When Your Marriage is in Trouble (Part III in a Series)

Defensiveness is the second marital horseman of the apocalypse that has the power to kill one's marriage. 

No one would normally think of this behavior/behavioral pattern as being so impactful (in a bad way!), but it is.  Think about it.  Even as a kid, I can remember being the MOST upset when someone did something absolutely-and-without-a-doubt-WRONG....and then the little snot-rag came up with every excuse in the book to justify their actions AS WELL AS pointing the finger of authentic blame away from themselves!  I can recall a childhood friend of mine who made it her job to defend her every inappropriate action by convincing me it was all my fault.  Huh?!  Of course, being a kid what did I know other than to eventually believe her!  When I started to believe it was acceptable to introduce myself as "Hi I'm Mary and it IS my fault!"---I also realized something was starting to stink in Denmark...

Now imagine being married to someone who is more often defensive when discussing pretty much anything, than open and willing to LISTEN and UNDERSTAND what it is you are attempting to communicate?!  Defensiveness is a relationship killer because it is the "I HAVE TO BE RIGHT!" rule that controls anyone and everyone within spitting distance of him/her/them.  "Did you get gas for the car on your way home?" "Why should I?  I don't drive all day around in circles like you do."  "I'm just asking if you got gas, that's all."  "You know, this treating me like I'm your errand bi**ch has to end.  All you do from the time you wake up....(blah-de-blah blah!)...

Who believes that having to be right for who and what's sake leads to feeling safe, feeling loved, and feeling respected by another person?  Last time I checked, that would be no-body!  (Or, "I surely agree said no one ever!")  LOL

One doesn't get comfortable with being defensive in an attempt to make things right;  it's about being most motivated by BEING RIGHT no matter what the issue or topic is under discussion!  This isn't a prolonged game of chess, in case anyone thinks otherwise.  People aren't supposed to "practice" being right at and all costs for the purpose of character development!  People who have to "be" right all the time are a**holes, plain and simple.  They just are.  And maybe as you read this you are realizing that your spouse is like this...or your favorite child...or your cute little grandchild who isn't so little anymore.  Or, maybe even yourself.  Whatever the case, there IS help for turning this defensiveness habit around and living life more abundantly in the relationship department!

Imagine now if you had two parents who were both into being defensive.  Well, you know then!  You know what it was like to function as ICE for either of them in the middle of their knock down drag out fights!  You know what it was like to have to intervene so dad didn't knock the stuffing out of (whomever, whenever, and wherever) because now you stood between him and his intended target.  Well, this defensiveness stuff can lead to some pretty nasty outcomes, that is for sure!

In the end, we can learn to replace our defensiveness with a spirit of curiosity and humility so that what we don't know---we can admit to it!  How about that as behavioral step in a right direction?  Nobody is God.  Least of all some human who is targeting you (or me!) as their next "subject" or "idol" of worship.  Stop.  Just stop.  Be present.  Be grateful.  Be real.  That's where it all begins in helping yourself get off that dead horse that you keep trying to ride...

Next post, all about Contempt!

  

When Your Marriage is in Trouble (Part II in a Series)

Can I just start out today's post by saying that hope really does spring eternal for those couples who genuinely commit themselves to marital restoration and harmony.  It is NOT an impossible dream rarely realized.  Today's blog post is about the four horsemen of the marital apocalypse (John Gottman coined that phrase, so I can't take credit for it!) which has to do specifically with the four behavioral patterns that are sure to kill any hope of reconciliation, repair, and restoration of one's marriage.  So let's begin with the first horseman:  Criticism!

Criticism.  All communication between any two people needs to be most motivated by curiosity and care...NOT criticism.  Yet we didn't have to go to school to learn about this particular brand of communication that can so easily morph into a relational pattern in both life and marriage.  When do you remember first being repeatedly targeted by someone else's unsolicited criticism?  Now think about "who" it was who doled out that consistent criticism aimed in your direction.  And how is that relationship working for you now if that other person is still alive?  Along the same lines, when do you first remember being overtly and consistently critical of someone else?  Did you drink that Kool Aid about how being critical towards others was merely tied to encouraging he/she/they to know better, do better, and be better as a---student/athlete/worker/carer/golden child within one's family/sister/brother/grandchild etc. etc. etc.?  Puleeze!  If this is what it meant to pursue and then function within the spirit of "healthy competition" in your family or outside of it---now is the time to check yourself rather than wreck yourself and those around you!

