All About the Timing....

Whether we want to face the truth or not, "timing" is often a tremendous problem for many of us.  When we should be saying or doing something....we don't.  When we shouldn't be saying or doing something....we do.  That's how it is about this issue of "timing".  Today's blog post is about how we can become more aware of the importance of saying what we mean, meaning what we say, not saying it "mean", AND saying it at the right TIME!

Saying and/or doing the right thing at the right time is made especially difficult when we'd rather not.  Let's face it...who wants to be the bearer of what we already know will be perceived as "bad news"?  But what is "bad news" truly?  Telling someone something they would rather not hear?  Yep, it can be like that.  Yet if we are more concerned with hurting someone else's feelings by telling them the "truth" about something which directly involves them....how is that good for them---or for us?  Let me give you some real life examples:

"Chandra" is 84 years old.  Diagnosed recently with Parkinson's disease and living alone in her own home, Chandra has done everything for herself and by herself for decades.  Unmarried and with no children, Chandra fell several times within the past six months, although she kept most of these incidents to herself.  Only last Saturday, Chandra fell in front of Meijer's.  A nice young couple and another woman picked her up and helped her shop---while the woman drove Chandra's car home afterwards, following Chandra and the couple back to Chandra's house.  All three of these people who helped Chandra told her how fortunate she was that they were able to help her as they did.  Although reluctant, Chandra did call her niece so she could be made aware of what just occurred.  Since one of the people who helped Chandra is in the mental health field...the niece was provided with "next step" strategies to ensure that a similar incident would not take place jeopardizing Chandra's safety.  Although Chandra was grateful for the help, she was also upset that her niece is now involved.  Really?  Yes, really!

"Shelly" is 45 years old.  She has a 19 year old son who is up at school, but seems to be struggling.  When Shelly calls "Phillip", he barely says anything but "Yep", "Nope", or "I don't know" in response to Shelly.  Since Shelly doesn't know Phillip's roommates or has any of their cell phone numbers, Shelly feels like Phillip could be lying dead in his bed and she'd never be contacted.  Shelly is considering just driving up to the university and seeing for herself what is going on.  Is Phillip in danger of hurting himself?  Is Phillip on drugs?  What the heck is happening to her son?!  She has to find out...and find out as soon as possible!

"Kya" has lived with "Bo" for the past five years.  She was recently diagnosed with esophageal cancer and was told she needs several weeks of radiation, followed up by several months of chemotherapy.  Kya has nowhere else to go or live.  She has been estranged from her own family for decades, and Bo is the only one who has been there for her.  Yet, Kya knows she doesn't love Bo and probably never did.  He was just the next "right now" guy for Kya when they met shortly before she moved in.  Kya's guilt is already taking a toll on her;  she feels she'd be better off anywhere else but living with Bo in his house.  Kya can already imagine Bo hovering over her and having to be with her 24/7 for his own sake.  Kya wishes there were a way to just leave her life right now and not look back.

As you can imagine, there are all sorts of real-life scenarios just like the ones presented here where the "timing" associated with doing the right thing is a significant issue.  When is it the right time to speak up....or stay silent....or wait before we....??

The answers are not always easy, though they are always present in the midst of our own specific present problem or issue.  If you need help untangling the confusion, fear, and/or anger you feel around a particular situation---this would be a good time to call someone and ask for assistance.  Whether that someone is a trusted and safe-enough "wise" friend or colleague....a spiritual leader...a licensed psychotherapist...whomever he or she is---it may be the "best" timing for you right now to make that call for help.

Timing is everything, it truly is.  Without the "right" timing...opportunities can very easily get lost, just as existing problems can very easily multiply.

Until next post....

Reunion time...

Seems like I have been hearing a lot about reunions lately.  The impending spring and summer season have a great deal to do with that I imagine.  My own high school reunion is coming up this August (I will NOT mention which one!)...and I am looking forward to it.  Why?  Well, that's the subject of today's blog post:  the "good" that can come from our own "reunion time" experience(s) when we experience them!

