Being Stuck....

In the field of psychotherapy, everyone who comes through our doors ultimately struggles with feeling "lost", "stuck", or some combination of the two.  No matter what an individual, couple, or family is suffering from----it does all boil down to whether one is feeling more powerless than aimless, more aimless than powerless, or both to varying degrees.

This week has been about my own personal initiation into the realm of "stuck".  As in literal stuck.  For those of us who live in SE MI, this has been the week from frozen tundra hell.  I don't know where you live, but for those of us residing in the Midwest and Eastern seaboard states, we have been frozen solid.  I never can remember in my adult life hearing that my local outside temperature was two below zero with a windchill of negative fifteen or twenty.  But that happened this week too.   When I went to go out briefly last night, I never made it out our driveway.  Then when I called for a tow truck to pull me out, they wouldn't come because our dirt road and dead-end street hadn't been plowed and they weren't willing to risk the drive over.  THEN when I called our county road commission this morning to plow our street, the man said "I can report it ma'am, but I can't tell you when they'll come to dig you out;  we've been awfully busy this week."  Yeah, right, whatever.

Needless to say this is day four of me being "stuck" in my own house and against my will.  This hasn't felt good.  As a matter of fact, it feels terribly uncomfortable.  When I look out the window of my office as I am in this very moment, I don't see a "Currier and Ives" rendition of some winter wonderland.  I see a white out.  I feel claustrophobic.  I feel like jumping out of my skin but there's nowhere to jump.  I feel like I've been stranded in the middle of the arctic with no hope for "De Plane!" showing up anytime soon.  I feel helpless, powerless, and tied up with a rope that has been wound around me tight from my toes to the top of my head. 

So what have I done, as a good psychotherapist, to practice what I espose to my clients when they struggle with their own "stuck" status?  First, I got sick and was prescribed a Z-Pack.  I read some hilarious books.  (Might I recommend David Sedaris' latest:  "Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls", which is truly gut-splitting!)  I played Candy Crush Saga to level 32.  I laid in the bed and talked on the phone.  I watched "One Step Beyond" episodes on Matinee Classics t.v. for free.  I made dinners.  I did everything I could think of that was non-productive but made the time pass anyway.  And then I got sick of being sick and stuck.  I prepared for a meeting I have tomorrow morning;  I confirmed all my client appointments for the rest of this week;  I started writing this blogpost.  And I stopped feeling sorry for myself...and forged ahead anyway.

In my attempt to avoid another "stuck" phase like the one we just experienced, I suggested to my husband that we move to Maui, FL, and AZ for each month of December, January, and February next year.  I can see my clients via Facetime or Skype.  I can figure out where the dog will stay while we're in Maui and can't bring her with us.  And I certainly can say goodbye to this form of being stuck once and for all.  If Michigan is turning into Alaska before my very eyes, this is the LAST season I will allow myself to become frozen stiff over changes I can be better prepared for "next time".  In the meantime, stay warm and positive!  They say it's going to be in the 20's tomorrow...

Until next time...

 

Romance-izers....

The art of romance is a very interesting phenomenon.  I liken it to a gorgeously decorated and iced six-layer cake (think "Cake Boss" here folks!)....but once you cut into it, you have a 50/50 chance of seeing something (or nothing!) underneath that flowery surface.  Don't misunderstand me;  I do believe that "genuine" romance has its place in any primary love relationship...but not when it is misused and abused to control and manipulate one another.  Why and how could this be true?  There are several reasons.  "Romance-izers" (as I will refer to them now) just know how to work it.  They have figured out that flattery---grandiose "romantic" gestures---flowery language and promises----and idealization of their desired object of affection all "work" to keep their relationship in the clouds.  Kind of like keeping your feet firmly implanted on the air.  True romantics as opposed to romance-izers have discovered and genuinely appreciate "who" you authentically are as a person and celebrate you for your qualities and character traits;  however, they don't use romance-izing as a tool to distract you away from daily reality.  People still have to work...people still need to get and remain sober for more than a season...people still have to "do the right thing" whatever that thing is.  Romance, unfortunately, can be one heck of a way to communicate to another person the following:  "Just believe my b.s. about you and we'll be fine."  Yeah right.

From the receiving end of any romance-izer's output, very few men and women would ever think of themselves as being romance addicts.  Yet that's what we can and will become if we don't check ourselves before we wreck ourselves.  After all, it feels too good to be in a relationship with someone who keeps telling us how A, B, C, D, and E we are (all good!) and how nobody else that he or she has ever met compares to us blah-de-blah.  Who wants to have to question any of that?  It feels too good!  I myself can remember a time when an old boyfriend of mine used to say how "gorgeous" my eyes were and how they hypnotized him every time he looked at me.  Funny because when I tried hypnotizing him into getting a job and not quitting or getting fired after a few months---it never happened!  ;-)  After about a year, I remember thinking to myself, "This guy will do ANYTHING to avoid responsibility!  As many men and women do I'm just sayin....

Romantic gestures without the appropriate actions to back up real life in the USA circa 2014 mean very little over time.  Listen, could you live your entire life layin' up in a bed all day being fed chocolates from your loved one's hand?  Of course not.  Bills need to be paid....kids need to be properly cared for....people need to be functioning without the help of weed, beer, cocaine, or lots of adderall.  Yet the romance-izers among us want to make their dreams and their dreaming about idealized realities (or people!) the primary focus of their attention.  Probably the best romance-izer pile of b.s. I ever heard in recent months was the guy who had a girlfriend of over a year..but kept his ex girlfriend dangling with the ongoing "I never will love anyone as much as I loved you" mantra whenever they spoke.  Really?  Listen, I'd rather be alone and healthy than sick with someone who ALREADY FOUND SOMEONE ELSE TO BELIEVE HIS B.S. LIKE YOU DID AND STILL DO!

If we could all be flies on the wall in the lives of those who we have loved and left---or who loved and left us---I think we'd be pretty surprised at how the romance-izer's "game" rarely changes much from romantic prospect to romantic prospect.  It's kind of like the guy in the bar who keeps using the same line(s) to pick up a woman.  "Hey good looking;  where's your boyfriend?  You're too hot to be here on your own tonite."  I don't know why those on the receiving end of this type of b.s. are supposed to swoon like they've never been flattered in life before that moment...but it amazes me how many still do.  Even worse, when the man or woman left in the dust still pines after months or years about "the one who best understood me".  Give me a break.  Don't we see that's part of the game?  "I am the only one who KNOWS who you are."  "I'll kill myself if you leave me."  "I'm nothing without you."  About the only thing that really does happen after 5, 10, or 20 years post breakup is that the romance-izer is still at it...and the romance addict is still pining for and/or search for another Mr. or Ms. "Right" who'll adore them forever---or like the one who did at least "once" a long a** time ago....

Romance isn't for dummies...but romance-izers are.

Until next time.  And Happy 2014 too by the way!