Scrutinizing and criticizing are very close companions in the context of what all is involved to "get" to feeling comfortable about actively and harshly judging oneself and/or others.  We scrutinize someone for whatever purpose/motive....and then the negative criticisms seem to just flow like a river once we allow them to.  Constructive criticism is NOT what I am talking about here.  Don't confuse that with tearing down a person just because one chooses to do so.  With constructive criticism, the "critic" is asked to offer unvarnished feedback to assist their person with recognizing performance-based flaws/problems/opportunities for growth.  When scrutiny and criticism functions as a relational lifestyle, the critic is in it to feel better about themselves at the target's expense.  End of.  That's their motivation.  Not pretty.  Not helpful.  Not encouraging.  

As such, do you wonder why our three most recent generations have raised the giant Red Flags of "I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK!"  It's human nature to seek out acceptance, approval, and love from others!  We are created as relational beings!  Nobody likes or wants to be scrutinized, harshly judged, and then consistently criticized by ANYBODY!  Let alone when that "anybody" includes family members or life partners who are supposed to truly love us without a whole lot of specific conditions attached!

(Shout out to "S" whose husband "P" told her she was getting too fat and he might have to divorce her.  He did...found his Skinny Minny replacement wife...and "S" proceeded to lose 100 lbs. post divorce.  When "P" saw her at the gym years after the fact, his first words to her were this:  "If you looked like this, I never would have left.")  Like she cared about his opinion by then.  N-O-T!)

YET---for those of us who grew up in highly competitive and love-is-conditional-round-here types of households, and/or drank the Kool Aid about "We only raise WINNERS in this family!"...can you see how scrutiny and criticism can so easily get intertwined into the narrative of "This is what I have to do to function as a WINNER in my own life!"? 

Scrutiny (whether self or other-directed!) is when we BELIEVE we are observing someone objectively.  Wrong!  If that were the case, there would be no harsh judgements to attach to our observations.  We accept what is---and we move on.  Yet when combined with harsh judgment in the form of criticism as we relate to others---this is NOT a way to cultivate and maintain genuine emotional intimacy (into me you see!)!  

Refresher time:  there are three forms of intimacy:  Emotional, Spiritual, and Physical.  There is no ability to experience deep and authentic "connection" with another human being (understanding him/her/them as well as possible and vice versa!) unless there is EQUALITY, MUTUAL RESPECT, and HONESTY in all exchanges of information and care with one another.  How does scrutiny and ongoing criticism fit into that paradigm?  It doesn't.  There is NOT a married couple on this planet that would say to me in a session, "We just love scrutinizing and criticizing each other!  It's the glue that keeps us feeling love-bonded to each other!"  ROFLMAO!  Not!  

Instead of competing, instead of scrutinizing and then criticizing...let's start practicing cooperation to achieve our individual and mutually-agreed upon goals as a married couple?!  How about that?

However we learned to criticize ourselves and others...all this dysfunctional behavioral pattern achieves in the bigger picture of our lives is teach us how to CONDEM that which we choose not to accept.  Condemnation is the fruit from the tree that scrutiny and criticism built.  Time to chop down that damn tree and get move ourselves forward in a healthier and more mutually-satisfying direction.  How about it?

Next time, how DEFENSIVENESS works to kill a marriage...

Until next post...

  

When Your Marriage is in Trouble...

When your marriage is in trouble, how long do you believe it takes before the couple involved seeks out marital therapy?  A week?  A month?  Three months?  A year?  How about SIX YEARS?!  Coupled with the fact that every couple has a 50% chance of divorcing within seven years after getting married...these statistics are pretty sobering to consider.  Today's blog post is designed to help us all understand why it takes us so long to get real help when our marriage is in trouble...

The Gottman Institute functions as an industry standard when it comes to marital therapy protocols.  In fact, it is the source of the statistics mentioned above.  Look them up online for more detailed information about their work.  I have followed their protocol with many couples I have worked with over the past 22 years, because I believe in their approach to solving, resolving, and dissolving marital issues between any given couple I see.  Grant it, there are always those couples who are not equally invested in "saving" their marriage per se.  One person will claim to want to repair and restore the marriage, but he/she/they really do not.  The truth usually comes out when that same person refuses to return to therapy after the first 1-3 visits and/or ultimately proclaims to their partner or to "us" while in session that they want out for real and for sure.  

When this occurs, that does not mean that our work "ends" and that's that.  In fact, I will often encourage the "left" party (as in left behind, not left of center politically speaking!) to either continue with me or seek out help elsewhere in navigating what will become their new path.  Don't misunderstand, I am all about reconciling, repairing, and restoring marriages.  However, nobody can "make" another person stay when they are most committed to leaving.  That's just the way it is.  And for those who say the one thing and then do another (like break up, make up, break up again, make up again, etc. etc.)...that's a potential cluster that requires a more in-depth approach with one or both parties on an individualized basis.

