Weeding Your Relationship Garden...for 2023!

"You are what you attract.."  "Birds of a feather, flock together..."  "Misery loves company.."  You've heard these sayings before.  Have you ever thought about the impact your "friends" and close(r) family members have had on you in recent months, recent years, and/or over past decades?  Today's blog post is all about asking yourself if it's time to start weeding your own relationship garden---for the sake of your own personal growth and healing during the new year ahead!

Friendship has the power to heal a person...just as it has the power to kill a person.  That's a fact.  When I was working at a local prison over twenty years ago, a large majority of the inmates I worked with were IN prison because of a relationship with a way wrong "friend" or "partner".  Think about that for a few before continuing on with today's blog post...

Genuine friendship that is genuinely mutually-beneficial and soul-level affirming is a gift from God.  That's the first thing.  Like the old saying goes, "You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family.."  No kidding.  As such, for any of us---our first go-around with "friendship" actually began within the confines of our own family of origin.  Little children do not say to their parents, "Listen, I want you to take grandma back to wherever she came from.  She's a raging kook!"  

What we learn from our own family system before we are old enough to venture outside of our own household for more than a few hours each day (while understanding what's going on around us by the way!)....teaches us a great deal about what "friendship" is---and what it is not!  Unfortunately for many of us, the lessons we learn that stick "most" with us are the wrong ones instead of the right ones!  "It's o.k. to use people to get what we want from them."  "It's o.k. to lie so long as you don't hurt the other person's feelings.."  "Everybody cheats...nobody can really be honest most of the time about anything!" and of course the classic "Everybody is a hypocrite so if you can't beat 'em...join 'em!"

Can I tell you how many siblings I have seen, for example, over the past twenty years as a licensed LLP psychologist?  Plenty!  And it is always very sad to me when the relational dynamics between two sisters...or two brothers...or a set of twins...or between steps or half siblings...is a HOT MESS of dysfunction!  This is so unfortunate!  Yet---when I come to understand how and why each party believes their relationship went "wrong" "bad" or "upside down"...things become much clearer for me when diving into the muck of other people's drama(s).  By the way, much of the "friction" between two siblings has more to do with how one or both parents of those siblings treated the siblings, individually and together!  Are you still delusional about parents and their "favorite" child/child(ren)?  Get over it if you are!  Parents constantly reveal which of their "own" child(ren) are their personal favorite(s) and why.  And so how does it feel when you know you kept coming out on the short end of that stick---for your entire life so far?  Can you say Bitter and not Better?  I sure can, even if only on your behalf!

All of this to make the point that feeling "stuck" with someone in your life who you don't consider a "real" friend in the first place---still leaves you with some alternative options for your own sanity's sake!  There are always options.  One can weed.  One can set boundaries that stick.  One can create distance.  One can leave and not look back.  And one can certainly cultivate "new" friendships that are higher quality and less soul-crushing.

For example, many people vow in the new year to get sober, eat healthy, exercise more, and lose weight.  That's cool.  So what do you do when you take a look around at your friendship circle---only to notice that the vast majority of your friends are active addicts, eat like crap, don't exercise at all, and each have a minimum of about 50 lbs. to lose?!  How would friends like "this" encourage, inspire, and motivate you to reach your intended goals?  They, in two words, WOULD NOT!  So---in this example---"weeding" doesn't mean getting rid of these friends per se, but certainly discerning "which" of these friends is least likely to sabotage/harshly judge/confound your progress by what they say or do while in your presence!  If, in fact, any of them are capable of positive forms of ongoing support.  Temptation to do the wrong or easy thing doesn't always come in the form of picking up a drink or going to the casino on a day-long binge...but from the mouths of others who basically communicate to us, "It's o.k., just go ahead, it can't hurt you."

When I think of the most common issues that give people a way wrong idea of what "friendship" actually is and means...99.999% of any problems has to do with a highly codependent and toxically codependent relationship dynamic and lifestyle.  People don't know how to treat others as equals with mutual respect and rigorous honesty attached.  That is the first thing to note about the "rules of being codependent".

Codependency, by definition, is "people addiction".  If I am addicted to you---then you are supposed to allow me to "serve" you, so you learn you can't live without me.  In this way, I am teaching you that I am in control of  your happiness, because without me, you'll NEVER find anybody so willing to "serve" you like I have!

If you are addicted to me---then I am supposed to allow you to "serve" me, so I can learn how you are my sole source of my ability to feel Powerful, Pleasured, and able to Avoid Personal Responsibility because of what "you" do for "me".  Double ugh!  I'm now you King/Queen Baby for life!

So the dynamic between two codependent people who are addicted to each other involves this highly dysfunctional flip-flop dance of "Who's the Master?  Who's the Slave?  Today?  This week?  This month?  This year? etc. etc.  

How effed up is that?  Plenty!

In the end, codependency is all about trying to control each other through this "service" oriented mentality that teaches each other that we can't do squat on our own because we "need" our chosen  person (our "friend" of choice!) to do our stuff for us instead of us doing our own stuff for ourselves!  NOT helpful folks!  Not at all!

When one person drops the ball and stops dancing to the same tune of the codependent flip-flop dance...things can go to hell in a handbasket very quickly.  "Where's my coffee this morning?!"  "How come you were out this way and you DID NOT CALL ME?!?"  "How dare you put that on for tonight's party?!  What's wrong with you?  I hate you in the color green!"  SPARE ME!!!

