them?  I mean, even if  we were face to face with a serial killer....as adults we can still walk away and refuse to engage correct?  Nobody is holding anybody by the short hairs and "making" them be in a relationship with someone who is more harmful than helpful.  Except for those who "like it like that";  another topic for another blog post....

Next, grief.  Grief isn't just about literally losing a loved one to death.  Unresolved grief can do with anything we were significantly disappointed about from our past.  Being forced to live with grandma after mom and dad's divorce.  Not being able to afford college in spite of our good grades in high school.  Gaining 75 lbs. and it sticking around for years.  Developing a wicked meth habit and not understanding how we got there...or how to get out.  There are so many things that cause us to feel deep grief.  Grant it, I have seen the clients also who grieve over not having received a Corvette at age 16 like their older sibling did.  Or being so angry that, as an adult, they are not as "famous" as they thought they would or should be by this age.  Hey, I can't make this stuff up.  People grieve and stay stuck in their grief for ALL sorts of reasons---not just the ones that make sense to most.

When we are stuck in our grief, we change.  We learn how to lose hope about our present---and our future.  We learn to live in despair.  We learn to give up....or we learn how to stay angry, stay resentful, and stay bitter.  Either option of course, not a good choice.

Lastly, guilt.  What does guilt have to do with relationship junk?  Plenty.  When we believe ourselves to be no good...not worthy...incapable of forgiveness or being forgiven....of just being more "bad" than good...we got a major problem.  All of that leads us to living fake lives and putting out fake personas to the world around us.  Instead of just being who we authentically are...and with anyone we come in contact with...we run a game.  We act one way with one person or group...and then act some other kind of way with another person or group.  As I just said, we run a game.  Our hearts harden, we lose our compassion, and we lack empathy.  We become more like roaming coyotes looking for who and what will give us most of what we want when we want it.  Again, not a good choice nor a good way to live.

Next time, how to climb up out of the pit we have created with our excess baggage of grudges, grief, and guilt by facing these demons and doing our own work of healing, positive change, and growth...

The Tyranny of Being Harshly Judged and Falsely Accused....

When I work with clients, they often marvel at the four main reasons why we (meaning all of us who are human!) get angry when we do.   Here's the short list:  (1) we are true victims of true injustice, (2) we are not getting what we want when we want it,  (3) we are being harshly judged and, (4) we are being falsely accused.  Yep, that's it folks.  All the reasons why any of us get angry with ourselves...with each other...and with the world within which we reside....

For today's blog post, I would like to address the issues of being harshly judged and falsely accused and exactly what that means and looks like---because it isn't always so obvious as it seems.

Before I do that though, a quick primer on the descending hierarchy of how our relationships (with anybody!) can go from good enough---to bye bye never want to lay eyes on you again:

EXPECTATIONS
DISAPPOINTMENT
ANGER
RESENTMENT
BITTERNESS
LATER!  (BYE BYE FOR GOOD!)

That's it.  Pretty simple eh?  We expect what we do...we don't see it happen...we get and feel disappointed.  When we fail to adjust our own expectations and/or work through the issues that disappoint us repeatedly....this is when anger kicks in.  Left unresolved, the anger we feel hardens and morphs from being angry about the "problem"...to becoming angry about "the person".  Even though many of us feel we have attempted to negotiate and compromise our way through the "issue" or problem at hand....many of us have not.  We have merely talked "at" each other about what we want and expect from that other person. 

Which is how, over time, we become resentful (towards the other person we are in a relationship with).  After so long, our resentment hardens like chunks of rock.  We find ourselves feeling like that other person says or does whatever on purpose.  Just to upset us.  Just to yank our chain.  Just to demonstrate how long they are willing to hold out in order to get their way...or to maintain control (over us).  It is at this point we have become embittered.  There is very little (if anything!) that the other person can say or do that will change our minds about him or her.  We are done.  We want out.  We are finished.  And this, dear readers, is how a person goes from starting out a relationship with expectations for themselves and the other person....and ending up in the proverbial ditch...

So....back to anger and the reasons why we get angry.  In the context of what I just presented here, when we are being truly victimized, not getting what we want, harshly  judged and/or falsely accused---THERE IS NO DOUBT we are DISAPPOINTED by what we just experienced.  Of course we are!  Who wants to have to face that a person they love and care about could throw you or me under the bus like that?  Nobody!

Yet when the problem or issue is not being actively worked through in order to get SOLVED, RESOLVED, or DISSOLVED---all that will happen is that the same issue, the same problem, and the same drama will pop up again (and again and again!) like a bad case of GERD.

The tyranny of being harshly judged and falsely accused revolves around a person's character more than it does a person's behavior.  Does that surprise you?  It shouldn't.  When we are harshly judged and falsely accused, we need to consider the source of that judgment and accusation.  As someone very wise once put it, "There are artists and con artists;  I know who I am.  Do you?"  No, not always.

I have often shared the story in therapy of the business owner I knew as a  young 20-something who had a sign behind his counter that read "These premises monitored 3 nights a week by a .357 magnum;  you guess which 3 nights."  At the time, when I asked why he had that sign up there...he laughed and said "Everyone in business is a crook Mary;  don't ever forget that."  Yeah o.k.  And...?  I knew I wasn't a crook and I had my own business at the time.  But who was I to argue with a 52 year old man who had a .357 magnum monitoring his store 3 nights a week?  (LOL!)  See what I mean?  I knew who I was at that time.  He did not.  As in he did not know who I truly was---but assumed he did.

I am reminded of so many young couples where, when they meet...everything is the berries.  "He's so wonderful;  he took me to California on a fabulous trip..."  "She's amazing;  she takes care of my son like he's her own and we've only been together six months..." blah blah blah.  A whole lot of looking good and acting nice without any real consideration for WHO ARE YOU REALLY?!

And then at some point reality hits.  All that impressing and being impressed stuff goes down the tubes because both parties...in truth...were not being completely honest with themselves, or each other, about "who" they exactly were or are in terms of their character.  I've seen it hundreds of times folks;  you cannot lie about your bank account...or your job...or your future plans concerning where to live...or your desire or lack of desire to have kids....(whatever!) and not expect it to come back at some point and bite you right square in the middle of your life.

Harsh judgment and false accusation is borne out of a flawed character that screams "You aren't any better than me!"  In spite of all the evidence to the contrary.  You can behave all sorts of ways that attempt to send the message that you are honest....hard working....caring....considerate...willing to negotiate and compromise....and all the rest.  But if you are, in your core, a person who just wants what you want when you want it---and are willing to go to whatever lengths to get it---then you will end up in the soup.  Alone, embittered, and assuming the worst about others...

Until next time...