Detox the Fantasy!

Abuse takes many forms.  Some obvious;  others, not so much.  It is so much easier to understand what abuse looks like when it involves two people.  Yet what about the abuse we inflict by the ways in which we think, feel, and subsequently behave?  Self abuse takes many forms also.  Again, some obvious;  others, not so much.  Today's blog post will focus on fantasy-based thinking and how it can represent one of the most damaging forms of psychological abuse we heap onto ourselves---by ourselves---and/or onto others!

Fantasy thinking, unlike psychotic thinking, is primarily ego driven.  Unlike psychotic thinking, which we have no control over and that occurs as a result of untreated and undiagnosed mental illness--or through the use of drugs and alcohol---or as a result of traumatic brain injury, infection, or a disease process (like dementia), fantasy thinking is something we "choose" to engage in.  When actively psychotic, no one chooses to think that way.  Psychotic thinking can be treated through the use of appropriate psychotropic medications;  fantasy thinking can not.  With fantasy thinking, psychotherapy ("talk" therapy) works best to assist the client with letting go of their own need to be in control of "all" of their reality and the people they focus on within it.  Detoxing the fantasy means that we choose reality, as messy as it can be at times, over our own glorifying and/or mortifying version(s) of it!

Fantasy thinking is a person's attempt to present their narrative (or any narrative!) in a way they have complete control over.  Fantasy-driven thinking, feeling, and behaving is in complete opposition to the practice of mindfulness, which requires that we observe what is going on within us and around us without judgment and without emotional tumult attached.  Fantasy thinking is subjective thinking taken to its extreme;  mindfulness is the practice of thinking objectively in all circumstances and at all times.

Need some examples?  I've got a million of them.  First, how about "Jean" (not her real name).  Jean is a professional business woman.  She is bright, creative, and very good at what she does.  However, Jean also had, what she described as, an obsessive soon-to-be ex husband.  As Jean laid out her narrative about the marriage, she shared about how she "knows" her husband found a way to "bug" her new residence after she moved away from the marital home.  She claimed also that he had control over the garage door opener at her new place as the door would randomly open and close.  Jean also believed her husband "wired" the interior of her residence so that he could view her through cameras he had installed.  Jean did not have any facts (evidence!) of how she knew these things;  her husband did not call her and tell her what she was wearing that day.  Her husband did not describe to her the layout of her current residence.  Her husband was not seen anywhere in or around her "new" neighborhood in spite of Jean's own security system (with cameras) installed at the new residence.  In other words, Jean's husband had no literal contact with her at all, either directly or indirectly, since the time she moved out and relocated.  No threats, no hang up calls, no other people sent to communicate on his behalf, no nothing.  Five years since, Jean received her divorce and her ex husband went on to remarry.  And...???  And Jean has not since mentioned "that time" in her life nor has she recanted her beliefs about her ex's activities directed at her from that time either.

Unlike "Mr. Jones" who, as a younger woman, I was asked to check in on by his close relative who lived outside the immediate area.  Mr. Jones, when I first visited him at home, told me that "they" were coming into his house in order to steal his tools, kidnap his pets only to return them the next evening, and poison his food.  Mr. Jones, unlike Jean, had a legitimate psychiatric diagnosis which absolutely explained his disordered thinking pattern.  Again, fantasy thinking is something we choose to engage in;  psychotic thinking is not.  Ultimately Mr. Jones got the real help he needed to treat and more effectively manage his psychotic thinking, which of course, was a very good thing...

"Tom" is someone who has always had a schoolboy-based crush on "Sandra".  Although 30 years have passed since they were in school together, Tom did exaggerate his and Sandra's so-called "relationship" to his own friends and family throughout the decades since graduation.  Sandra, on the other hand, considered Tom nothing more than a former classmate whom she knew "liked" her during their freshman year.  Once Sandra's husband suddenly passed away, Sandra saw that she received a new message and friend request on Facebook.  It was from Tom.  She deleted the request and didn't read the message, and didn't think anything more about it.  About two months later, one of Sandra's friends from school mentioned also receiving a friend request and message from Tom, which she accepted and read.  The friend contacted Sandra because Tom had said in his message that he had heard Sandra's husband had died...and he wanted Sandra's address in order to send flowers to her.  The friend, very wisely, declined to inform Tom of Sandra's address---and then contacted Sandra to let her know what was happening.

Neither Sandra or her friend were that concerned about Tom, until Tom began posting photos of himself from high school, which the friend saw on her newsfeed, with comments attached that in fact, included recollections of that time involving Sandra.  Sandra's friend told Sandra what was going on, and the decision was made to unfriend Tom by Sandra's friend...while Sandra closed her existing Facebook account.

In reality, Sandra never "hung out" with Tom during school;  he was just a classmate....who had a crush on her during 9th grade.  Whatever Tom's story is or was in that regard, the death of Sandra's husband triggered something inside Tom that clearly went beyond the boundaries of reality--both past and present.

Fantasy thinking is a quick and dirty way to make us feel good---or bad---about ourselves.  I can remember a young man who told me years ago that once anybody got to "know" him, they'd know how "bad" he really is and would dump him accordingly.  Okay then!  How does anybody stand a chance with that mentality?  Ultimately, he got the help he needed to practice a different way of thinking about himself and his talents, skills, and capabilities...which was of course, it's own process.  With this young man, it was easier to label himself as "bad" than to do his work of growing up and becoming more fully responsible for himself mind, body, and soul.  In his way, he suspended a good ten years of his young life to live in the middle of his own teenage (and 20's) wasteland.
 