Spare me, indeed!

So think about what you have to weed out of your relationship garden during this new year of 2023...beginning tomorrow!  January 1, 2023!

Every day we are above ground is a gift.  Don't squander it.  Use whatever time you have left to genuinely improve the quality of your own life and relationships!  You don't exist just to make sure other people serve you the way you want them to---and/or you serve them the way they want you to.  Everyone has to carry their own personal load of personal responsibility...and get it done...each and every day.

So consider some weeding for a healthier personal garden in 2023!

Until next post...

New Year...New Choices?

Well, it's that time of year again!  2023 is right around the corner!  When you look back at this past year...what were the important lessons presented to you?  Have you thought about this at all?  If not, you are missing out on an excellent series of opportunities to apply what you have learned from this past year---to your brand new year ahead.  If you doubt the importance of what I am suggesting here, let's take a look at some of what others have learned by recognizing both the mistakes made, and lessons learned, from their own past experience(s)....

"I never realized until this past year how my father is a coward.  He knew my mother was not a good one;  we kept telling him all our lives what she did to us when he wasn't home.  Now it's becoming abundantly clear that he didn't care about how her abuse affected us.  He just wanted to make sure she wouldn't get upset with him---or leave him.  He sacrificed his own kids' well being so he wouldn't be in trouble with her.  How tragic!"

"It took me twelve years with a "wounded" boyfriend to figure out that I have been doing the majority of the work to make sure "we" are o.k.  He's always too depressed, too anxious, too unsure about his future direction...while I'm working my a** off to keep our financial heads above water.  Wow.  How dumb have I been?  Well, I'm moving on finally.  Better late than never.  I'm heartbroken, but I need an equal enough partner...not just a "nice guy" who tells me how he can't imagine his own life without me!"

"My child was always difficult.  He tried to attack his aunt's dog when he was just three years old.  I ignored his behavior then.  Wanted to believe he was just "troubled" a bit, but that he would grow out of it.  After his mother and I divorced a few years later, he didn't improve.  Then he got angry about most anything I asked him to do when I had him.  Now that he's 18, he's struggled with drugs, alcohol, and the wrong crowd for the past few years.  I see now how I just wanted everything to be "easy" and thought sports would be his way out of his troubles.  It wasn't."

"I have been that person who was always willing to give to others, without thinking first.  I have made a doormat out of myself because I so desperately wanted people to like me...and accept me.  All that came out of my efforts is that I feel very resentful and bitter towards those who took the most from me, without reciprocating in return.  I'm focusing big time on self-care this new year.  I have learned that all that "helping" I did was really for the purpose of making myself feel good and having a sense of control over someone else's life!  How crazy was I to believe all that garbage?"

"I kept fooling myself about my drinking.  I would do "Dry January" every year...only to get back to "Loaded February-December" AS IF that made me just a social drinker.  It wasn't until I took a good look around my own house that I realized the level of denial I've been in.  Even my favorite wine glasses can hold a whole bottle of wine!  So this January, I am purposing to attend an AA meeting every time I want to drink.  I may be going every night at first, but I can't keep doing this to myself.  I'm an alcoholic...and now I finally see how it's affected me and my life not in a good way..."

"My brother, who I always considered my best friend, is a manipulative liar.  I even stopped myself from getting close to other guys as friends...because I didn't want to disturb the dynamic between my brother and myself.  He has always said to me, "I'm the only one who will be there for you..", when in fact, he has NOT.  This is the year I am going to be establishing some very clear boundaries with him, which begins with him returning the key to my house that he's had for way too long..."

"I have a chronic medical condition that my family has consistently downplayed and minimized.  Even my doctors have said that their attitude isn't helping me stay on track with my own treatment.  I denied this for a long time, but now I see the truth of what my doctors have kept telling me.  When I am with my family, I do not eat propertly---I don't pace myself as I should--and I definitely don't know how to manage any incoming stress in their presence.  So...I am learning how I need to create some distance between us until I can manage myself better when we are together."

"My wife left me for my best friend.  I ignored all the signs of what was building between them.  I realize now that everything she told me about me...was pretty spot on.  I am remote.  I am distant.  I am very uncomfortable with expressing myself and my deeper feelings.  I hate that this had to happen in order for me to finally get myself some therapy.  But that's what I will be doing in 2023.  I have to fix me.  It's not anybody else's responsibility but my own."

"My alimony ends at the end of 2023.  I still haven't figured out what I am going to "do" career wise, and I have been fighting doing the work to see what my real options are.  I am afraid I am too old and too irrelevant to really be hired by any organization that can meet my salary requirements.  I know I have to get myself together here...so I know this is the year I have to start somewhere by basically getting a job where I am working 8-9 hours a day instead of just doing a bunch of nothing day in and day out."

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It isn't always easy to face what we would rather not face.  But it is definitely worse when we keep avoiding that which is uncomfortable or undesirable for us to take a good hard and objective look at.  Let this be the year where we can look back at our past, and learn what we need to from what happened to us---or those we love and care about.  THEN...do our work so we can solve our own problem(s) by our own effort(s)!  Nobody gets better by just staying the same...waiting for someone "else" to fix, save, or rescue them....or doing nothing new and different to proactively improve the quality of their own lives.  When we do nothing, we don't remain "status quo".  In fact, we get and become worse over time.  Don't let this be your story as 2023 comes to a close same time, next year!

After all, if nothing changes---then nothing changes!

Until next post....