DARVO...and Other Realities of Malignant Relationships

What is DARVO?  It is an acronyn that means the following:

Deny

Attack

Reverse 

Victim

Offender

What the heck does that mean?  It means that when we confront someone about something they have said or done that we find personally or professionally offensive, the other person will launch into DARVO mode.  How so?  They will "D" deny what it is you are confronting them about, then they will "A" attack you for even bringing up the issue to them directly.  Next, they will "R" reverse the roles between you by now making themselves the "V" victim (because you confronted them)...and you the "O" offender.

DARVO isn't a new concept.  It's been around for as long as humanity has been busy avoiding personal and/or professional responsibility for their own transgressions.  After all, it takes emotional maturity to recognize and then take responsibility for our own harmful behavior(s)!  Even toddlers know how to DARVO when mommy confronts them.  "Billy!  Where is the cookie that was right here?" "I not take mommy!  You eat cookie not me!"  Wow, DARVO in action at age three...

Decades ago, I was watching a video where a maid was caught stealing from the rooms she cleaned at a local hotel.  When confronted by the police and shown the video, what was her response?  "That's not me!  You people are crazy!  You think all of us look alike anyway!"  (Massive DARVO moment!)

Nobody has to go to school to learn DARVO.  Yet DARVO is the most common way to gaslight someone else.  As a reminder, gaslighting is the practice of manipulating another person's reality so that they will see things the way you are instructing them to, rather than trusting their own judgment.  There has been a lot written about gaslighting.  One of the more popular books is "The Gaslight Effect" by Dr. Robin Stern.  It's an oldie, but a goodie.  Too many of us are easily swayed by others when it comes to the strategies people employ (like DARVO as part of gaslighting) to emotionally abuse others.  By the way, emotional abuse IS the number one form of abuse amongst us.  Think about that.  

Avoiding responsibility is a relational lifestyle for way too many of us these days.  "It's YOUR fault that I......"  (Blah blah blah-de-blah!)  Well, what do you expect when codependency is the cultural lifestyle of choice for the vast majority of our country today?  When we allow ourselves to expect others to make sure we are "o.k." before WE ourselves do what's necessary to make sure we are o.k. (legally, morally, and ethically that is!)...we've just dipped ourselves into the dung so to speak.  People do NOT exist to eat or be eaten by others...use or used by others....or treated like objects rather than equals.  Yet we have gone so far up one another's behinds in the name of "real love", we have completely lost our ability to see daylight!

Codependency is people addiction.  It is the ultimate addiction.  A mother who is addicted to her favorite son or daughter.  A grandmother addicted to her grandchildren.  A wife addicted to her husband.  When we are codependent, we put up with DARVO like it's our job when the offender is that same person we are addicted to!

When will we ever learn...?

Next time you experience a DARVO moment with someone, try responding as follows:

"Last time I checked, I'm not the one who (insert offensive behavior here).  You were.  And while you are at it, look up DARVO online.  Get yourself educated."

(Well, that's what I'd say at least!)  ;-)  Until next post...

Vegas....No Thanks!

We just got back from a two week stint in Las Vegas.  It wasn't a matter of choice, but a matter of trading a timeshare we didn't use last December in another state.  I had never been to Las Vegas before;  my husband only once back in the late 70s.  We were ready.  Or so we thought....

Neither of us have been on a plane since December of 2019.  For whatever reason(s), we bought into the idea that airplane travel was not the best choice in the midst of Covid.  We had heard too many stories about people getting into fights over facemasks, flight attendants being assaulted by unruly passengers, cancelled flights, and screaming toddlers refusing to wear protective covering on their own faces.  Whatever.  

The departure process from Detroit was o.k. enough.  The security check lines were long, but people were being transitioned through them much faster.  Instead of being frisked from head to toe as I usually am (I am a double knee replacement), the female TSA just touched my ankles.  Okay?  Same deal on the way home from Vegas.  This must have been "search the ankles month" because the travelers ahead of me and behind me...same deal.  Maybe it's about salt intake during the month of February.  Still remains a mystery to me.  However, our plane was delayed last minute for an hour.  Why didn't that surprise me?  Also, the guy behind me as we were waiting at the gate wasn't wearing his mask and talking way too loud to his mama on his cell while he had her on speaker.  We moved after so many minutes of noticing that wasn't ending anytime soon.