Throwing toxic codependency in here as an aside..."marriage" is not supposed to be about flipping scripts with each other throughout the years where "You get to be the Boss of Me!" versus "I get to be the Boss of you!" is your primary lifestyle.   Stop.  It's so childishy dysfunctional ("We're not playing unless I AM IN CHARGE!", it's codependent, and it's playing God with each other AS IF that's going to end well over time...  :-P

But I digress.  What do you believe are the top four relationship behavioral patterns that lead to divorce between any two people?  Please don't confuse my question here with generic answers such as "Money, Religion, Children, and Sex".  That's not what I am asking.  Relationshp behavioral patterns focus on what we do so as to Discuss-Mutually Understand-Negotiate-Compromise outcomes that work for BOTH parties---and not just one or the other.  Also, our appropriate relationship patterns of behavior should also work to Solve, Resolve, and/or Dissove the real life and right now problems that plague the marriage.  So----what's your take?  

According to Gottman, the top four relationship behaviors/patterns that can kill any marriage are these:

1.  Criticism

2.  Defensiveness

3.  Contempt

4.  Stonewalling

Seriously?  Yes, seriously!  When you think about it, making any attempts to Discuss and then Mutually Understand each other about anything cannot happen when these behaviors are present, let alone represent a pattern for one or both parties. 

Next post, we will deep dive into how these four horseman of the marriage apocalypse work against our ability to genuinely love and practice authentic into-me-you-see (intimacy) between any married couple.

Until next post....

Convincng Difficult People to be...GOOD to You (?!??!)

I credit Patrick Teahan with that statement when asked how he would define the term "trauma".  As a psychotherapist himself, Teahan says that trauma can be defined as attempting to convince difficult people to be good to you.  I agree this is one aspect of what unresolved and unprocessed trauma can look like in one's relationship life.  So...for today's blog post, I am going to address this issue of what happens when we do (or don't!) try to convince difficult people to be good to us....

I used to have neighbors long ago who were a nightmare.  That was made clear the first day they moved into the house.  I went over there with a cake to introduce myself, and it was like being let into a cage at the zoo by one of the animals.  No adults around, random teenagers everywhere, and nobody actually going to "look" for the homeowner after I was let in through the front door.  When the new homeowner showed up and looked at me blankly, I introduced myself, said I lived nearby, and handed the cake over to her.  She said nothing.  I wondered if she had a traumatic brain injury or was otherwise cognitively impaired.  I can say in all honesty, I still don't know the answer to that question.  They moved away after a few years and I thanked God for it then...just as I do to this very day....

So....did I do anything to try to convince this woman and her husband to be "good" to me?  Hell no I did not. I realized from jump after going over there with the cake, that this was not a couple who had a clue about much of anything generally speaking.  They may have had the $$ to get the house they purchased...and that was it.  I didn't bother with trying to convince them of what being a good neighbor meant.  They just weren't interested.  When they finally left, if I could have jumped higher than the moon, I would have!  

Do you think they ever thought about "me" or our household or our neighborhood's households while they lived here?  Do you think they think about life on our street and how their presence impacted it?  Highly doubtful.  Difficult people just don't think about these things.  Why should they?  It's like watching someone throw an empty glass bottle onto the road while driving.  They don't live by any rules.  They don't even live by any societal norms.  They do what they want and that's all that matters.  And I am being kind putting it this way.  Bottom line, when people are a$$holes, that's what you got.  No changing, no repenting, no nothing.  They are like Popeye on crack.  "I yam who I yam and EFFYOU if you don't like it!"

Well, don't say I didn't warn you...

Speaking of which....

I have noticed a disturbing trend to do with familal trafficking of one another for a variety of purposes.  Don't be surprised.  If you pay attention to your own family system, there will always be at least one slave-driving and/or pervie family member (often the same patriarch oh by the way!) who nobody has really done much of anything about.  In fact, this may be that person who is willing to  "babysit" all the kids during family events and/or independently on demand.  Listen, why are you shocked by this information?  It all begins with the family anyway, doesn't it?  We teach our kids (or don't!) about what is appropriate versus inappropriate behavior especially when we say nothing or do nothing about inappropriate behavior going on within our midsts!  Doh!  Reminds me of families where physical fighting is "no biggie" and there's always someone walking around with a black eye, busted lip, or broken something or another.  Sheesh.  When will we stop trying to convince these jerks to be good to us and/or others?  They clearly don't care about the pain they inflict onto others.  It's all about them and their own needs-satisfaction on demand!