Detoxing the fantasy is something we don't often think about because we choose not to.  Whether you are being targeted by this type of thinking...or are engaging in it on your own...the facts are still the facts.  Reality is where we all need to live, rather than in our own glorifying or mortifying version of it.

Until next post...

Is Your Chosen Partner Abusive?

I can remember when I was young and single a roommate of mine who was a lovely person---but had a major a$$hole boyfriend.  How did I know he was a jerk?  Well, beyond seeing him come into our place when he did and behave like her only roommate (without paying for anything), THAT was a bit of a tip off to me.  Beyond that, when she wasn't around and it was just he and I together---he basically ignored me.  I mean, I understood that somewhat;  back then, why would anybody want to talk to or interact with someone they didn't "pick" to do that with?  Yet it still felt disrespectful.

Over the course of their relationship, I noticed that he really had a hard time attending to her as a girlfriend.  Everything was pretty much about him and what he wanted...and she complied.  If she didn't do or get what he wanted, he would say things to her that were not very nice.  I remember the time he called her a fat you-know-what...and this girl was no more than 110 lbs.!  I also suspected that he was into some things (or people!) that weren't quite kosher.  If she would ask him about something and he didn't feel like answering---his responses typically revolved around "it" being her fault for even asking.  Before I even knew what the heck gaslighting was...this guy was a master at it!

He never got physical with her in my presence....but he sure knew how to yell and carry on when she didn't "do" like he expected or wanted.

Just before they got married, I asked her if she was sure she wanted to marry him.  Her response to my question was that she was turning 27 years old in August.  Okay then.  The wedding itself was a blur in my mind;  I knew it would end badly---which it did of course.  After their bad breakup and divorce, she did go on to find a better man.

But why did she allow herself to marry this worse man (and have children with him) when she did?  Why does anybody for that matter?  What is it about us wearing those blinders when we are involved with someone who shows signs and puts out those signals of being abusive by nature?

Back to the codependent giver chat.  When we are codependent, and when we are more "giver" oriented than not....we harbor the fantasy many a time that our love, our care, and our connection (to that other person) can FIX, can SAVE, and/or can RESCUE that person we are involved with.  This represents Delusion #1.

I am reminded of another friend who dated a guy after her divorce who she claimed "love her" the best of anyone she had dated before or since.  Except when she found out he was an open and proud to be bigot...in the middle of a parking lot...and when surrounded by a group of people he was most bigoted against.  She broke up with him shortly afterwards.  AS IT SHOULD BE!  When my friend realized this particular character flaw in her boyfriend...she at least UNDERSTOOD that she couldn't fix that flaw...or save him from the consequences of that flaw...or rescue him from himself and the way he thought for that matter.  So she left him.  Good for her!  That's what knowing when to hold them, fold them, walk away, and run is all about people!  Even if the abuse is directed at someone else or some other group...it's still abuse!

Delusion #1 can take us down some many dark roads when we don't want to see the obvious about a person we are involved with.  Just think of anyone who you know who is now sitting in jail for 10, 20, or 30 years because they were merely "there" when a person was murdered in their presence!  I had trained and worked in a prison facility for a time;  the majority of women on my unit were classic examples of "wrong place wrong time" situations.  They didn't perpetrate the act which led to death, but they were there with the person who did.  Not a good plan.  Hangin' with the abusers in this life does no one any favors.  It just doesn't.

What does abuse look like?  I can tell you it is NOT just about physical violence that is committed against oneself or others.  And for those who are "used to it" like that (being physically assaulted), I have actually had victims say to me "I'd rather have him beat me than ignore me."  Okay then!  Talk about a challenge in reframing one's thinking about physical abuse!

In fact, abusive behavior can start with something like a person being overly jealous or possessive.  No ladies and gentlemen...being jealous is NOT flattering;  it's a signal!  When a person wants you or your time all to themselves....how is that living in reality?  It just isn't.  You do NOT exist to make sure your boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse's "life" is good every single day...and/or drama free!

I am reminded of another friend (male) who had a real problem with this jealousy issue from as far back as grade school.  He just couldn't handle anybody else horning in on his perceived territory. With him, nobody had the right to join in any games or activities that he didn't approve of as participants.  Not unlike another childhood friend (female) who was the same way...these two wanted control over anyone they let "in" to their lives---to the point of suffocation.  To say trust was a major issue for both of them is understatement;  they just couldn't handle other people vying for the same attention they themselves so desperately sought.

I had a teenager many years ago who came in to see me about her own "jealousy" issue involving her then boyfriend at the time.  She was really upset not knowing how to solve this issue on her own.  We talked about a lot, including her experiences with her own family of origin (parents and sister).  As we went through what she felt and experienced as her parents were going through a nasty divorce, she just blurted out in session one night "That's it!"  What was it?  "It" was when she realized that she was doing to her boyfriend pretty much what her father did to her mother prior to their divorce being announced.  "He never wanted her to be anywhere without him!"  Yeah, that would be a signal that something's rotten in Denmark that's for sure.  As she was able to identify specific ways of thinking and behaving that she felt she "learned" by her father...it helped her to change her own thinking and behavior towards her boyfriend.  Yeah, they broke up anyway---but I can only pray she herself became a better woman as she grew older...and found herself a better man too!

Next post, I will present additional signs of abusive behaviors that we often choose not to notice...