I have a plaque on the wall of my office that simply states "Learn From Everything".  Well, isn't that one of the big points of our existence regardless of our spiritual leanings---or lack thereof?  If we don't learn from everything...we are at great risk of learning nothing from anything.  When I recognize that I am in the presence of a "learn from nothing" type, I make a habit of remaining polite for a maximum of five minutes before making a clean getaway.  I am not at a class reunion in order to debate politics, religious beliefs, or social injustice with anybody.  I am not at a family reunion to hear someone beotch about Uncle Henry for 30 minutes because he is drunk.  Are you catching my drift here?  Reunions are great opportunities to catch up...but that catching up has to be satisfying in both directions...not just one's own.  Otherwise, we are objectifying the other who is the focus of current attention...instead of treating him or her as a true equal.  Funny how that works eh?  I've mentioned it enough in past blog posts;  effective communication always begins by treating ourself and the other person as equals---rather than as "things".

What I just described "is" in fact the first lesson to learn as it relates to reunion time.  Treat yourself and whomever you interact with at your upcoming reunion as an equal...and not as a thing.  Grant it, if they can't or won't practice the same courtesy in return, you are free to make your clean getaway without guilt.  ;-) ...and after 5 minutes of initial interaction :-D.  I myself have learned not to waste my time talking to offensive and/or foolish people as if I "owe" them my listening ear.  I do not.  Neither do you.

Reunions are also an excellent opportunity to re-connect with someone you miss...or have missed being in contact with for whatever reason(s).  In spite of all the hype about extroverts versus introverts...social anxiety affects every one of us in its way.  Do you take the risk of approaching someone, making eye contact, smiling, and saying "Hello!  How are you?!"?  I hope so!  Unless you are a minor child, what's your excuse now?  If you can't or won't approach someone you really do want to speak to...that's on you!  I can't tell you how many people still play that "Oh no I can't do that!" card as if they just morphed from age 60 to age 5 in less than 5 seconds!  You will not die, you will not pass out, you will not make a fool of yourself if and when you approach someone at a reunion and greet them...and ask how they are doing!  You can do this!  Even if that other person doesn't respond in a way you expected or hoped for, is your own sense of "rejection" really fatal or contagious?  Of course it isn't!  Practice being assertive!  Go for it.  It's o.k.  It won't kill you.

This is the second lesson to learn as it relates to reunion time.  If you expect people to approach you before you speak to them first, shame on you!  Who the bleep do you think you are really?  Don't get me wrong, the arrogant do this all the time ("wait" for their perceived subjects to approach them first!)...but the socially anxious do this as well.  As I have reminded clients many times over the years, "not speaking up" and being appropriately assertive IS perceived by many as a sign of arrogance, indifference, and/or an aloof manner (aka "I don't really care to be here right now...let alone with you...").  Is that the impression you want to leave with anyone?  Of course it isn't.  I can remember all the times clients have said something like "Well, I'm older now...they should come up to me first to talk as a sign of respect."  And are you the Godfather or Livia Soprano?  Get over yourself!  Nobody is "that" popular over the course of a lifetime!  Sheesh!  Try humility on for a change.  Nobody is more attractive than when they are open, interested, and willing to engage as a general rule...

Third point:  reunions are NOT the time to bring up dead bones and expect or ask for an apology from XXXX because XXXXX happened and NOW is the time to "resolve" that issue between you.  Don't get me wrong;  we are all tempted to do this.  But as the world already knows, living well is the best revenge if revenge has entered your mind at any point.  Forgive them.  Forgive yourself for the resentments and bitterness you have carried around for way too long.  When we live in resentment and bitterness, it shows.  It shows physically, it shows mentally, and it certainly shows in a social context. I think of people I see in my practice who are "offended" by not speaking to them in a certain way they expect and/or demand.  WTF?  Talk about having to be in control of EVERYTHING?!?!  That's how it can be when we remain ignorant to how our past wounds impact our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors "now".  This is especially true among those of us who have remained a**holes since graduating high school!  Just sayin'.  LOL

Lastly, reunions are a time to have ourselves some FUN!  Remember FUN!?  Yes, in spite of how old we are...we can still practice having fun that is not self-or-other directed and destructive!  Let yourself laugh...enjoy the music...dance!  Do whatever it appropriate to do without throwing yourself or anyone else under that 18 wheeler!

If you are participating in a reunion of any kind this summer, enjoy yourself!  Reunion time is a great time to show yourself and others how much you really have healed, changed for the better, and have grown from the inside out!

Until next post...