The father who likes to "snuggle" before bed with his chosen child because....?  Because why?!  That's what your spouse is for in case you forgot pal!  I know, this is uncomfortable subject matter, but what isn't these days?  I mean we all have to deal with people walking up and down the streets of America looking and/or behaving like zombies, banshees, demons, clowns, and God knows what else.  I'm over it.  Are you?  In many ways, I'm glad for the heads up because I am NOT interested in getting to know someone "better" (let alone "hope" he/she/they will be good to me!) who presents like someone who has spent way too much time at either the carnival, in Hell, or inside a cell bock.  Just sayin'.  Yes, I may sound "unwoke", but I don't care.  If you are a kind, honest,  and decent human being, why create an image for yourself that screams "I HAVE SEVERAL PROBLEMS AND YOU GET TO GUESS WHAT THEY ARE!"  Don't worry;  I won't!  I copy that memo loud and clear!

Convincing difficult people to be good to us means different things to different folks.  I just shared where I am coming from when it comes to my own seven-second impression of others who present themselves to me on the street, at a social function, and/or where I live and work.  I remember a beautiful young woman who had tatted herself up like Kat Von D back in the day.  She was so covered in tats...her one sleeve was literally almost pure black.  When I asked her how she became addicted to the pain associated with getting tattoos...she looked at me like I had three heads.  I then responded with, "Are you telling me you found an artist who actually makes tattoos that don't hurt at all to obtain?"  She laughed.  She understood.  As she thought about it, she said, "I guess I learned to get used to it...and then it really ended up working to relax me."  Yeah, I can understand that.  Kind of like riding a bike along a freeway and being emotionally wrecked because your best friend died, your significant other cheated on you, and your dog just ran away....  But then, you get hit by a 14 wheeler!  Suddenly, all that other stuff you were obsessing about is immediately forgotten and replaced by THE NEW PAIN. Yeah, that's what pain can do for a person. Distract you from one sh** show to another bigger one quite instantly.  Wow.

Instead of focusing on difficult people and working to convince them to be good to us...we can instead consider getting in to see a good trauma recovery professional to make sense of your past...which you would definitely want to move past...instead of staying "stuck" in it by your current lifestyle and relationship choices.  

How about that idea?

Someone just told me recently that before her boyfriend ditched her, she told him she just wanted a "normal" life without the drama and toxicity of cuckoo family systems and its members.  He responded by saying "There is no normal."  Wrong!  There is a normal, but he sure didn't recognize it and hasn't since that time I might add.  It is NOT normal to hurt people because you yourself are comfortable with being hurt.  It is NOT normal to perpetrate henious acts against other humans because it makes you feel good and powerful in the short term.  It is NOT normal to fight the same old fights for weeks, months, years, or decades without any real solutions, resolutions, or dissolutions to finally "end" the problem, whatever it may be.

Difficult people are toxic.  Difficult people are dysfunctional.  Difficult people are not worth your time, energy, or "savior"-based efforts.  You know who they are.  You may be one yourself.  Again, there's help for that.  There's books for that.  There's groups for that.  And there is me for that unless you are a zombie demon with a penchant for clowns and children.  In that case, call somebody else.  :-P

Until next post....

Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) and Autism...

Lately on Tik Tok you will eventually see some videos about the topic of "Pathological Demand Avoidance" (hereafter referred to as PDA) and its link to autism spectrum status.  Although I can understand how industry experts in our field of psychology would connect the two, I am here to tell you that you don't have to be diagnosed with ASD in order to have PDA as an issue in your own life...

Pathological demand avoidance.  Sounds like a very highbrow way of explaining people who say "NO!" quicker than anyone can blink or think.  "Would you..." "NO!"  "I was thinking..." "NO!"  "Hey!  How..." "NO!"  I'm not kidding.  People with PDA are so invested in not being interrupted from whatever they are thinking about, feeling, doing, or not doing---that their "NO!" knee-jerk response functions like a tic they can't control.

