When the End is Near....

As I was news channel surfing yesterday, Steve Jobs' death was the obvious front and center headline on every cable news network.  One of the blurbs about Jobs that stood out for me was his last keynote speech at a college graduation ceremony.  Ironically, he spoke on a topic that was going to be the focus of my blog post today.  I don't know if Jobs knew that the topic he presented that day to his listening audience was the same topic that represents the #1 regret most common amongst the dying.  Maybe so, maybe not.  But here it is anyway for your own benefit...

"The courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.."

When people realize that their life is nearly over and can look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams, plans, and hopes have remained unfulfilled.  As  a psychotherapist, I have worked with the dying and know that this particular regret represents a sad commentary on what we "think" we have to be like in life in order to gain acceptance, approval, and love from those around us.  When a person doesn't know exactly "who" he or she is (what you believe to be true about God and who He is or is not...what you believe to be true about yourself...what you believe to be true about other people you care about...and what you believe to be true about other people you don't care about)---then you are setting yourself up for functioning like a proverbial chameleon.  You'll "be" whatever you need to be given the person or people you are with in order to keep the peace/get by/survive/maintain the status quo.

Sound confusing?  Not really.  When you don't know who you are, you'll be whatever or whomever other people say you should be.  Which is sad.  Very sad indeed.  How many clients have I seen in my practice who have felt railroaded by someone else regarding the career they ended up in, the spouse they ended up marrying, the kid(s) they ended up having, and/or the lifestyle they ended up living?  Plenty, that's how many.  And this stuff can happen very subtley I have to say.  Are you an adult child who just "knows" that if you come out (for example) as being gay, there goes your inheritance!?  In this case, his mom and dad never judged anyone else overtly for being gay;  as a matter of fact, there are others within the extended family who have identified themselves as gay and/or bisexual.  For my client (who is not a rocket scientist by the way!), all he had to recognize was how "differently" his gay and bisexual extended family members live relative to the rest of their family system.  Out of touch, out of state, and out of the fold.  See what I mean?  Sometimes the obvious isn't so obvious because it's so subtle.

Not making a choice is just as much of a choice in the bigger picture of your life.  I have heard every excuse in the book as to why a person can't return to school, won't dump their loser boyfriend or girlfriend, will never return to rehab (RIP Amy W. by the way!).  Excuses are meaningless when time eventually runs out and all anyone has to reflect on is their "actual" past.  Not the past they dreamed of or the past they ignored, but the past they actually lived out until their time here on earth was no more.

Get courageous.  Figure out who you are and how your life really needs to go from this day forward.  And then do it.  One step at a time and one day at a time.

All About "You Owe Me..."

When was the last time someone said to you, "You owe me!"  Did you ever stop to think WHY you would be targeted in such a way?  I mean, let's face it.  Doesn't the expression by its very nature presume that you (or I) took something from our accuser and now they want whatever back from you in return?  I know that's how I look at it.  So---when speaking with my elderly aunt the other day, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  With every request she made, she was basically also communicating to me this "You owe me!" mentality. 

I don't know about you, but it's very interesting to me how and why this mentality is so common amongst couples, friends, family members, and anyone else who has known one another for more than a minute.  For one thing, "you owe me" means that someone or another feels robbed.  On top of that, this same person believes they "know" who did the robbing!  And not only that, they want "justice" their own way!  Wow!  Talk about working against a judicial system that has already been established to handle such matters in a court of law!  What a way to live!  For the "You owe me!" accuser, it has to be extremely rough thinking up and ruminating (that would be thinking about something over and over again) on some "issue" before identifying your accused target.  And for the targets out there, it has to be hard wondering who wants a piece of your scalp next.  Just because you exist...just because you have "a better life"...or just because you are the nearest and most convenient target. 

Don't misunderstand me;  there are people out there who really DO legitimately "owe" someone a whole heck of a lot.  But that's not what this post today is about.  This post is about those who blindly point a finger and say, "Give it to me now because you have it and I don't!"  Really?!?  Now that's what I call robbery, plain and simple!

I've seen train wreck parents, long-term addicts, gangsters, and other n'er do wells play this card of "You owe me!" way too often in my personal and professional lives both.  But I've also seen this card played by adult survivors of (insert abuse history here), narcissistic and fantasy-driven dreamers, and anyone else who avoids personal responsibility at all costs.  Yes, that about sums it up.  The people who are so quick to say "You owe me!" are the same ones who believe someone else is responsible for their good week, their good day, their good moment...and very often, their good life.

Maybe this is a good time to think about all those people in your life who you DO believe "owe" you and why.  All of this thinking, I hate to say it, is part of the process of removing yourself from that throne you established when creating your Empire of the Self.

Until we meet again...