Once we got to our so-called "resort" about two miles south of the Strip itself (on 27 acres!)...our unit was not fully cleaned.  Dirty dishwasher contents, hair on toilet rim, uncleaned surfaces in kitchen.  Inotherwords, W.T.H. happened here?  We are still dealing with Covid right?  Doh!  The front desk staff couldn't have been more blase.  "Well, we are having a real problem with a shortage in our housekeeping staff..." blah de blah blah.  They came in the next day in the afternoon to clean up.  Took another 10 days before they came back to clean up a second time.  We saw that there were staff outside the resort polishing the cement walkways every morning and evening (?!?!).  We presumed it was more important to make the outside of this joint look good no matter what.  

When our friends arrived for the weekend and we had our first meal at the resort's restaurant, our one friend became violently ill and remained so until halfway through the next day.  We all figured it was the lettuce that did it to him.  Didn't go back after that for obvious reasons.

Oh, and as an added bonus, the resort reeked of weed.  Yep, I'm not kidding.  In spite of the "No Vaping" and "No Smoking" signage displayed everywhere, the distinct smell of skunk was in the hallways, in the elevator, along the outdoor walkways---but this was also true in MANY places we went to in Vegas.  I feel bad for the 20 and 30-somethings of today who will end up smelling weed anywhere and everywhere in this country by the time they hit my age now.  

Don't get me started on the driving conditions in Vegas.  Six lanes of traffic on the freeway and most everyone has dementia about the usage of their own blinkers to shift lanes.  They just go and do whatever whenever.  When I was driving one day to a store at 4:00PM, a big a$$ truck was just laid on its side in the middle lane of traffic.  Nobody can tell me that wasn't a weed-related incident.  Who does that?!  How does THAT happen?  Another time, a motorcyclist wiped out also in the middle lane of traffic on the other side of town.  No other cars involved.  Did he nod out too?  Just asking! 

Driving outside of metro Vegas and into the desert was a much more pleasant experience.  Went to the Red Rocks Canyon....the Valley of Fire...Nelson the ghost town...and a few other interesting places.  We were going to shoot for the south rim of the Grand Canyon, but we were both too tired to pursue it.  Instead, we saw it from the plane the morning we left Nevada.  It was massive.  277 miles long, though we only saw a "part" of it from the air.  Also...10 miles wide.  I use the Grand Canyon often in my practice as an example of what working one's way through the grief process is like.  We can't jump over it, we can't go around it, we can't avoid it.  It's too big and it's there right before us.  All we can do is go down into the depths of our own uncomfortable feelings...walk through them...and come up and out the other side to get past "it".  One day I will go back to see the Grand Canyon up close and personal.  I need to.

As for the strip itself, there are a few beautiful spots like the Bellagio hotel and casino...and of course Ceasar's Palace.  The Venetian was also extremely impressive along with the Palazzo next door.  The rest, Vegas can keep them.  I saw too much that I can't ever unsee;  I am too highly sensitive to other people's "issues" when they involve abuse, trauma, addiction, and impoverishment.  It was all right before me as we walked up and down the strip day or night.  Too much...too overwhelming...and too sad.  I was there to relax, not to work!  By the way, for the sex workers who walk around half  or 3/4 naked asking to take your photo with them.  There isn't a dollar I'd spend on that, let alone the $100 I heard them asking for!  At the Fremont Experience, the guy who stood there naked with a cup over himself should have paid ME $100 for having to see what (once again!) I can't ever unsee!  If these are examples of personal empowerment in 2022, stupidity AND denial has reached a brand new level.  I pity those who are left on this planet after I am long gone.

Needless to say, I won't be back to Vegas ever again if I can help it.  Don't get me wrong, I found my niche (Ross!  Dress for Less!)....and I found the jacuzzi in our unit to be bliss most every evening after a long day of walking walking and then walking some more.

But as for Vegas, no thanks!  They can keep it.

Until next post....