As this level of response exemplifies one extreme of the PDAer's relational style ("No! No! No! ...and before you speak another word...my answer is still NO!") --- the other extreme would be those who act out thoughtlessly and inappropriately for being asked whatever and whenever and by whomever.  "So...what are your plans for today?" (..throws object in hand against nearest wall) "STOP ASKING ME THAT!  I *$A)@ing HATE YOU!  I WISH YOU WOULD DIE!" (..runs out of room crying and screaming unintelligible utterances), etc. etc.  Whatever these responses/outbursts involve, the message behind the behavior is still the same:  "Leave me alone don't talk to me don't look at me don't remind me of what I should be doing that I don't feel like doing because you keep demanding it from me...!!!!"  (..or words/thoughts to that effect!)

Yeah, it's a dumpster fire when anyone finds themselves in a relationship with an in-denial PDAer.  No kidding.  Yet active addicts are pretty excellent when it comes to doing their own life by the PDA playbook.  So are individuals with a history of complex trauma and/or ADHD, traumatic brain injury, and a pre-existing personality disorder.  And we cannot forget the toxic codependents among us either.  Nothing like a codependent "taker" in full bloom to remind us of how frustrating it is to expect him/her/them to just go ahead and do their OWN life's responsibilities without looking to find others to do it for him/her/them!

PDA is a relational lifestyle.  Don't get that twisted.  It gives the PDA-focused avoider permission to not do what he/she/they need to be doing in order to take proper care of themselves, and what they are personally responsible for doing, on a day-by-day basis.  I am reminded in this moment of the single mom who went to live with her sister because "my life's too hard" and proceeded to harang that sister into taking on the role of "nanny" to her neice and nephew (both under the age of five, by the way). 

 Instead of driving, instead of working, instead of cleaning up after herself and her kids....this so-called "mother" avoided pretty much every responsibility she had as a single mom of two small children.  Yes, this is what PDA can look like in real life.  When the elder sister was burnt out enough to see past their immediate circumstances, she started gathering up external resources to help both she and her sister obtain the professional help and intervention they both needed to change for the better...

People struggling with a Cluster C personality disorder (the "anxious/afraid" bunch) are also extremely vulnerable to pusuing a PDA lifestyle because of their struggles around decision making, toxic codependency, avoiding conflict at any cost, and the general role that fear plays in their day-to-day life.  

From a fear of driving.....to fear of making a mistake, it becomes clear that PDA seems to work well enough when there are willing enablers present in the PDAer's network of family, friends, and colleagues.  Many of the agoraphobics amongst us (people who are afraid of going out in public) are most vulnerable when they do, in fact, live alone.  I know I have found that aging boomers are especially challenged when they don't know how to "work a computer" or "figure out a cell phone" and, as a result, are truly cut off from outside contact beyond a landline telephone. 

Probably the saddest case I can recall as a 19 year old kid was when a colleage at my job told me about an older woman who had died in her home.  When she was finally found, the police also found her adult son sleeping next to her deceased body.  He was cognitively impaired, but shame on that mother for creating a living environment that prevented her son from understanding the basics of how to get help in case of an emergency (ICE!).  PDA can certainly extend itself into reality in ways none of us want to have to imagine or face!

When a person is not on the spectrum for autism or cognitively impaired, PDA-based responses may signal something that is requiring medical attention and intervention that we might not otherwise consider.  For example, my maternal aunt began to say "No!" to opportunities that involved eating meat before she passed away.  "No steak.  No sausage.  No..."  Well, it occurred to me that when she started to refuse chicken that perhaps there was something wrong with her teeth.  Sure enough, she had some broken teeth she never mentioned, nor wanted to address with a visit to her dentist.  She remained adamant about refusing treatment until she passed.  This, to me, was a real tragedy as her perception of a visit to the dentist was based on everything BUT the modern-day technology and techniques available to her at that time.

Please note:  my aunt also refused to go to "doctors" of any kind throughout her life as well.  She made it to nearly 92 years old, so that was her special blessing---in spite of never having had a breast or gynological exam, and never having had any children....

As an aside, PDAers are notorious for gaslighting themselves when there are things to do be done, and they say to themselves, "Oh, I can do this later.." or "Uh, no.  I can't do this right now".  (Things like folding and putting away their clean laundry...or vacuuming their carpeting.....washing dishes....making that doctor's appt. they have been putting off for weeks already, etc. etc. etc.)  How do you think piles get wider and deeper in the personal life of a person with pathological demand avoidance?  This is how.

There is a lot of additional information online about Pathological Demand Avoidance and how to address it if an issue in your own life...or the life of someone else you love and care about.  It is NOT a diagnosable mental health condition recognized by the DSM-V-TR...but certainly worth mentioning and becoming aware about.  Afer all, we ALL have our "issues" when it comes to what we are supposed to be doing, but don't want to/refuse to...do!

Until next post....